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So, we’re still in Montauk on Vanderpump Rules. It’s unknown how much of the townspeople are now able to mentally sketch Stassi’s boobs from her previous night of skinny-dipping on a lighthouse-illuminated beach. But Stassi is sorta feeling down about being single on her birthday… Thank god she has her new “friends,” the Wirkus twins, who also happen to have a reality show on Bravo! Such luck!
Montauk seems positively Downton Abbey-esque compared to the body-odor festival happening across the country in Sonoma for Ariana’s bday shindig. Basically, everyone keeps farting inside the RV. Because I’m so very witty, I’ve decided to rename this vehicle the FartV. It looks completely foul. Anyway, the group decides to get moving and shower for the day, but apparently the shower doesn’t have a ton of water pressure and Brittany gets screwed. She rinses off with two used(!) water bottles. I once wiped vomit off my face with my own sock — long story — but bathing in other people’s backwash feels equally dark. Also, Jax is bouncing around with his perky new man boobs and all I could think was is this FartV the most sterile environment to let wounds heal? Is it possible to have a man-boob infection post-reduction? Lotta important questions.
Back in Montauk, the ladies hit the pool and Stassi reveals the cast of Summer House — I mean her best friends for years — are having a clambake and invited the Sur gals. Well, Scheana is already hating on it right from the start. She doesn’t like shellfish! She doesn’t like skinny-dipping! But she does enjoy dancing on a bar while performing a mediocre pop tune.
Back at NASCAR, Sandoval meets one of the drivers and asks him to sign his flat iron. Yes, the man is boldly carrying around his own flat iron at a NASCAR event. Which lady’s purse is that secretly being held in? I bet Brittany is being a team player. Later, the group takes a ride on the Ferris wheel. Sandoval and Ariana proceed to have fake sex in their car in front of their friends and Ariana’s brother. Wonderful memories made. But darkness looms just around the corner: The FartV’s toilet is clogged. Apparently, Jax is a heavy TP user in the bathroom. This is, again, the least shocking revelation of all time. But after the septic dudes show up and the FartV residents make up a song about poop, everything is good to go.
On the East coast, the girls arrive at the clambake and their outfits are a hit, mostly because they’re wearing two-pieces and like patterns. The Wirkus twins seem kinda easy to impress. Everyone sits down for some lobster and Scheana is immediately not into it. She doesn’t believe people should eat anything with claws, like cats. Yup, she said that. She also prefers not to work when she eats — like, she buys pre-shelled sunflower seeds. Something tells me Scheana is not big on the foodie scene in LA.
So, the fellas in the house all seem pretty handsome but Stassi has her eye on blonde Kyle (my jam is Carl and he would have been a better choice, but whatever). They’re all sitting down for roughly two minutes before Kristen asks which ones have “banged.” Always the elegant dinner guest. No one fully answers, but they do invite the full group back to Bravo’s newest set — I mean — their summer house, which also coincidentally happens to be the name of their show introduced in this two-hour Vanderpump Rules special. It’s two different episodes, really, but let’s get back to Bangtown.
The NASCAR folks go out to dinner and have a discussion of how rude Jax is to Brittany. He does treat her like a piece of property but, again, does this surprise anyone? I was more surprised Jax used so much toilet paper. During the dinner, Ariana realizes Lala has unfollowed her on all social media. In this world, that’s like setting someone’s grandma on fire. This does not fly well with Ariana.
We briefly see Lala at Sur, trying to have a heart-to-heart with Lisa. It goes kinda meh. She basically thinks everyone is talking about her and she needs to leave this negative environment. I’m not really sure she’s self-aware as to the conflicts she’s also caused.
Back at Bravo’s new reality show — I mean — the totally fun group of friends who organically became friends with the Vanderpump Rules cast, everyone’s getting pretty tanked at the house. Stassi tries to set her sights on Kyle but the blonde fella is pretty hammered. He can’t remember her name, which is strike one. He tells Stassi her bathing suit looks like a turtleneck and she looks like Steve Jobs. Strike two. Then, he mentions he can see her nipple. That’s like the hat trick of crappy things to say to Stassi. Although, I do agree Stassi sounds like a made-up name and could be hard to remember.
Finally, Stassi is ready to leave. Once Katie and Kristen are done shot-gunning bottles of Whispering Angel, the girls finish off this backdoor pilot for Summer House — I mean — totally regular episode of Vanderpump Rules.
The second hour of this Vanderpump Rules special is just a Summer House hour. Maybe that’s what makes it special?