“As soon as you vote us off, we’ll die.” –everyone on The X Factor
Right? The sob stories are really intensifying this season and the battle for ultimate destitution is SO ON! This week Demi Lovato and L.A. Reid in particular engaged in scripted sit-downs with their team members so they could learn about these ragamuffins’ low-interest occupations and general poverty-stricken ways. This is their one and only shot at success in life, so you cretins better vote! Show me an X Factor act that isn’t homeless and I will show you an X Factor act that is going home.
Tonight’s theme — not that it matters in the slightest — was “Songs from Famous Movies,” which was basically an excuse for Diamond White to sing “I Have Nothing” (but I feel like that would have happened anyway). Let’s do it!
But first, a special thanks to reader Paul Bianco for submitting irrefutable proof that Demi Lovato was trying to channel Shannen Doherty in Heathers.
What’s your damage, Demi?
Arin Ray asserted his potential as a viable solo artist with an all-leather getup (save for one random knee band) and five sexy backup mamas in race car bodysuits on “American Boy.” He sounded good! No real issues and Mario Lopez — apparently a judge now — enjoyed the section where Arin rapped. In the first of many “night and day” allusions to the profound differences between this week’s and last week’s performances, Simon thought Arin had regained his confidence after winning the sing-off against Diamond White. (She’s baaaaaaack!) “You’re turning into a little pop star,” Mr. Cowell nonchalanted before yawning and taking a nap.
Beatrice Miller continues to dress like something The X Factor pulled out of a dumpster in the early 1990s. I’m so glad they did because what a voice! She’d been suffering from messed-up vocal chords throughout the week so I think “Iris” could have been much stronger, but her ease onstage is really genuine and I actually think she, along with Jennel Garcia, might be the most marketable acts in the bunch. L.A. Reid couldn’t quite award Beatrice with his coveted “chill bumps” (“OH NO!” –nobody) but he did tell Beatrice “The tone of your voice sounds like a hit record.” Absolutely agree. But does she have to wear 67 scarves? A mere 21 — one for every remaining hobo — would have been fine.
NEXT: Can Demi do anything right?