Back in episode 2 of UnREAL, this here recap served as a ranking for who had the least amount of soul. And now at episode 9, one episode away from the first season finale, I think we all can agree that it’s about a 10-way tie for first. Everyone on this show—from Host Graham, who says about two lines an episode, to Dr. Wagerstein, who is supposed to be the one sane person—is a cheater, liar, and backstabber out for him or herself. You would think this show was about the behind-the-scenes of a law firm, not a reality TV show.
But on Everlasting, the drama behind the cameras is even more interesting than what’s broadcast to America. While viewers are watching Adam go on dates with his final three (or his “troika” as Graham so eloquently puts it), we are treated to both Rachel’s merry-go-round of men and Quinn’s masterful mind in action. It’s like a beautifully dark puzzle how it all falls into place, but let’s take it from the top…
Rachel, if you remember (and how could you forget!?), slept with Adam in his suite. She wakes up to a message from Jeremy saying he’s waiting for her in the truck. So she leaves one man’s bed, finds Jeremy, and goes with him back to his log cabin. OF COURSE Jeremy has a log cabin. Luckily she has just enough time in the shower to wash off Adam before Jeremy jumps in with her.
And back at the mansion, Quinn is getting it on with Chet. (Seriously, there must be someone always having sex somewhere at this mansion.) He notices she isn’t wearing her ring, and she brushes it off as it being too big to wear on set. And right as they’re about to, um, wrap up, Chet says he wants to make a baby with her. She obliges. Clearly she has a plan (and probably Plan B).
The next day on set, the final ladies are told, on camera of course, about Royal Renovations. This is only news to Faith, though, who thinks it will be cool to do some construction. Anna agrees that Adam will need a partner, someone who will help him with the nitty-gritty of fixing up the vineyard, not just “some diva who will pick out swatches.” And with that, Grace fires back that it would be terrible if he ended up with a “sad sack with a dead daddy who can’t keep her dinner down.” The claws are fully out.
The three of them get individual dates at the vineyard; after which one lady will go home and one will get to spend a night alone with Adam. Chet wants it to be Grace, so he goes over to unbutton her shirt. She doesn’t mind that so much as she minds not being the definite pick for Royal Renovations. Anna definitely has her heart set on it—she even tells Rachel that she might actually be “falling for him” (she has the Bachelor lingo down well). And even Faith has a horse in this race: She thinks if she and Adam did this for a year, she could bring Amy out and he could sleep with whomever he wants.
These are all great ideas, except Adam has his heart set on another: “[With them], it’s just fiction. With you and me, you know we have something real,” he tells Rachel. And they kiss again. She’s told him about choosing Jeremy, but Adam doesn’t seem to care… and neither does she really.
While the vineyard dates are being filmed, Quinn is away for a doctor’s appointment—but that’s actually code for she’s flying to visit Brad for the day while taking a Plan B (See! We know our girl well!). She tells him that Everlasting is a dinosaur, she’s leaving Chet, and she’s going to pitch him new great TV ideas. He agrees to hear her best ideas. So Quinn says okay and leaves. Call me crazy, but if she weren’t going to pitch these great ideas right then, why did that warrant a trip on a jet to Brad? Wouldn’t a phone call or FaceTime have sufficed? She clearly had the ideas already because it turns out the mysterious flash drive from last episode contains eight year’s worth of ideas that she never shared with Chet.
NEXT: No one seems to remember that there are always cameras everywhere[pagebreak]
Quinn returns to set, where she has a heart-to-heart with Madison. Quinn tells her she knows what happened and that she knows Chet pushed her into doing something she didn’t want. Madison tries to explain what happened—”his penis was just right there staring at me”—and she sounds like a gullible 19-year-old who is easily persuaded by both Chet and Quinn. Quinn takes that as an admission of sexual assault and tells her she’ll take care of everything.
Confused little Madison goes to Dr. Wagerstein for help. She says she was just flattered that Chet wanted to hook up with her—which made me very, very sad. And instead of obeying her Hippocratic oath and addressing Madison’s own psychological issues, Dr. Wagerstein tells her “Nobody here does anything to be nice. The quicker you learn that, the longer you survive.” She tells her she has a way to solve her problem, but she doesn’t mention that means going to Chet. Dr. W tells Chet everything. He’s clearly shocked that Quinn knows and is willing to take him to court. Wagerstein doesn’t care about Madison; she just wants to use this as leverage to get what she wants on the show: her own segment, and eventually her own spin-off à la Dr. Phil.
Things continue to get complicated on camera as well. Adam ends up sending Faith home and picks Anna for the overnight date, which obviously angers Grace. But there’s very little time to dwell on the on-camera drama because shortly after, Quinn is watching the video feeds, presumably to find Chet and Madison footage, and instead finds Rachel and Adam footage. She calls them both into her office and threatens them. Rachel will join her new company or Quinn will release the footage; and Adam will get married on camera (she wants “an honest to god, ring on the finger, blood on the sheets, ratings bonanza”) or she’ll release the footage.
After, Rachel watches the cameras—which are supposed to be off for the overnight date—and sees Adam having sex with Anna. She watches until they are done, have fallen asleep, and Adam leaves the room (kiiiinda creepy Rachel). She goes to find Adam on the rock in which they had their first chat. He says he doesn’t want to pick any of the girls left: “You’re the only woman here who deserves that ring.” Awwww. He proposes that they run away tonight… and…. fade to black. Next week’s finale needs to get here faster.
- When Chet tells Wagerstein that the urologist just told him he has the sperm count of a 21-year-old, she replies, “Did they have to pump Madison’s stomach to get the sample?” 10 points for Dr. Wagerstein!
- But Faith wins with this one: “Dude, I don’t know if anyone’s told you, but you are a player. If I drew a vagina on a white piece of paper, you’d probably hit on it.”
- Poor, poor Jeremy. He tells Rachel in this episode to leave reality TV behind with him—and he thinks she will. Is he really that clueless as to what’s going on with Adam?
- Rachel tells Adam, “Until you propose, they’re all the one” when he doesn’t know how to act toward Grace. This must a line directly pulled from real life Bachelor producers.
- Arielle Kebbel is coming back! Who else is excited!?