It all starts (and ends) with a seemingly innocent pair of sweatpants. Alan and Lyndsey returned home from what I’m sure was a tantalizing date, but Lyndsey symbolically put the kibosh on all bedroom misdeeds by strolling in in her laundry day’s best. Which, in all honestly, I was pretty ecstatic about. It saved me from further exposure to the image of Jon Cryer posing in his underpanties. Anyway, “BURP!” Lyndsey was feeling sick from dinner and didn’t want to have sex. “I’m so full and bloated from that dinner, it would be like sticking a pin in a balloon,” she said. “Can we not call it a pin?” Alan whined. Seconds later, she kicked him out of the bedroom. Because sleep is always, always more important than having sex with Alan.
But unfortunately, Alan still had a little problem — he popped some Jimmy Johnson-endorsed ExtenZe! Or maybe it was Bob Dole-endorsed Viagra. Either way, he took it and then he had an erection. Thankfully, his totally platonic roommate Walden was available for some bonding over soft-core porn. This wasn’t weird, no, it wasn’t awkward to watch or think about at all. They opted for “a collection from the classic era of soft-corn cable porn,” the 1992 medieval baking hit Cinnamon’s Buns. Ha! More like cinnamon puns. It was an entertaining feature for sure, but things quickly went sour when they realized that Cinnamon was portrayed by none other than Alan’s currently prudish girlfriend, Lyndsey. Alan recognized her from her sex noises. Take that how you will.
The next morning, Alan was still miffed at breakfast. He even turned down sex! When Lyndsey laughed at the notion of this man ever turning down her advances, he replied, “Sometimes my mouth says ‘yes’ when my soul is screaming ‘no!‘” He was upset. Thankfully, Berta came in to break the tension with a dose of SASS. “You’re an attractive woman; you don’t have to settle. I mean, bye,” she joked to a departing Lyndsey. Alan tried to talk to Berta about his lady trouble, but Berta just didn’t care. She’s seen enough of these shenanigans over the past nine years. Malibu problems, am I right?
Walden was next to enter the kitchen, now freshly inspired by the endless possibilities found in baking. “I was thinking about your girlfriend’s porno movie,” he said. “I want to learn to bake. I think it would be fun. You know, cookies and cupcakes and pie, bread.” Oh my God, Walden — yes. It is fun. It is very, very fun. Strangely, Alan didn’t seem too excited about the fact that his roommate was going to be providing snacks. “That’s what you took from watching two people get it on in a 16th-century kitchen?” he asked.
Alan then put on his Al Borland throwback flannel and headed over to Lyndsey’s house for THE DRAMATIC CONFRONTATION. But, you see, this didn’t quite go the way that Alan had planned. (To be precise, it went something like this: “I saw Cinnamon’s buns. I saw Cinnamon’s boobs. I saw the little birthmark on the inside of Cinnamon’s thigh.”) Lyndsey was properly embarrassed when confronted about her checkered past, but then she trapped Alan into admitting mistakes from his past. And, wow, there were quite a few! Embezzlement, lying, adultery, possible illegitimate children, animal abuse…and this is from the guy who is not Charlie Sheen. Lyndsey didn’t like any of this, so she again showed him the door.
NEXT: Ashton Kutcher gets girls to come over! I know, right?!