Our own Tony awards -- We give accolades for ''Best Rescue'' and ''Prettiest Song'' among a few others

Compared with the vulgar Oscars and the tacky Grammys, Broadway’s Tony awards usually come off as a class act. Well, the hell with that. While you’re watching the Tonys on Sunday, June 2, here’s a quickie guide to what you really want to know about Broadway.

Best Rescue: Forget the helicopter — we’re talking about Jonathan Pryce, whose savage performance as a cynical pimp saves Miss Saigon from drowning in sentimentality.

Best Surprise Exits: I Hate Hamlet‘s Nicol Williamson, who strolls offstage whenever he gets bored, and Evan Handler, who, when slapped on the fanny with a sword by the mercurial Williamson, quit the show cold.

Prettiest song: ”I Heard Someone Crying,” music by Lucy Simon (sister of Carly), from the lovely-to-look-at but awfully pretentious The Secret Garden.

Stupidest, Dopiest Fun: The Will Rogers Follies. This revue extravaganza hasn’t a brain in its head. But the near-naked show girls are an eyeful and Keith Carradine couldn’t be cuter.

Best Bargain in Town: Even at $60 a pop, The Phantom of the Opera delivers more bang for the buck. A thrill a minute.

Biggest Bore in Town: Les Misérables. Eat hearty before the show and enjoy your snooze.

Best Performance by a Refrigerator: Penn & Teller: The Refrigerator Tour, in which the fridge nightly squishes the magician Teller when it falls.