Wouldn’t you just love to be a producer on a reality dating show? You get to manipulate the minds of poor women with low self-esteem; you get to yell things like, “Sluts get cut”; and you get paid $189 a pay period to do it!
That’s right: Rachel gets her first paycheck from this season of Everlasting, and it’s a whopping $189. Quinn tells her that her meltdown in the past season wasn’t cheap, and she’s going to be paying for it through work. And pay for it she does—she’s now in triple overtime (her meltdown must have been really expensive), and Quinn needs her to take a break since her crazy eyes are starting to come back.
But before she can go to the beach or whatever it is she does in her non-existent spare time, Rachel has to remind Grace and Adam what kind of show they’re on. This is Everlasting—not The Real World. And on Everlasting, the ladies don’t sneak off to the wardrobe truck to give the suitor a blowjob. Because as everyone knows, “Prince Charming doesn’t get his knob polished until he’s in love.”
And with that handled, Rachel takes a production van to her parents’ house. This is bad for two reasons: 1. She has a suspended license; 2. Things fall apart on set while she’s gone.
This week’s episode of Everlasting centers around a cocktail party, which will lead to a romantic dinner with Adam for three ladies; the “winner” of that dinner will get a daylong date. But the catch is Adam’s “best mate” Roger Lockwood will be selecting the women for Adam. And Roger is a douchebag.
In order to help her girl Maya, Shia gives her some insight: To get the date with Adam, she has to win over Roger, and he’s “kind of a slut.” So after ONE SHOT of alcohol, she’s telling Adam and Roger how she’s a “total hedonist.” This is going nowhere good.
At home, Rachel is having her own catastrophe: her mother. Turns out mommy dearest is a psychologist who practices on her own daughter. She’s been putting her on meds for years and has diagnosed her with everything from ADD to bipolar disorder. I’m with Rachel on this one: I don’t think that’s exactly ethical.
Rachel just wants a loan to help pay her terrible roommate Bethany and her legal bills, but her mom says she’ll only help Rachel if she agrees to in-family treatment. When Rachel tries to push back, her mom just digs in deeper: “The reason you are so good at what you do, the manipulation, the attunement, that is the disease.” Yes, Rachel is a little too good at manipulation, and I’ve only known her for two episodes now, but I don’t think she has borderline personality disorder or any of the other diagnoses. (Related: Is Munchausen syndrome by proxy just for physical illness?) After crying it out with her mom, Rachel gets a check for $20,000 from her mom—but she tears it up in the van before driving away. Good girl.
Speaking of not having a great day… Chet just did a line of coke before having sex with Quinn—which started chest pains. At the hospital, they say he has mitral valve prolapse—not serious, but it mimics a heart attack. Since Quinn is the one to help him get to the hospital, she’s there when his wife Cynthia shows up. But twist! Cynthia knows about the affair. And in one of the classiest f— you speeches I’ve ever heard, Cynthia takes down Quinn. It deserves to be written in full:
“I’ve got the house, the cars, the vacations; Chet has you. But if you kill him with all this partying, I get 40 million in life insurance. What do you have? I wanted to thank you for sleeping with him. It’s one thing off my to-do list, and it keeps him from wandering. Thanks, Quinn. You’re a real class act.”
And as you know, there are a lot of real class acts on this show. Top of the list: Roger. After Maya throws herself at him, he chooses her, Anna, and Grace to go on the 3-on-2 dinner date. At the dinner it takes about .2 seconds for Maya to strip out of her cocktail dress and jump in the hot tub. Everyone follows, but it’s clearly Maya who is having the most fun. She’s slurring her words and now she’s making out with Roger—who you will remember is not the suitor.
NEXT: Roger is the worst