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Vanderpump Rules recap: Season 5, Episode 3

Tom Schwartz puts some meat in his butt. Yes, you read that correctly.

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Vanderpump Rules

TV Show
run date:
Current Status:
In Season

Are we past “The Go Down” on Vanderpump Rules? There was so little discussion of it this week and, frankly, I’m concerned we’ve reached peak “Go Down” status. What are we supposed to talk about for the rest of the season?! The holidays have no meaning now.

So anyway, Katie invites the gal pals to brunch in WeHo. She’s devised this completely bizarre way of telling them all they’re going to be bridesmaids. She’s taken metal tins and put a balloon in each of them. Each woman will then pop the balloons to reveal a little piece of paper asking her to be her bridesmaid. Like, huh? Maybe it’s a nod to her “industrial chic” bedroom?

The conversation quickly moves to the fact Ariana is not present and did not get to open a tin and pop a balloon. Katie just doesn’t trust Ariana since she’s friends with Lala. But there’s this weird moment when Katie and Brittany acknowledge they’ve only known each other for a year, and Kristen and Stassi weren’t talking to Katie a year ago. BUT NOW THEY’RE ALL TIN-BALLOON BUDDIES! Then Brittany — co-star of “The Go Down” — comes up with a tagline for the group. “Bridesmaids! Ooooh haha!” I think that’s what she said, at least. The group needs to work on their enunciation.

Back at Sur, Lisa arrives to investigate the headlock incident that happened with James and a man apparently known as “Scheana’s wedding photographer.” This fella is somehow immersed in the lives of the Sur employees. Lisa arrives in a white fur that looks like some kind of creature from the wintry land in The Empire Strikes Back. It seems like Lisa will finally fire James after the, like, 100th incident he’s been involved in, but she pardons him yet again. He will continue to have employment to pay for that apartment he shares with some strange old man.

Katie has an extremely awkward convo with Ariana at work about not being a bridesmaid. Most of it is almost incomprehensible and it ends with Katie just saying “Yeaaaahhhh” and walking away.

Sandoval and Jax come over to Schwartz’s apartment. Sandoval is still rocking a top braid no one acknowledges. I would like us all to take a moment of silence and acknowledge Sandoval’s braid… Okay, that’s good enough. He and Jax are also wearing bow ties for no discernible reason. So Schwartz has prepared a meal for his best pals, including an appetizer of four shrimp for three people. Then he serves them steak as the main course, which they love.

He reminds everyone these dudes have “hazed” him for years. Their “hazing” mostly involves putting their junk or naked butts on Schwartz’s face, so to get back at them, Schwartz marinated everyone’s steaks in…his butt crack. Yes, you read that correctly. In fact, Schwartz did a whole photo shoot with the meat in his crack. I would like to know, who exactly, took those photos? He also went on a run before said marinating and did not shower afterwards, hoping his buttocks would be extra pungent. Jax did not mind the flavor at all: “Ass steaks or no ass steaks, I liked it.” That’s a wonderful quote. Sandoval found the revenge to be Shakespearean. Offhand, I don’t recall Macbeth vanquishing his enemies with ass sweat, but I’m a little rusty on deets.

NEXT: Katie has trouble communicating