Bravo
Tim Stack
December 18, 2017 at 10:00 PM EST

Vanderpump Rules

type
TV Show
genre
Reality
run date
01/07/13
broadcaster
Bravo
seasons
5
Current Status
In Season

When one is cheated on by Jax Taylor, one’s best option is to seek comfort in Dame Stassi Schroeder. She is sort of the oracle of all things relating to Jax’s insanity. The pair take over Brittany’s couples spa day that she had planned in honor of her and Jax’s two-year anniversary. Good timing on the cheating revelations, Jax/Vanderpump Rules producers!

While Brittany’s having some lady time, Jax goes out with Sandoval and former enemy James. Jax actually says that, despite this setback, he’s had more sex in the last two days than in the previous six months. Then, sad trombone Tom Sandoval pipes in and says he and Ariana haven’t had done the deed in two months. They didn’t even have sex at Coachella — can you believe it?!?! But it might be the way Tom speaks about sex. It’s a lot of like “I want to smell her…I want to see her eyes as she orgasms.” I could have done without that portion, editors.

Meanwhile, Ariana is finding that riding horses is fulfilling the hole in her relationship. Hmmmmm. I’m no psychiatrist but I feel like there’s quite a bit to unpack here. Brittany comes to watch Ariana ride “Walter” but turns out Walter doesn’t love Ariana either: He bucks her off fairly quickly. But Ariana gets up and dusts herself off, just like she did when Tom left her at her birthday party and headed to Vegas.

Vanderpump Dogs is sort of exactly what you’d think it would look like. It’s as if a Kitson opened up inside a dog pound. Raquel shows up with James for her first day of volunteering. But this is more than just a career for her: She has anxiety and puppies help. For James, weed helps. Puppies and Weed would be a good band name, by the way. Anyhoo: As Raquel begins cleaning pee stains, Lisa and James sit down to talk about his career: He wants to DJ again and Lisa agrees to let him promote a night.

Back at the horse track, Sandoval and Ariana’s brother come to watch her compete. Tom also chooses this very inopportune time to tell her bro that the couple hasn’t had sex in a while. He tells him this while wearing a “#1 Mom in the Barn” T-shirt. I can’t imagine why Ariana doesn’t want to have sex.

The guys and girls split up for respective evenings. The ladies all head to Stassi’s apartment for a pajama party in honor of Brittany. They bring all the important things: beer cheese, piñata, and shot gun — the last one is a gun that shoots out alcohol and not an actual weapon. Although, there were weapons present at this gathering. “Why is there a knife?” Scheana asks, concerned, as the women are told they will be conducting a “spell.”

To no one’s surprise, Katie is the one with the “great understanding” of black magic. It’s unclear what kind of spell they will be casting but Katie thinks it’s just like Hocus Pocus but with prettier people. Sorry Bette Midler. At first, Brittany is hesitant about doing witchcraft as a Christian. But then she thinks Jesus Christ would also try a Katie Maloney spell if Jax f—ed him over.

While this C-list remake of The Craft is happening in WeHo, Lisa is having a meeting with another supernatural being: the all-powerful Lala. She has come back to Sur to ask for her job back. Yes she has a boyfriend who pays for everything, but “my man is not an ATM machine.” That will def be turned into a single, sung by Lala and produced by James. She promises Lisa that things will be different this time. “The pressure just made me cave,” she says. Um, Lala you were a hostess not a Wall Street trader. Oh but it was also the pressure of keeping her relationship a secret. In any case, Lisa invites her to come back.

Over at boy’s night at a different bar, Sandoval buys Jax a sort of chastity belt/c— ring combo to keep him from screwing around again.

He prob needs it: Ariana tells Brittany she heard that Jax and Faith actually had sex multiple times. Britt calls Jax on speaker phone and he denies it but then also insists it shouldn’t matter if it happened multiple times. Brittany is suuuuper upset and then Jax summons some sort of demon rage and screams into the phone. Did the spell transfer Katie’s anger into Jax? In that case, it worked.

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