Nick Romano
March 03, 2018 AT 03:40 PM EST

What if Steve Buscemi played the marine creature in The Shape of Water, Daniel Day-Lewis’s role in Phantom Thread, or the titular role of Lady Bird? It seems Stephen Colbert daydreams about stuff like this, and he made it real in a spoof audition video with the “teen idol” from Boardwalk Empire.

“You might’ve noticed that I wasn’t nominated for an Oscar this year, but it’s not for lack of trying,” Buscemi said. “In fact, I auditioned for every single Best Picture nominee this year. Let’s take a look at what could’ve been.”

In a series of faux auditions, Buscemi couldn’t get over the name of the lead character in Phantom Thread (Reynolds Woodcock), he donned a plastic shark nose for The Shape of Water, and he offered his own take on Michael Stulbarg’s moving speech to Timothée Chalamet in Call Me By Your Name. It wasn’t as effective, though.

“Son, I want you to know that it’s okay to be gay,” Buscemi said. “Also, congrats on bagging Armie Hammer your first time out of the gate. That guy is primo man meat.”

Watch the spoof above.

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