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Utopia recap: Week two and more chicken tractors

Tonight’s episode sees the 13 remaining pioneers trading in their weak and weary for a new Director of Social Media Something or Other and Vice President of Eye Candy.

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Utopia Recap
John Fleenor/Fox


Current Status:
On Hiatus
Alanis Morissette

ICYMI on Friday’s extra episode: Dave can handle not getting his “ramen soups” (as long as he gets to yell about it and branch off to form a separate state); he can handle spending money on “pickled horseradishes” (as long as he can yell even more and destroy cans of valuable resources in a fit of rage); but he simply draws the food drama line at shifty banana trades. Don’t we all?

After Amanda borrowed six bananas from the Utopia State of Freedom—you know, to feed the unborn fetus growing inside of her—and only received four bananas in the grocery delivery to pay them back, Dave, uh, lost his damn mind. So, he left Utopia, which is actually more sane than anything else he’s done. Then he left a letter in the Utopia mailbox (sure, why wouldn’t they tell us these people can receive mail and are more connected to the outside world than the people on The Biggest Loser ranch next door, or pretty much any other reality show) asking if he could come back, to which everyone was like, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! but you can come back and get baptized and then, see ya never, hope you turn over a new leaf.”

“These people does not know a damn thing about surviving.” –Red

Friday’s episode saw Josh the Contractor and Rob the Patriot successfully installing power and plumbing to the barn, and the producers installing two new Utopia pioneer candidates—Kristen and Rhonda—who the original pioneers must choose between to stay. Both women describe themselves as entrepreneurs, but Kristen really puts the hard sell on knowing the ins and outs of business and how to make money. I didn’t really know that business acumen was going to be an issue in Utopia Land of Dreams, but the way they go on and on about it makes me think I might be able to buy some Utopian jams and jellies on the side of an L.A. highway quite soon. Fox realizes it’s just making a cult, right? This is basically the beginning of Marcy May Marlene, but as a comedy of errors instead of a terrifying indie drama.

4 utopia fruitcake

The pioneers need some sort of business to bring in money for new appliances, because apparently they’re not looking to keep eating mysterious substances out of tiny pans and drinking even more mysterious substances out of giant mason jars… seriously, what are they always drinking? And with Kristen on their side—sorry Rhonda, I wish you the best of luck in your enthusiasm for motorcycles—the business ideas are really flowing:

–Hillbilly survival lessons with Red

–Hex can make jewelry out of nails

–”I’ve been putting rocks in the garden… so people can donate memorial rocks to their pets.” – Bella

–Dr. Nikki can teach Utopi-yoga

NEXT: And the first Utopia business is (fingers crossed for nail jewelry)…