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Two and a Half Men recap: Onwards and Upwards

Walden loses it when Bridget meets a sexy new man

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Two Half Men Joe

Two and a Half Men

TV Show
Current Status:
run date:
Jon Cryer, Charlie Sheen, Conchata Ferrell, Marin Hinkle, Angus T. Jones, Melanie Lynskey, Holland Taylor

Well, that was a welcome visit, wasn’t it? I have to admit that much of this experimental new season has been as painful to write about as it’s been to witness, but I was cautiously optimistic going into this week’s episode. We had Alcide “I dare you to clothe me” Herveaux from True Blood, Kitty Sanchez from Arrested Development (“say goodbye to these, Michael”), and even Sue Sylvester from Glee, if you’re into that sort of thing. And you know what? I chuckled a few times. I did, guys.

Let’s start with the weird and gross: Walden started off naked in his living room (again), while Alan and Jake were doing, you know, nothing. Their sloth was interrupted by the sheer power of Walden’s massive manhood just as insecure Alan’s penis pump arrived in the mail. Before we had too much time to think about that, Walden found his divorce papers in the pile as well. Phew! But Walden (who was clearly not okay), insisted that he was totally okay. “It’s only the final death knell of the most meaningful relationship of my life.” Meltdown, ahoy!

Later that day, Alan found Walden burning his dead relationship mementos in the fireplace. He even torched an adorable stuffed monkey from their second date! “Burn in hell, little monkey!” he yelled. Too soon. Walden decided that the best way to move on was to pack it all up and move to New York. A clean slate, if you will. Alan, of course, was disturbed by this news. “If you sell the place, I wouldn’t be able to live… with myself,” he said in a panic. But, ever the impressively manipulative leech, Alan managed to convince Walden that a visit to Charlie’s old therapist, Dr. Freeman (Jane Lynch!), was the answer.

Walden was able to book an appointment pretty quickly, and he soon found himself learning some very uncomfortable truths. Mainly, that he married Bridget because she reminded him of his mother. “She did everything for me. I always felt very safe with her,” he said. About both of them. To his credit, he realized how sick this was and booked some return sessions.

Later, Walden and Alan went on a bro-date to the movies. Guess who paid? As they waited in line for refreshments, Walden noticed his ex, Bridget, hanging out with a drop-dead gorgeous werewolf from Bon Temps. As easy as it is to poke fun of Walden, it’s never fun when the destroyer of your heart starts dating someone really sexy after they’re finished stomping on it. Sorry, buddy. “That is one handsome man she’s with,” Alan gushed, not helping.

When Bridget and her Alex approached, Walden took to drastic measures. “Did you hear about my giant penis?” he taunted. I think that was penis joke three, right? Yes, that was three. It was a lean night. Alex, as we (and Walden) quickly found out, is also a saint who spends his life helping children in war zones. And you thought a goofy billionaire would be a tough act to follow! Alan, still freaking out over Alex’s good looks, was confused as to how Bridget landed so many hot guys. Did she have a magic vagina? He basically implied that he thought she was hideously ugly. Poll question — is Judy Greer really unattractive? Because, hey, I think she’s pretty cute.

NEXT: Bi. Curious?


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