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Vanderpump Rules premiere recap: Season 5, Episode 1

Brittany and Kristen may have reenacted the love scene from ‘Bound,’ but more surprising is Stassi’s sharting admission

Posted on

Bravo

Vanderpump Rules

type:
TV Show
genre:
Reality
run date:
01/07/13
broadcaster:
Bravo
seasons:
5
Current Status:
In Season

Does the Oliver Garden have oral-sex scandals? Prolly not. Has the staff of Chili’s attended magazine parties and mimed masturbation with drinks? Hard to believe. But that’s why the staff of Sur makes for magical, wondrous reality television.

There are few shows I look forward to as much as I do Vanderpump Rules. It’s like I’ve been in darkness and the sun is shining again, and said “sun” is wearing a T-shirt dress and delivering raspberry mojitos. It just feels warmer and more pleasant when Vanderpump Rules is on television. So let’s get to this fried goat-cheese-ball hour of television.

First of all, I’m saddened to see Lala has not made the opening credits yet. I would have hoped to see her in that weird slo-mo/fast-mo, unenthusiastically reviewing the reservations. Maybe next year?

So it’s been months since we last checked in, but not a helluva lot has changed at Sur. Jax is still behind the bar. Scheana and Katie are still serving crispy chicken and strawberry-rinis, or whatever they’re called. Some developments have occurred, though. Peter has short hair and no mustache, while Tom has decided to lengthen his hair and streak it pink. He sorta looks like Courteney Cox in Scream 2. Oh, and it’s quite possible Scheana has new eyes. In her confessionals, she has really bright eyes that look like contacts. Or maybe she had some sort of cornea filler. I put nothing past these people.

Oh, Lala has had some movement on the acting front: she booked a small role in a film with Nicolas Cage, John Cusack, and some other fella whose name she can’t pronounce (that would be Entourage’s Adrian Grenier).

The gang is super pumped because tonight is an OK! Magazine party. The problem is, in Pump lore these parties are the equivalent of Housewives vacations: They are daaaaaark. It’s like in slasher movies when they warn teens not to have sex. On Pump, don’t go to the OK Magazine party! Someone will undoubtedly throw a drink on you or sloppily lick you.

While the others work, Kristen and Stassi prepare for the emotional bloodbath — a.k.a. the OK! Magazine party. Stassi manages to convince Kristen not to wear her “fake engagement ring.” I’m not sure which part he’s referring to: the diamonds, or her commitment, or if it’s just, like, a big Ring Pop. Either way, probably a good idea to leave it home.

Back at Sur, in between mojitos, Jax lets it slide that he came home the other night to find girlfriend Brittany and frenemy Kristen enjoying things “down under” on his bed. Tom Sandoval is not shocked. He considers oral sex to be L.A.’s handshake. What do you think L.A.’s version of a bow is?

NEXT: What happens at the OK! Magazine party doesn’t happen anywhere else

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