If by some chance you DIDN’T score an invite to Prince Harry and Suits star Meghan Markle’s big day on Saturday, May 19, here’s the perfect 24-hour schedule to transform your ordinary routine into a wedding — and couch— adjacent fairy tale. BYO tea and crumpets.
*Note: We politely request you call out sick from work on Friday in order to complete your royal wedding duties. Thanks ever so much.
FRIDAY, MAY 18
12:00 p.m. Begin the romantic ride by revisiting the 2014 Fox reality show I Wanna Marry “Harry,” perhaps accompanied by a mimosa (or six) to commiserate that you did not, in fact, get to marry Harry.
2:00 p.m. Watch an early episode of USA’s Suits to remember Markle as the common U.S. civilian she once was.
3:00 p.m. For afternoon tea, binge The Great British Baking Show for scone recipe inspiration.
5:00 p.m. Screen the Lifetime original movie Harry & Meghan: A Royal Romance. You will cringe. Rosé will help.
6:30 p.m. Over dinner, thumb through Rachel Hawkins’ YA novel Royals so you can at least say you read a book this weekend.
8:00 p.m. Peruse Smithsonian Channel’s Million Dollar American Princesses: Meghan Markle for facts and whatnot.
10:00 p.m. Watch Fox’s Meghan Markle: An American Princess to get one last burst of patriotic pride.
11:59 p.m. Meditate
SATURDAY, MAY 19
12 a.m. Get six and a half hours of rest, dreaming sweetly of summers at Balmoral and well-mannered corgis. (R.I.P. Willow).
6:30 a.m. Wake and dress for the occasion. Pop on a fascinator (the uglier, the better!) and channel your best Princess Beatrice for the day.
7:00 a.m. It’s wedding time! Pour yourself a stiff gin and take a sip every time you recognize an aristocrat, a celebrity, or one of Harry’s exes during the processional. If the Queen smiles: Finish your drink.
8:00 a.m. Spend an hour investigating the Windsor Castle location tag on Instagram for eyewitness photos of the newlywed couple.
9:00 a.m. Spice up your life with a tipsy Britpop dance party, celebrating five other English princesses.
10:00 a.m. Swipe through Tinder for your own royal match, until…
12:00 p.m. …when you toss your party tiara to the ground because you didn’t match with anyone and it’s all over until Prince George is on the market.