You know how, no matter the Bachelor or Bachelorette season, Chris Harrison always says, “This will be the most dramatic finale ever”? Well, that’s always a lie, but UnREAL doesn’t suffer from that same fate. (ASIDE: UnREAL may be more realistic than we thought, based on Harrison’s response to the show—seems like it struck a nerve.) Rachel promises Quinn to give her the “greatest finale in Everlasting history”—and as we’ve seen all season, Rachel knows how to deliver. I only dream of a real-life reality show that’s as bonkers as this live show turns out to be… but I’m getting ahead of myself.
We start the episode with Rachel waking up in Jeremy’s bed. If you were thinking that she must have turned down Adam’s runaway offer, you were wrong. She sneaks out of the cozy log cabin, leaves behind a note for Jeremy, and heads to the tarmac where Adam’s private jet is waiting.
While Rachel was escaping, Adam was doing the same: He sneaked away from Anna’s bedside with his passport, only to run into Quinn. I thought she was going to derail his plans, but he still ends up meeting Rachel at the plane. She’s so happy to leave… and then Adam tells her this was actually a bad idea. Their love for each other is actually just “heroin,” and he doesn’t want her to end up dying in a bar in Paris (way to see that analogy through, Adam!). Rachel is, of course, devastated. She says she just blew up her life for him, which is a little extreme considering her note to Jeremy only said, “I don’t deserve you.”
And so, before the credits even flash onto the screen, our happy ending is dead—which we should have known since it would have been too quick in the episode for a happy ending… if happy endings even do exist on UnREAL.
Back on set the next morning as if nothing has happened, Rachel and Adam try to pick up the pieces. Adam explains to Anna that he ran because he got scared that this was too real, yada yada yada… I think she’s buying it. Rachel sits by the lake with crazy mascara-running “Lady Gaga” eyes before she sucks it up and brings her greatest-finale-ever pitch to Quinn.
Quinn is having trouble of her own. Brad’s assistant called to cancel her pitch meeting (see, she should have just pitched on the spot last time!). Then she goes to mope in her office only to find it filled with Chet, Madison (or “Longstocking” as Quinn calls her), and Dr. Wagerstein. Madison is now standing up to say that the blow job she gave Chet was consensual—and related, she’s now a field producer and Dr. Wagerstein is written into the show.
Dr. W and Madison leave the room, and Quinn tells Chet she understands: Now that she’s the wifey, he needs a new sidepiece. She was Madison 15 years ago. Sadly, Quinn thought she and Chet had real love, the kind where he didn’t need hookers or teenagers. “Whatever, she’s a mouth,” is all he has to say. Classy, dude.
So when Rachel presents her finale pitch—a live wedding in London—Quinn uncharacteristically opens up. She shows Rachel wedding mags; she had bought into the delusion that she had found true love and could have a happy ending. But she says there is no such thing for women like them. Whether or not that’s true, Rachel knows what they are good at: producing people. And she knows a way to produce a finale that will take down both the men in their lives.
At the mansion, the two remaining women are preparing for today’s activity: wedding dress shopping with a stylist. (I’ve always heard it’s bad luck to try on wedding dresses before you’re engaged… just saying.) As Grace and Anna are chatting off camera, Jeremy overhears them talking about how Adam went missing last night. And just as luck would have it, Rachel uses that time to pop up and say her note was just a “super girly freakout”; he claims to not have even received the note. Lies all around!
But there isn’t much time to dwell on that because instead they all have to deal with a surprise guest: Britney. (I mayyyy have screamed a little when she stepped out because Arielle Kebbel is back—it was so disappointing to see her leave in the premiere.) The night before, Chet was loaded and apparently called and asked her to return. He tells Quinn he wanted to do something “really gonzo” for the finale. Only problem is, she tells him they’ve done this over three different seasons. He doesn’t even remember. (Whose show is this again?) And this is the moment Quinn decides to return her giant engagement ring.
Grace uses her alone time with Adam to throw her name back into the running. She says that Anna will be too boring for Royal Renovations; but Grace says that if Adam picks her, they can “do it until you’re cross-eyed” and then when they break up after a year, the audience will be on his side. It’s no wonder that this plan sounds good to him, so he relays it to Rachel in their first talk post-non-runaway. She says there’s no hard feelings and simply goes on to explain that he has to give a talking head about bringing Britney back since he let her go too early.
Rachel then runs to Grace and tells her that she slept with Adam: “We had dirty sex last night; he almost left the show for me. He’s a manipulator; he’s a slut.” She tells Grace that she has a way she can help her look good on the show, but Grace isn’t buying it. “You’re a manipulating slut.” And she decides to produce her own story. It only took Grace until the finale to figure out what this show is all about.
Jeremy sneakily tells Adam that Rachel told him about “last night.” Of course we know he doesn’t know exactly what happened, but Adam reveals enough for him to get a clue. Which makes it all the more suspicious when Jeremy says it would be great to share a room with her in London.
NEXT: London calling