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'Vanderpump Rules' recap: 'What Went Down'

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Vanderpump Rules

TV Show
run date:
Current Status:
In Season

In honor of the hook-up that set Sur aflame and Baz Luhrmann’s Netflix series, from now on I’m going to call Brittany and Kristen’s maybe-affair The Go Down. And let me tell you: The Go Down is really fueling some gold low-brow jokes from owner and pony-lover Lisa Vanderpump.

I’m sure everyone knew this already but there’s something called World Dog Day. It’s definitely not just a made up event that happens in WeHo so that the Sur staffers can walk around a park with tiny dogs and glare at each other. Definitely not. Very real holiday.

Lisa has a new addition to her household: a rescue dog named Harrison (I predict somewhere Harrison Ford is not giving three f—s about this). But World Dog Day cannot distract everyone from The Go Down, particularly Lady VPump. She keeps churning out different quips about said incident. She’s like a dog with a bone. #WorldDogDay

So we learn in this episode that the two Toms like to spend one day a month together at the spa. This is the least surprising revelation that has ever occurred on Vanderpump Rules. Turns out, Schwartz is not budgeting at all for his upcoming wedding. This just reeks of a disaster. You can tell even Sandoval — who clearly spends his Sur paycheck on hair streaks and jazzy shiny blazers from TopShop — is shocked at this news. Even more disturbing? Tom Schwartz does not want a cake!

One thing that is definitely a momentous occasion: We had our first real intense sit-down in the alley of Sur with all the extra chairs. This is one of my favorite spots on the show for the shear jankiness of it all. There’s like office chairs. I think there’s a dumpster nearby. It’s the “break room” of Sur but with more street garbage. James takes Scheana out there to apologize to her for talking about her “new nose.” It goes about as well as is expected. James will probably write a song about it later.

Speaking of his tunes, his muse Lala meets her mother for lunch. Almost immediately, Lala starts crying to her mother because she think she’s becoming a terrible person. Well, gurl, you did just fat shame a large group of coworkers not so long ago. Her mom thinks Lala shouldn’t be drinking so much. Lala agrees and then the pair order some wine. Good talk!

NEXT: Now let’s get down to business[pagebreak]

Back at Sur, The Go Down spreads like wildfire through the entire restaurant. I mean even people who don’t merit camera time or even a background pose in the opening sequence are talking about this! It’s major! The kitchen staff even take a minute to discuss. This all does not sit well with Brittany, who’s completely mortified and embarrassed. Lisa V tries to give her some words of wisdom between setting tables. But then she follows it up by asking Brittany why on earth she’d choose Kristen. Shaaaaaade.

For her part, Kristen cannot recall exactly what happened that night. She, in fact, has trouble replaying the whole event during her confessional. It’s possible she still might be drunk from that evening. She does not seem fully coherent, but she 100 percent did not go down on Brittany. But also does not recall a darn thing. It’s real Girl on the Train.

Tom and Katie attempt to plan their wedding and work on the budget. Tom does not seem to understand how much weddings cost. But he definitely wants a pre-nup, which is high-larious given what we’ve seen of their apartments and their wardrobes. I don’t get the sense he’s hiding an inheritance. Katie thinks it could be his collection of sweatpants that he wants to protect.

Then there’s my favorite scene of the entire episode: James meditating on a bath towel on his balcony. There’s a knock at the door and he turns around, hops on a hoverboard, and greets Lala in his hallway. Then we learn James is actually sharing this studio apt with an old man who they occasionally play pool with. All of that terribleness sums up why this show is so wonderful.

But then it’s finally time for World Dog Day. Basically, it’s a low-rent carnival near what appears to be the Pacific Design Center. The Sur staff pass out raffle tickets and a lot of side-eye. It’s revealed that James got put in a headlock the previous night at Pump. But he says it’s because the dude is so jealous because James is crushing the DJ game. At World Dog Day, he announced a set of Mickey Mouse lost keys along with the start time for doggie yoga and reminded everyone to pick up their animal poop. I’m pretty sure Calvin Harris does the same.

He does try to apologize to Katie, but I’m assuming it was too difficult for her to respond in kind because she was wearing about three chokers. Over in a corner, Sandoval was being licked by a dog and kissed by Ariana at the same time. “It’s like a three-way,” Ariana joked before the entire Bravo audience vomited at home.

And then the whole day ends with Lisa V making one last jab at Kristen and The Go Down. It’s some kind of allusion to Kristen going too far to please someone. HAPPY WORLD DOG DAY!!! LET’S ALL DO THIS (NOT) REAL HOLIDAY AGAIN NEXT YEAR!