ICYMI on Friday’s episode: The producers of Utopia cannot elaborate enough on just how single Dr. Nikki is. You guys—she’s been in this bountiful land of quality humans for four weeks and still hasn’t managed to wrangle herself a man. Will Dr. Nikki ever find love? Or will she just be stuck being a beautiful doctor for the rest of her life? Say your namastes for Nikki tomorrow.
Utopia also got its “15th and final member” on Friday, but I don’t know why Dan Piraro keeps saying that for two reasons: 1. I’m only ever looking at his mustache when he talks; 2. a new person will be coming in each month to replace the person who’s voted out, right? I guess Ernesto is the final “original” pioneer, but let’s not act like the details of Utopia are going to be taught in history books in 2064. If we did need to go on record though, I might add that Ernesto could just be the pioneer who saves Utopia. He seems extremely pleasant to be around (or have these people just dulled my sensibilities?), and as a plumber/contractor, he’s not only skilled, but a subtle threat to Josh. And I really just enjoy seeing Josh nervous. Ernesto says his utopia “is a place of peace, prosperity, and democracy.” I hope someone told him he can only choose one of those, and it better not be the first two.
“I’m probably gonna secede today… the details of it will be on the refrigerator before long.” —Red
Change is a brewin’ in Santa Clarita: Red has seceded back into a Dave-less (gah, can you even remember Dave?) Utopia State of Freedom, and this time he’s serious, which is to say, he repeats the phrase, “I’m living with a bunch of f—ing idiots” on an endless loop, occasionally muttering “beans and rice” under his breath. But the biggest change in Utopia is that it’s time for the pioneers to nominate two of their own—and one nominee from the viewers—for the once-a-month replacement vote. Because nothing says building a healthy new society quite like excommunication. But I get that if you’re going for idyllic, you might not want Bella pooping in the garden all the time.
What I can’t understand is why no one wants to leave Utopia, land of yelling and mysterious colored liquids, especially the three people who seem miserable to be there all the time. Bella could return to the outdoorsy life she already has back home, except there, she can walk around telling her trees how sexy they are without also having to weep her way to filtered water; Bri could go back to school to take Dieting for Cows 101 and maybe date men who don’t seem to hate her stinkin’ guts; and Red could go back to doing freaky stuff with his nerve-inducing wife (50 percent chance it’s still underneath a barn though).
But like all the cults before them, no one wants to leave Utopia and its 130 surveillance cameras… they, and the 45 of us still embarrassingly enthralled by this madness, still think Utopia can work.
Josh in Charge of Our Days and Our Love Shacks
The Utopians have been sampling out new styles of government every couple of days, and it’s Josh’s turn to choose. He decides to keep the democratic situation that Amanda established, but mostly he just wants to make a big slip and slide, which is a bureaucratic structure I can get behind. “Hopefully we can lighten the mood around here… I know I’m going to put the banana hammock on and go down it.” No one knows how to put people at ease quite like Josh.
NEXT: Or, we could just vote all three of them out…