Oof. The Miami and Dallas audition rounds of The X Factor brought us a few solid acts — and one stunning one — and an utterly ridiculous amount of screentime dedicated to losers and fools. Have I been suckered into recapping America’s Got Talent?
Thankfully, Simon & Co. redeemed themselves by sticking a gray-sweatered dagger into that festering zit of a human being Xander Alexander (stage name) at the very end of the show. If you look up the worst in a dictionary, you will find this tattered seafoam creature, standing all alone with only his terrible attitude and a trash-basket Pepsi to keep him company. FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. Books are timeless.
I’d love to have seen more footage of promising “yeses” like Jeremiah Pagan (one of “only like seven” male sopranos in the world, as if), or blink-and-you’d-miss-her Ma’at Bingham Shango. To 31-year-old blonde-banged Hannah Jackson, I know you’ve just become able to fly out of your birdcage, but come back to me! Hog farmer Kyle Corr, sing to me some more! I almost always feel like a pig, so I promise it won’t be weird. Stick with me, people!
No dice. In lieu of more quality time spent with promising acts like girl group 2Squar’d, country singer/teacher Kendra Williams, and music instructor Brandon O’Hara, we got entire segments devoted to the likes of a defective Justin Bieber doll (if Justin Bieber dolls had been around in the ’80s) and motormouth yawns like Ashley Nothing At All Like Pink and Ashley Ghost Hunter. (The ensuing inter-judge antics re: ghosts was pretty much the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been watching Dancing With the Stars for 13 seasons.)
NEXT: Nicole Scherzinger gets inspired, which is really what it’s all about