Vanderpump Rules recap: 'Absinthe-minded'

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Vanderpump Rules

type:
TV Show
genre:
Reality
run date:
01/07/13
broadcaster:
Bravo
seasons:
5
Current Status:
In Season

Another day, another relationship-testing round of accusations coming down the pike. The wound is still very fresh for Brittany and Jax, but now there are more cheating rumors to contend with — and this time, there are vows involved. Hey, it wouldn’t be Vanderpump Rules without someone arriving as a massive disappointment.

Since Brittany’s not ready to let Jax off the hook for his, erm, extracurricular activities just yet, she’s decided to take the girls back home to continue their “F— Jax” fiesta — complete with a Taco Bell delivery in the morning. But Jax is getting pretty tired of being on the defensive about all this — it was just one time, which to him means she should’ve gotten over this three conversations ago — so when he comes home, he doesn’t appreciate the swarm of sass one bit. In fact, Jax tries to play the victim himself, accusing the ladies of destroying his fancy new apartment and turning his girlfriend against him. But Brittany’s not having that either. To borrow a phrase from Ariana, she goes “full-on Southern ham” on him and lets him know that she’s not done being mad about this, and she’s not going to be, either. What now?

On a lighter note, the Toms get the news of their lives as Lisa Vanderpump does an about-face and decides to partner up with them for Tom-Tom. It takes some convincing, of course; she demands a $120k-apiece buy-in for 10 percent of the business that’s just too rich for their blood, but the fellas show enough gumption to come up with the agreeable counteroffer of $50k each for 5 percent, with the option of expansion based on a “sweat equity” down the line. It’s enough for Lisa to see that they’re committed to her vision and willing to pay their dues in more ways than one to make this happen. And with that, Tom-Tom has gotten the green light!

Sandoval and Schwartz wax poetic about what’s gotten them here for a sweet little second. They met on Craigslist and now they’re business partners with LVP. It’s a big freaking deal, and they both know it.

BUTTTTT leave it to Lala to come in with some bad news. Now that she and Scheana are certified besties, Scheana feels it’s her duty to report any smack talk that may commence about her oh-so-controversial sugar daddy situation, however minimal that may be. During Brittany’s feel-better fest, Katie made an offhand remark about Lala’s private jet being funded by a married man, and Scheana called her out for breaking their peace agreement. Instead of tabling it at that, though, Scheana decides to tell Lala what Katie said, and whaddaya know, no one’s going to take the high road today. (Recap continues on page 2)

Lala, incensed that anyone would dare question the marital status of her man — the NERVE — informs the girls that she’s got dirt on Katie’s beloved. Her friend Allie had a run-in with Schwartz while Katie was in New York on a girls trip, and not only was he flirty to the point of lip-to-lip contact, but he called the girl “Bubba” that night as well. You know, his silly little pet name for Katie. Oof. “Well, her marriage is going to end so that’s her karma,” Lala declares.

Ariana, wisely, decides to run interference and talk to Schwartz first so he can have the opportunity to explain things to Katie himself. But that backfires spectacularly because it means Stassi’s inaugural party-planning efforts are gonna get a sizable dose of dramz.

Stassi’s been charged with throwing Guillermo a birthday party as an experiment to see if she can handle event-planning duties (spoiler: She can, surprisingly enough). She’s overwhelmed by the weight of the responsibility LVP’s given her because honestly, who can handle picking up a cake and flowers and a camera all in one afternoon!? But she manages to impress LVP by throwing a standard party that matches her standards and has the emotional element of a photo album and sentiment book on top of it. Well played, Stassi, even if LVP would never say so.

Britney does Stassi a solid by not only serving up her strange hors d’oeuvres and cocktails to Guillermo’s guests, but declining the opportunity to lay into Jax even when Kristen comes along ready to pile on to the Jax bashing. Brittany tells the girls that she appreciates their support, but she needs to figure out what she wants and needs from their current dilemma, which is about the most mature reaction you can ever hope to see from this group. And it has the added benefit of not ruining Stassi’s moment in the LVP sun.

Kristen can appreciate that Jax at least stayed away to give her some space (which is admirable and all, in theory, but since he and Jamie Kennedy are off shooting absinthe while he brags about them having amazing hate sex as a result of all their friction, he’s still a bozo). But she’ll still get to see some relationship fire before it’s all said and done.

Because although Ariana pulls Schwartz aside, lets her know what she’s heard about his bad behavior, and advises him to discuss it with Katie at another time, Schwartz has exactly zero patience and decides to tell her right then and there. To be fair, he does so to save Ariana from Katie giving her a hard time because he can only assume she‘s the bad guy in this private convo situation for some reason. But his timing is dumber than dumb because all the commotion between Schwartz and Katie eventually catches LVP’s attention, and, like Katie, she is not impressed with the “I don’t remember it” excuse.

For Katie’s part, she’s embarrassed and angry that her husband can’t seem to keep his tongue to himself. (No word yet on whether she’ll hear about the “Bubba” part of this whole ordeal.) While Stassi and others aren’t really willing to believe it, considering the sour source here, Katie knows well enough that Schwartz is capable of this. Which is a good thing, considering we have actual footage of the conversation with Allie and Lala.

As for Lisa, she’s starting to wonder again whether it’s the right idea to go into business with this guy. She needs to be confident that he’s not going to wake up after some drunken bender with all the cash drawer emptied and no memory of what happened to their restaurant’s coffers. And his behavior tonight — telling Katie to get some perspective, leaning in for a sloppy smooch with LVP herself — is especially off putting. Plus, it was LVP who spent her precious time officiating their wedding, so she is personally slighted that he didn’t take those vows to heart. Tut tut, Tom; and just when you were this close to becoming the next Guillermo, too.

The good news — if you wanna see it that way — is that it looks like next week there’ll be another man in the barrel, and Lala’s apparently got the audio receipts on Jax’s hook-up with Faith. At least the reckoning is being spread wide around the SUR crew.

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