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'UnREAL' recap: 'Two'

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James Dittiger/Lifetime

UnREAL

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
tvpgr:
TV-MA
seasons:
2
run date:
06/01/15
performer:
Shiri Appleby
Producer:
Marti Noxon
broadcaster:
Lifetime
genre:
Drama

Everlasting is recovering after Mary’s suicide. This is a time to reflect, to realize what’s important, and to be the best versions of ourselves. Nope. This is still the time for scheming, cheating, and sabotaging. The cast and crew of Everlasting can do nothing else it seems.

The Mary tribute episode aired to crazy ratings: up 22 percent over the week before. “People should die more often,” Quinn says to a jubilant Brad. He wants to capitalize on this “success” (also known as a DEATH) by having Adam get married on air following the finale. Ever the businesspeople, Chet and Quinn pitch a spin-off on the spot called Royal Love, which would follow Adam and his new bride around the U.K. as they adjusted to married life. Brad says throw in the “Mexican bikini model”—who I believe is actually Brazilian, but they’ve called her Mexican so many times I’m now doubting myself—(“she’ll bring in the Telemundo audience”), and they have a deal. Chet and Quinn say no problem.

Except it’s kind of a problem when you’re deciding people’s futures for them. The showrunners take the offer straight to Adam and Grace. Grace is ON BOARD, but Adam isn’t so sure. When Grace leaves the room, he tells Chet and Quinn that it is absurd to expect him to marry a woman he barely knows. And we know he wants to follow that sentence up with, “and I may love another woman,” but he doesn’t.

After all, just the night before was when Rachel snug into Adam’s room for some serious spooning. Like tweens at a slumber party, they stayed up all night talking. But when Adam tries to turn a foot rub into sex, Rachel rebuffs him: “You have enough toys around here to play with.” And as she leaves his room, she runs right into Jeremy—that other guy she spent all night with this week. Awkward.

Rachel is then brought into the Royal Love plot. Chet says if she can get Adam to agree to the show, then she can be the executive producer (when he says no to her other demands: peace in the Middle East and a sailboat full of ponies). So Rachel goes to her bedmate, assuming he will play ball, and he says no way, Jose. He refuses to give up another year of his life to this charade. Maybe Adam is smarter than we thought? He yells, “You are literally insane if you think I’m going to marry a girl I met three weeks ago on a TV show,” as likely every past Bachelor must have said before him.

And it doesn’t take long for the Royal Love news to make its way around camp. Anna overhears Grace speaking in a British accent to the mirror. Grace, first of all, just because you move to the U.K. does not mean you suddenly get an accent. And two, who actually talks to the mirror like that? When Anna tells her to quit imagining she’ll be Adam’s pick—because “sluts get cut”—Grace rubs the news in Anna’s face.

So Anna runs to Rachel and tells her she should be the wife in Royal Love. Rachel is all about this—probably because she’d rather manage Anna for a year than the ice queen Grace—so she tells Anna she has to be the one to persuade Adam to pick her. (Isn’t that how this show is supposed to work!?)

On this episode’s date, the four remaining women get individual spa treatments with Adam, arranged by one Rachel Goldberg. Sneaky, sneaky Rachel arranged for Grace’s spa treatment to be a dirt burial, during which Grace has a panic attack and runs away. Rachel is able to not-so-subtly mention to Chet that it might be better for Adam to end up with someone not so high strung, someone like Anna. He says he thinks he can sell Brad on Anna.

NEXT: The romances behind the show[pagebreak]

It only helps that Rachel has planned Anna’s spa date to be a lesson on tantric massage. Anna and Adam are really into it; all is going according to plan—until Anna mentions something about the two of them being in England. He thinks the producers are trying to pawn her off on him for the spin-off show, so he gets angry and leaves. Rachel runs after him, trying to convince him to join the show by telling him what’s at stake for her. But surprise, surprise: Marriage actually means something to our horny Suitor Adam, so he’s still giving her a firm no.

Rachel tells Chet that it’s a no-go; but Chet is not a man who takes no for an answer. And in a scene I really don’t understand, he makes Rachel drive his Aston Martin on curvy roads. He then holds down her leg until they are going almost 100 mph. He’s yelling something about how life is full of danger, and … I don’t know, I was distracted worrying that Shiri Appleby might die (and with no Jason Behr in sight!).

When they don’t die, they head back to the mansion, where Rachel throws up and then uses her newly found courage (still don’t get how Chet almost killing her gave her that?) to get Adam to agree to Royal Love. Her pitch: Shoot the show at the vineyard, demand that it be called Adam Cromwell Winery (not Everlasting Winery), get engaged to Anna, and refuse to get married until he’s ready. Aaaand I think we may have a deal!

Also pitching a proposal this episode is Chet—but his is an actual proposal. Since he left Cynthia last episode, he is free and clear to move on with Quinn. And he suggests they do so as soon as possible. He gives her a giant rock, which she happily wears until she finds him getting a blow job from poor little Madison in the candle supply closet. (Seriously, can you walk into a room or truck on this set without someone hooking up in it!?) Quinn goes straight to her office, where she opens a safe and swaps her diamond ring for a flash drive. Is this from the Faith hometown footage? The B-roll they filmed after Mary’s death? Something else??

Chet and Quinn aren’t the only ones having romantic problems. After his night with Rachel, Jeremy breaks it off with Lizzie. He tells Rachel, who isn’t quite sure what to say. But he doesn’t let her talk, he just smashes her face with his and says he’ll come by her truck later that night (so romantic!). Except when he goes to meet her, she’s not there. He calls her cell and it starts ringing. It’s on top of a pair of panties. Much like a naked Rachel is on top of a naked Adam. Oh no. Our love triangle is officially complicated.

Reality Bites:

  • “She has the lips, the body, and she can count to 10… I think.” —What it takes to win Everlasting, according to Chet
  • Did anyone else notice Rachel holding her stomach and taking aspirin? Is it weird that I jumped straight to “she must be pregnant”?
  • Shamiqua had a good run, but Adam finally sent her home this episode. And with her, we have to say goodbye to her producer, Jay. He was a bit shady, but I’m going to miss him. However, I didn’t miss Shia one bit this episode.
  • Madison said she’s been wanting to get into this business since she was a little girl. Who has childhood dreams of working on a reality dating show!? That’s not normal.

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