It’s not a great week to be John Oliver. On Tuesday, Billy Eichner exposed Oliver’s lack of a fan base among gay people, and on Thursday, Stephen Colbert admitted he’d kill Oliver instead of two other familiar faces. Well, sort of.
Colbert dropped by Watch What Happens Live! with Andy Cohen for a game of Plead the Fifth, which lead to a juicy round of Shag, Marry, Kill featuring Colbert’s former Daily Show co-stars Jon Stewart, John Oliver, and Steve Carell.
“I’m going to shag Steve Carell because he’s a burly bear and I want to run my fingers through his chest hair, unless he waxes,” Colbert explained without hesitation.
As for which star he’d want to grow old with, he seemed to have that answer ready to go, too (though let’s be real — he really can’t go wrong here).
“I’d marry Jon Stewart because we already have kind of a romantic relationship,” Colbert told Cohen. “I love him deeply. The fire’s gone in the bedroom, but it wouldn’t matter.”
Unfortunately for Last Week Tonight host John Oliver, Colbert’s devotion to Stewart could only mean one thing: he was the last man standing, and that meant he was Colbert’s choice for kill.
“I’d kill John Oliver because I’m so jealous that he gets to do a show once a week,” Colbert explained of his choice.
Watch the clip above for the full round of Plead the Fifth, which also includes Colbert’s pick for stupidest politician (hint: it involves asparagus).