Attaboy, Clarence. Last night’s Two and a Half Men took us on a whirlwind trip through Alan’s lucid loony bin dreams, giving us a peek at what life could be like if Alan took a few wrong turns. It was kind of like It’s A Wonderful Life, but it proved the exact opposite point — Malibu pad aside, Alan’s life is pretty terrible. That’s the primary focus of this season now, right? They’re just going to kick the guy until he finally stays down.
If you recall, last week Alan had an epic life-altering meltdown. He mentally and sartorially morphed into his dead brother Charlie, ultimately resulting in a stay at the local loony bin, or as he called it, the stress clinic. We left him there, smoking a cigar on his cot. “Winning!”
A month later, it was almost time for Alan to be released back into the wild. Of course, Alan’s roommate was none other than Gary “I’m going to pull your endocrine system out of your body” Busey. As it goes. With a hug and a sweet “I love you,” Busey sent him on his way.
Things didn’t stay so beautifully Busey for long. On the ride home, Jake broke some bad news: Megan was “kinda” pregnant. Their plan for the baby? “We’re going to teach the baby to talk and put him in E-Trade commercials,” Jake explained. Unfortunately, things got even worse over at Chez Walden. First Alan learned that he was being audited, then a serious sit-down with Judith ended in disaster. Walden pointed out that Judith’s daughter, Milly, looked a lot like Alan. Herb was in the room, looking decidedly unhappy that his daughter might be the product of Alan Harper.
Wow, what a bad first day for Alan. It would all be okay though, he insisted. Despite the soul-sucking audit and rapidly growing grandchild, things would all work out. After all, he still had the tools he learned in the stress clinic, and his missing-for-weeks girlfriend Lindsey. Except, wait — now she was sleeping with Walden. Oops. It was bound to happen eventually. Walden has eight seasons of Charlie-whoring to catch up with in only so much time.
One thing Charlie probably wouldn’t do is toss Alan out of the house to screw his woman freely during Alan’s biggest time of need. “Lindsey doesn’t make any noise,” Alan protested. “I do now,” she replied. How rude! Of course, the logical next step for homeless Alan was suicide. He prepared a dramatic exit via exhaust fumes, but his car broke down before he had the chance. See — Alan can’t even do suicide right. Are we seeing an overall theme here? Alan screws up everything. Let’s move on.
Alan tried to crash at his mother’s place, but she wouldn’t even see him at the front door. In the pouring rain. How awful! Readers, call your mothers. Don’t let things get this like this. You don’t want to have to hear your mother say “So sorry. Missy Everyn is no home,” in a terribly offensive Chinese accent.
With nowhere left to go, Alan went to the only place he had left — a storage unit by the airport. Walden had decorated it with a “welcome home” sign, but there’s only so much you can do with a 6×10. “Rock bottom,” Alan sighed. “Can a man sink any lower?” Then the chair he was sitting in crashed to the ground. I can’t make these things up, kids.
Things briefly started to look up when a ridiculous blonde bombshell with a fake southern accent inexplicably hit on Alan. At this point, you had to know it was a dream. But before he even got a fake-chance to hook up with her, Herb showed up to ruin the fun. “I had a DNA test done on my daughter Milly,” he said. “Turns out she’s your daughter.” He pulled out a gun. “I’m about to get laid by Jessica Rabbit!” Alan screamed. See, that’s the only thing Alan has left to live for! A chance sexual encounter in a Playa Vista storage unit. This wasn’t a good enough argument to sway Herb, who shot Alan point blank with little to no remorse. “Mennnnnnnn.” It’s all over now, folks! After several scandals and nearly nine long seasons, Alan has relocated to that deluxe Malibu guest room in the sky.
NEXT: The end of an era