“You’ve got to take care of yourself, okay? You listen to me: You have got to learn to stick up for yourself, okay? Then, when your garden starts to grow, they will have much more respect for your skill set. It’s going to be all fine, okay, baby? Just relax and give yourself a hug. You’re going to be fine. Everybody, including your animals back home, need you to stay right where you are right now. If little Simba were here right now, he’d give you a hug, so just imagine Simba in your arms right now, licking your face and kissing your tears off. Okay… you feeling better? Yeah, thank you.”
That is an unedited transcription of Dr. Nikki trying to comfort Bella after no one wants to hear one more word about the chicken tractor.
Oh man, just kidding, you guys, that is totally Bella talking to herself like some sort of self-help Smeagol, as she aggressively caresses her own arms and weeps—it is absolutely bonkers and it’s not even close to the craziest thing she says all episode. And you know the real kicker? This is a woman who is probably one the most-equipped pioneers there to physically survive in this situation; but if she makes it out without pulling all of her hair out and probably, like, covering herself in mud and creeping around in the bushes or something, it will be a miracle.
These days, the rarest thing a reality show can do is accurately represent real life. The best thing it can do is represent the positive aspects of human nature; although depicting the worst aspects isn’t altogether terrible—in fact it can be pretty interesting—but it’s generally much more difficult to stomach. Just try watching the second season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills after Taylor Armstrong’s husband committed suicide; that is real, terrible stuff, and it is nearly impossible to sit through. Likewise, watching two adult men stomp around trying to recruit people with bologna sandwiches like two kids trying to find a loophole in the rules at a Model U.N. conference is both riveting in its wackiness and tear-inducing in its idiocy. I weep for Utopia. Give yourself a hug, Jodi, you’re going to get through this, okay?
Like Bri the Veterinary Student/Extremely Thorough Lime-Bather, I have to ask… is now a good time to define our relationship with Utopia? Perhaps it’s too soon—this overly prevalent aggressive behavior could just be something some of them need to get out of their system. It seems to have worked with Josh. Perhaps Dave will even grow tired of his own tirades. At some point, Red might not be able to stomp his feet into the ground like Yosemite Sam from sheer muscle exhaustion. You know what’s probably good for muscle exhaustion? Radishes.
Two Man Non-Secession
But Dave and Red don’t want radishes. Dave and Red don’t want anything that anybody else wants, except maybe each other, because Red seems to have imprinted on Dave like a baby duckling, or vice versa. As the latter half of the first week begins, both Dave and Red decide that they want to take their share of the $5,000 and do whatever they want with it. But as the money isn’t exactly divisible by shares, and math seems a little tiresome at the moment, they decide to refocus their efforts on creating their own branch of Utopia, separate from the rest of the group. They’ll call it Utopia State of Freedom, and it will come to mean absolutely nothing. It’s founding principles are, “Yell first, ask questions later,” and “If the answers to those questions don’t suit you, yell louder.”
Their main reason for wanting to branch out on their own is that they don’t like the way the money is being allocated for “fancy things” like produce and brown rice (and Bella’s talk of a water filter because “a lot of y’all don’t realize there’s something called fluoride in the water”). If Dave and Red had it their way, it would be Vienna sausages, ramen noodles, and a whole bunch of tap water Tang for the next year.
NEXT: Dave and Red take an interesting societal observation and scream it into the ground…