Friends are for babies, according to Jimmy who has none. “Born Dead,” You’re The Worst‘s third episode of the season, proves that may not be true, though friends often change. Especially when they actually have babies.
Gretchen remembers that she once had friends that weren’t Lindsay, Jimmy, and Edgar, and decides to throw a party — not a get-together — to get see “tha girls.” Turns out, they’re all lame with kids and AA chips. But where she once stood as the beacon of goodness in the Worstie rankings — you were the best last week, Gretch! — she’s somehow overtaken Lindsay’s No. 1 seed as The Worst, which makes her way more fun. Let us begin tonight’s Worstie rankings:
4. Nope, not the worst. Far from it! In fact… least worst: Edgar
Edgar just wants to please Lindsay… again. Watching him chase her was getting a bit stale until — plot twist! — he asks Paul for his blessing in pursuing her. Paul doesn’t give a damn, but when Lindsay uses Edgar to make Paul jealous at the party, it actually works. Looks like Edgar’s stuck in this love triangle (and sad, sad story line) for at least a few more episodes. His abundance of feelings lands him at No. 4.
3. Eh, not great, but could be worse: Jimmy
Sure, Jimmy started off “Born Dead” by denouncing companionship and forced a pre-teen to play bartender, but other than that, he was such a dad, and spent most of the party putting coasters under glasses and hiding in the basement. Boring Jimmy is not the worst Jimmy…
2. Oof. It gets worse: Lindsay
Especially when we know we’ve got Lindsay to turn to! Lindsay tries to line up some Tinder dates once realizing Paul will be at the party, but when they bail — pesky teenage catfishes — she pretends she and Edgar are dating, without even knowing about the dudes’ conversation.
Bummed out, she dumps a bowl of chips on herself and begins to apologize to Edgar. What a mature move this is for her! Lindsay, we thought we had you figured out! Her speech — “I’m materialistic, I’m incapable of being alone, I never really learned how to shower good, I always forget to flush the toilet” — is self-aware and thoughtful! We’ve reached Lindsay’s inner core (and actress Kether Donohue’s stellar emotional depth)! Until…
Nope, false alarm. In a bit of welcome rom-com hijinks, Edgar kisses her to acknowledge he loves her and all her flaws, but she thinks he’s just putting on a show for Paul. “What are you doing?” she asks, pulling back from the lil’ romantic moment. She then spots Paul from across the room and says, “Oh that’s good, kiss me harder.”
1. Absolute, hands-down, no-questions-asked worst: Gretchen
But it’s only because Gretchen tried to play devil to her sober, mom-friends that Lindsay was dethroned from the No. 1 spot as the worst.
Gretchen invites all her old pals to the party, but when one comes pregnant, another shows up with her actual baby, and the third is a chip-carrying member of AA, Gretchen is all like, “Wut?” Whey haven’t they stayed as cool and bad as she has?!
Instead, she tries to reminisce about the fond, drunken memories that seem to be “tha girls” worst nightmares. The party’s in the pooper until their “bad” friend Corey shows up. She’s homeless, high, and all of a sudden it’s like Gretchen is looking at two different extremes of what she could be: “Tell me whose nut I should suck on — I got kicked out of the shelter again for fighting” versus “I have a baby!”
Instead, she’ll settle for being just Gretchen — who hangs with these three losers, abbreviates abortions to “abobos” and suggests following an “abobo” with a mani-pedi — a.k.a. this week’s worst.