Bravo
Tim Stack
December 04, 2017 AT 10:00 PM EST

Vanderpump Rules

type
TV Show
genre
Reality
run date
01/07/13
broadcaster
Bravo
seasons
5
Current Status
In Season

For the holidays, some people want clothes. Some people want money. I want the return of a reality series where a major plotline involves someone sucking another person’s toes in front of an unconscious elderly woman. In other words, the sixth season of Vanderpump Rules is my Christmas gift.

Tonight’s premiere opens at Scheana’s birthday party, which, for no discernible reason, is a masquerade ball. As often happens, the drama at the party is surrounding Jax and his wandering eye and wang. Turns out, he may have cheated on girlfriend/roommate/coworker Brittany. If the past has told us anything, it’s that rumors about Jax are typically true.

But then in twist, we flash back two days ago! Yes, Pump Rules is like a Chris Nolan movie but with more pink things and fried goat cheese balls. We’re back at Sur, which is still plugging away despite the fact that longtime bartender Jax still doesn’t know the ingredients in their drinks.

Scheana is now fully over Shay and is dating a guy named Rob who she actually was with pre-Shay. She’s also wearing a crop top in her interviews, which, for core Pump-ers, might be an homage/Easter egg to her iconic two-piece wedding dress. Or it just could be that she has questionable style. Scheana is just waiting for her final divorce papers so “then I can get remarried after that.” [CUE LOUD THUNDERCLAP]

Scheana BFF Ariana’s romantic life is also in a good place. She has a new haircut that boyfriend Tom Sandoval masturbates to repeatedly. So everything is going great!

While Scheana’s romantic life is crushing it, she’s once again in a feud with newly married Katie. The crop-top aficionado apparently said something about how Katie didn’t have a lot of friends and Katie took that wrong. Can you believe it? Some rage texting ensued and now the pair isn’t speaking. Well, they’re sorta talking. Scheana and Katie ran into each other at work and Scheana disinvited Katie from her b-day that Katie was never actually invited to.

Meanwhile, Tom Sandoval has a sit-down with Ariana and that bob he’s crazy about. Sandoval and Tom Schwartz are working with Lisa and Ken on a new WeHo bar called…Tom Tom. Yes that’s the actual name. But Sandoval is a little wary of working with Ken and Lisa and brings this up to Ariana. He has his own ideas for making the bar awesome. For example, the two Toms and Jax took a “research trip” to learn more about marijuana and how that could be incorporated into the bar. Yep a “research trip” is the actual term he used.

Business savvy Sandoval decides to have this conversation in his bosses’ restaurant, which then proves to be a bad decision when he realizes Sur is like the size of a one-bedroom apartment and Ken and Lisa are two tables away.

Stassi update: Everything is pretty much the same except she doesn’t have central A/C.

Attempted DJ James is missing girlfriend Raquel, who’s in college, but he has a new pal: Logan. They work out together. Hike together. Drive around together. Oh, Logan also might be in love with James. This will CLEARLY become a plot point later in the season. I’m no dummy, reality TV producers.

So the two Toms go visit their potential new bar. Sandoval is all about the space, especially the “ladder,” which is just like the framing of the wall. He also says that he wants to put in “TVs that look sexy.” I don’t know what those are but I have not seen them at Best Buy. He’s also real into something called “nostalgeeah.” Turns out, he’s trying to pronounce “nostalgia.” Lisa confronts Tom about his comments at Sur and is kinda annoyed because she and Ken are quite good at their jobs. Perhaps you’ve heard of a little something called Vanderpump Dogs?

Tom later tells Ariana he’s worried he may have effed this all up for other Tom. He tells her this while trying on a ruffled satin shirt. That’s just an important detail I feel like sharing. As they’re getting ready for Scheana’s masquerade party, Tom also lets it slip that a pal of his heard that former Sur coworker Faith had sex with Jax. Most disturbingly, this reveal came at the OK! Magazine party and there were no cameras there!!! The OK! Magazine party is a pivotal location for Rules. I’m less concerned about Jax’s fidelity and much more about why no one shot at OK!’s shindig.

So finally we catch up with the beginning of the hour and the goat cheese balls hit the fan at Scheana’s party. Faith tells James that she and Jax did indeed hook up…in front of a senior citizen woman she cares for. Jax was apparently sucking Faith’s toes while this old gal slept. Then, they proceeded to have sex sans condom. Oh and Faith has missed her period. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SCHEANA!!!

Jax denies the sorta-ménage-à-trois with Faith and the senior citizen. Would he really hook up with someone in their inner circle? The genius producers then cut to old footage of Jax talking about his affair with Kristen, who is oddly sane and composed for this whole hour. I mean she does talk about bashing in Jax’s balls but that feels almost Victorian after what has happened in previous seasons.

A very upset Brittany is not having it and is taking the dogs with her if this is all true about Jax! So, next year’s spin-off could very easily be Brittany and her puppies in Kentucky.

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