September 30, 2011 at 05:26 AM EDT

The X Factor

TV Show
Current Status
Reality TV

For the fourth and final auditions episode of The X Factor, cool Steve Jones and the Gang visited Newark (just across the river from the real city, they swear) and San Francisco. Most of the two hours was a whole lotta nothing, but there was a lovely montage at the end set to Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” that got me thinking about the movie Mannequin for awhile and really brightened up my evening. So maybe it was all worth it?

Also, at one point, the talent was so terrible that Simon was feeding Paula some sort of tiny food particles one by one. I really wanted them to be capers. At many points, the shadow of Simon’s microphone created the illusion of a BIG patch of extra chest hair in his deep V. Oh, and Stevecrest had some hot stubble in Newark. And there you have it — my favorite moments of the night!

Let’s run down the “yeses” who got their own segments:

Brian Bradley, 14. Rapped about wanting people to stop looking at his mom, at which point Steve Jones helpfully gestured to his mom backstage. She “look so good I thought he was her brother”! He might be remembered for his ridiculous and unprompted talk-back to Simon, after Simon merely turned around to address someone behind him after Brian had walked out. “I see you man, what is your problem, man, are you serious?” Ugh, no. Of course Simon and everyone else had to over-praise his talent after this stunt. L.A. Reid in particular was on my s— list last night. He keeps acting like all of these unknowns are his true destiny in life. Remember his time at Def Jam? “All the years I was there, I was looking for you. I’m the luckiest guy in the world that you walked in today. Television, film, records — you can do it if you set your mind to it.” Jeez, L.A. You could use a fraction of any of those sentences and call it a day. You’re killing me.

NEXT: Jazzlyn, Brennin, and Tora compete for Best in First Name

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