As Simon might say, I am “uttah-ly” confused as to how to recap last night’s episode of The X Factor, which featured 162 acts beginning “boot camp.” It was pretty much a 90-minute visual representation of ADD, with names and faces and flails and tears flashing briefly across the screen and a series of group performances for which we viewers received no verdict…yet.
Tonight’s two-hour episode — more boot camp — is apparently “when the group performances reach a climax.” Check out what was shown onscreen as the increasingly intriguing (but still pretty un-intriguing. but still pretty.) host Steve Jones said that:
Things That Are Classy: The X Factor!
Anyway, I’ll just run down what I retained. First, Steve Jones said “It’s time. To face. The music.” and then for five whole seconds it was just strange footage of Paula Abdul weeping, “privately.” Drew Ryniewicz brushed her teeth. Josh Krajcik had no sheets on his bed. And they were off!
There was some sort of half-baked choreography segment led by the second coming of Rachel Zoe, Brian Friedman. All I remember is hearing “Annie, are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?” a billion times and glaring at my screen and thinking “No!” That brat Brian Bradley refused to learn the dance and instead slumped against a wall in defiance, because he’s such a special snowflake, trapped in tar. “You don’t see Jay-Z dancing,” he explained. Hmmmm. I wonder whose group will magically get a Jay-Z song later on in the episode?
NEXT: 62 people get cut; Simon hugs one of them. Off you go!