Bravo
Tim Stack
December 11, 2017 at 10:00 PM EST

Vanderpump Rules

type
TV Show
genre
Reality
run date
01/07/13
broadcaster
Bravo
seasons
5
Current Status
In Season

Somehow the Golden Globes and HFPA missed rewarding Vanderpump Rules this morning. JK the show isn’t eligible for a Globe but it should at least be on the short list for a Peabody.

Sooooooo we open back at Scheana’s b-day party, a.k.a. The Party Where We Found Out Jax Hooked Up in Front of a Sleeping Senior Citizen. Brittany is still a mess and crying and whatnot. Kristen is still threatening to like destroy Jax’s balls. Her confessional interviews have a very repetitive theme this year. Lotta ball talk. She does offer Brittany this gem: “You’ve made us all better people!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH

Then, Lisa, in full feathered mask, attempts to comfort Brittany but never removes the mask from her face. Part of me wonders if it was just a Lisa stand-in at the party and couldn’t take off the mask for fear of being seen. In the midst of this massive betrayal, Brittany manages to be super nice to her Uber driver. A nice detail.

Back inside, Scheana is livid at Jax, who asks for everyone to believe him. Scheana realizes he has a point: “I didn’t see penetration! No I did not see it!” You won’t get this kind of incredible dialogue on This Is Us — just saying.

Jax, in a Taco Bell sweatshirt for no particular reason, attempts to make it up to Brittany the next day at Tom and Katie’s apartment. But she is not here for it. She is packing her bags and headed to Vegas. That is how Pump Rules stars respond to tragic events. VEGAS!!! As Brittany is getting ready for the trip in their apartment, Jax comes clean: He did in fact sleep with Faith. Is Jax Taylor the most compelling, maddening antihero on television? Quite possibly. Brittany once again is super sweet to her Uber driver. Her rating must be through the roof.

James shows up at Sur — wasn’t he like banned from this place? I never remember his relationship with the Vanderpumps. But he brings Raquel with him for a “job interview.” Lisa meets up with them and Raquel asks if she can get a job at Vanderpump Dogs. Lisa is then like, “What do you do?” to Raquel and she is utterly mystified by the question. Turns out she does some modeling but that doesn’t seem like quite the most logical background to get into dog rescue. Lisa recommends she volunteer first to get her bearings. Lisa also agrees to let James DJ once again at Sur. This is like in horror movies when people split up or when Housewives go on destination vacations — the s— is going to hit the fan.

The Toms, Scheana, and Ariana head to a bar for Ariana’s brother’s birthday. Schwartz gets “schwasted” according to Ariana. At some point, he goes into like a corner and starts crying about his lack of ambition. Then, Sandoval starts crying and the tears stain either the concealer on his face or the tinted moisturizer. Either way, it’s both sweet and a little bit sad.

The guys plus Ariana then go to Long Beach Pride the next day to suck up — errrrr — hang out with Ken and Lisa, who is being honored. Schwartz misses the parade portion because he’s in the bathroom pooping. But then he manages to make an appearance as the group visits a leather tent. Sandoval is not-so-surprisingly into being spanked by Ariana. She chooses to watch, though, and lets the leather experts take the lead.

Finally, we meet Stassi’s much-discussed boyfriend Patrick. He’s sort of what I expected but with a man bun. I assumed he would have a not-good haircut but that was not the one I was imagining. They go out on a date and he seems like kinda into her but he calls her “crazy” maybe 10 times over the course of this dinner. Stassi is also befuddled by his uses of “juggernaut” and “galvanize.” He’s also real confused by the idea of Stassi going into event planning. But, turns out, she’s YouTubed it so she’s got it handled! Then, he kinda tells her he wants to be in an open relationship but I don’t think she understands. Basically, he’s going on a vacation by himself and wants to be asked zero questions about it when he returns. Meanwhile, Kristen is planning their wedding. I’d slow your roll on those Save the Dates, Doute.

Back at Sur, things are super awkward between Brittany and Jax. But then Brittany drops a bigger bomb: She had sex with him this morning! What in the hell? If I were to make rules to suriving a stress-free Vanderpump Rules season, No. 1 would be Do Not Have Sex with Jax Taylor. Here we go…

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