Bravo
Amanda Bell
January 01, 2018 at 10:52 PM EST

Vanderpump Rules

type
TV Show
genre
Reality
run date
01/07/13
broadcaster
Bravo
seasons
5
Current Status
In Season

Lala, incensed that anyone would dare question the marital status of her man — the NERVE — informs the girls that she’s got dirt on Katie’s beloved. Her friend Allie had a run-in with Schwartz while Katie was in New York on a girls trip, and not only was he flirty to the point of lip-to-lip contact, but he called the girl “Bubba” that night as well. You know, his silly little pet name for Katie. Oof. “Well, her marriage is going to end so that’s her karma,” Lala declares.

Ariana, wisely, decides to run interference and talk to Schwartz first so he can have the opportunity to explain things to Katie himself. But that backfires spectacularly because it means Stassi’s inaugural party-planning efforts are gonna get a sizable dose of dramz.

Stassi’s been charged with throwing Guillermo a birthday party as an experiment to see if she can handle event-planning duties (spoiler: She can, surprisingly enough). She’s overwhelmed by the weight of the responsibility LVP’s given her because honestly, who can handle picking up a cake and flowers and a camera all in one afternoon!? But she manages to impress LVP by throwing a standard party that matches her standards and has the emotional element of a photo album and sentiment book on top of it. Well played, Stassi, even if LVP would never say so.

Britney does Stassi a solid by not only serving up her strange hors d’oeuvres and cocktails to Guillermo’s guests, but declining the opportunity to lay into Jax even when Kristen comes along ready to pile on to the Jax bashing. Brittany tells the girls that she appreciates their support, but she needs to figure out what she wants and needs from their current dilemma, which is about the most mature reaction you can ever hope to see from this group. And it has the added benefit of not ruining Stassi’s moment in the LVP sun.

Kristen can appreciate that Jax at least stayed away to give her some space (which is admirable and all, in theory, but since he and Jamie Kennedy are off shooting absinthe while he brags about them having amazing hate sex as a result of all their friction, he’s still a bozo). But she’ll still get to see some relationship fire before it’s all said and done.

Because although Ariana pulls Schwartz aside, lets her know what she’s heard about his bad behavior, and advises him to discuss it with Katie at another time, Schwartz has exactly zero patience and decides to tell her right then and there. To be fair, he does so to save Ariana from Katie giving her a hard time because he can only assume she‘s the bad guy in this private convo situation for some reason. But his timing is dumber than dumb because all the commotion between Schwartz and Katie eventually catches LVP’s attention, and, like Katie, she is not impressed with the “I don’t remember it” excuse.

For Katie’s part, she’s embarrassed and angry that her husband can’t seem to keep his tongue to himself. (No word yet on whether she’ll hear about the “Bubba” part of this whole ordeal.) While Stassi and others aren’t really willing to believe it, considering the sour source here, Katie knows well enough that Schwartz is capable of this. Which is a good thing, considering we have actual footage of the conversation with Allie and Lala.

As for Lisa, she’s starting to wonder again whether it’s the right idea to go into business with this guy. She needs to be confident that he’s not going to wake up after some drunken bender with all the cash drawer emptied and no memory of what happened to their restaurant’s coffers. And his behavior tonight — telling Katie to get some perspective, leaning in for a sloppy smooch with LVP herself — is especially off putting. Plus, it was LVP who spent her precious time officiating their wedding, so she is personally slighted that he didn’t take those vows to heart. Tut tut, Tom; and just when you were this close to becoming the next Guillermo, too.

The good news — if you wanna see it that way — is that it looks like next week there’ll be another man in the barrel, and Lala’s apparently got the audio receipts on Jax’s hook-up with Faith. At least the reckoning is being spread wide around the SUR crew.

Other observations:

  • Jamie’s American accent is surprisingly on point; Snapchat approved.
  • Lala referring to herself as an alien is quite likely the realest moment she’s ever had on this show.
  • Stassi’s never been more relatable than when she lost it over the hot sauce delivery. Same, Stassi, same.
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