Howdy, folks! Annie’s a little busy with the liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive season finale of Dancing With the Stars, so I’ll be filling in for her tonight. During last week’s results show, the XBox was shaken to its very core when Lil’ Astro acted like an ungrateful snot. The X Factor’s logical next step? An episode themed around graciousness, of course. As Simon says, each contestant will “dedicate the song to somebody who’s made a difference in their lives and who they want to thank. BUT” — and here’s the twist — “it’s still a competition.” Devious!
The X Factor Alien X bursts through Earth’s atmosphere, destroying everything in its wake, as we open on a jolly Steve Jones. (Or, as my roommate insists on calling him every single week, “Who?”) Seems that the stakes are higher than ever this week — on tonight’s results show, two acts will get the boot. Maybe the season will end by Christmas after all. Also, as the episode progresses, we’re encouraged to tweet snarky things while using the hashtag #ohsnap. Guess #talktothehand and #doiiiii were otherwise occupied.
Rachel Crow, who somehow is not starring in The Muppets, is up first. Did you know she was born to a crack-addicted mother who abused her? Yeah, Rachel might just win tonight’s implicit sob-story-off. Her pre-song video package also includes some footage of adorable baby Rachel that may have been taped all of two years ago. She wears a ridiculous, floor-length, open-fronted plaid skirt while singing “I Believe” by Yolanda Adams. Wikipedia tells me the song is featured on the soundtrack of Simon’s second-favorite movie, Honey. As I watch Rachel belt, I believe that confetti will eventually rain from the ceiling; soon, I’m proved right. When she’s done, Nicole says Rachel has made a believer out of everyone in America. Not to be outdone, Paula lets loose this stream of nonsense: “If anyone ever questions that there are angels on the earth, living, it is you.” Does Paula know how angels work? Or how living works?
NEXT: Marcus is good to Mama