It’s easy to focus on the visuals, what with all the blood, boobs, biceps, and butts in a typical episode of True Blood. But the season 3 premiere had such a quippy script that I found myself rewinding to note the writer’s name. Let’s give a hand to co-executive producer Brian Buckner for making the wait worthwhile. He set the tone perfectly with a frantic Sookie running out of the French restaurant from which Bill had just been kidnapped and asking the trailing hostess if she saw anyone or anything. ”For the love of God! F—ing vampires! It’s always nothing but s—…,” the subtitled response said. But you can read more into it: This is crazy, but we’re all in on the joke, so just sit back and enjoy it.
As quickly as we were reminded how amazing that purple dress fits Sookie considering Bill bought it for her without her trying it on, we were reminded where we left everyone else at the end of season 2. Sam was on his way to Magnolia, Arkansas to find his birth parents, Melinda and Joe Lee Mickens. If, like me, you forgot who wrote that note with their names, last known whereabouts, and the words ”I’m sorry” and were surprised that the penmanship looked roughly the quality of one of Arlene’s teacup humans, it was Sam’s dying adoptive father. Jason, meanwhile, had arrived home from, as we saw in his pre-season minisode, asking everyone from ”Confusion” to ”that lion from Narnia” for forgiveness for shooting Eggs, who he’d thought was going to kill Andy during his confession to the murders Maryann made him commit. Jason was still so distraught that he didn’t even finish the beer he got out of the fridge — he threw it at a lamp, then sat in the open door of his refrigerator, which was 100 percent bachelor-accurate (95 percent beverages, 5 percent condiments). I just want the prop department to know that was appreciated. Tara held dead Eggs’ hand as his fine body (the only thing we’ll miss about that character) rested under a white sheet and the blood from his forehead wound began to seep through. Lafayette tried to comfort her. Jessica found the make-up flowers Hoyt had left on her porch, but just as we ”aw”ed, we heard gasping. Jessica unlocked the door to Bill’s home and dragged inside the trucker she’d fed on when he made the mistake of saying he liked the fact that she was a virgin. (That Jessica’s body will always use its supernatural healing powers to restore itself to the innocent state it had been in before Bill turned her is such a brilliant twist to the randy vampire genre, right? Also, totally cruel.)
Before the opening credits rolled, we got our first look at who kidnapped Bill — four werewolves who, for the moment, wish only to be identified as ”The F— You Crew.” Bill was in the backseat of his car, sitting between Coot (Grant Bowler, formerly Wilhelmina Slater’s lover Connor on Ugly Betty), and Gus (Don Swayze, Patrick’s brother). Out of respect for Don, who’s just fine in the role, I’m only going to say once how amazing it would have been to see Patrick as a werewolf biker ”playing with his titties in a car full of dudes” because his skin felt ”so f—in’ gooood.” Had it been Patrick told to spit some of Bill’s blood into another man’s mouth because they weren’t stopping the car so the front-seat passenger could get a drag, it would have been at least three quarters as hot as Bowler sucking on one of the fingers of his blood-soaked gloves. (And not just kinda gross.)
NEXT: ”Sookie, stop. Don’t. Come back.”