Jolly good, then. I must say, I found last night’s installment of Two and a Half Ridiculous Manchildren to be far more watchable than its predecessors. Why, you may ask? Simple — Walden took the reins, while Alan was demoted to a background, Greek Chorus sort of role with Jake. After nine long seasons, Alan’s woe-is-me shtick has become extremely grating and often painfully unfunny, while Ashton Kutcher’s Walden has managed to breathe some life into Charlie Sheen’s corpse of a show. Get a job, man.
If you can remember as far back as two weeks ago, and Lord knows I can’t, then you know that Walden went on a date with a hot British woman named Zoey. It went horribly, horribly wrong, as Walden was still in love with his ex-wife, Bridget. Well, one measly week later, Walden was officially ready to move on. He brought his divorce papers to a cafe, so that he could sign them in front of Zoey. A totally normal thing to do on a second date. He had issues securing a pen, but all was resolved when he offered $100 to the restaurant patron with the finest ballpoint.
Later that night, Walden and Zoey enjoyed a romantic evening on his scenic Malibu porch. Well, it would have been a romantic evening if Walden could stop speaking in a terrible British accent. This was probably a huge turnoff, but then Walden casually mentioned his private jet, so all was forgiven. “Do you like Mexican food?” he asked. Well, duh. “We’ll go to Guadalajara!” The new couple kissed, and Walden instantly started planning their entire freaking future together. “I think we should start making plans for Christmas,” Walden proposed. This freaked Zoey out, but I bet all she could think about was JET JET JET. Meanwhile, Alan and Jake watched TV.
Walden told the boys that he was totally over Bridget, and he sort of proved this by presenting a serious diamond necklace to Zoey. In his jet. To Mexico. To her credit, she turned it down. Too soon. “You’re out of your bloody mind!” she said. So, no jet-sex for Walden. However, Zoey’s mind was quickly changed when Walden admitted that he had gotten her daughter into a prestigious elementary school, even after said daughter had majorly screwed up her interview. (They found incriminating pictures on her Facebook.) Man, you can do a lot of stuff with a billion dollars. Zoey was so excited that she jumped into his lap like a horny cat, and quickly became a card-carrying member of the mile high club. “He’s about to descend into London,” she said to the jet’s pilot. “What a lovely landing strip!” Walden replied. Ugh, gross.
The next day, Walden mooned over Zoey to Alan and Jake. “I think I’m falling in love,” he sighed. Both rightly thought that this was ridiculous, though neither had the time to properly express this. The doorbell rang, revealing a majorly stressed out Bridget. “I can’t sign the divorce papers,” she said. “I love you, and I want you back.” Walden was perplexed, but ultimately excited to see the former love of his life, who had inexplicably dumped one of the sexiest men on television.
NEXT: Who will he choose?