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The X Factor recap: Give a Fat Boy a Chance

It’s the final plumped-up auditions episode. May the most narcissistic preteen win!

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X Factor

The X Factor

TV Show
Current Status:
Reality TV

Well, no more auditions episodes from now on. We’re going to Miami! Welcome to Miami. Sorry, got a little ahead of myself. I’m just so excited for boot camp. I can’t wait to see that sparkly little princess’ chubby cheeks gushing with tears. Come on. We were all thinking it!

The judges just completely don’t give a s— how people’s voices sound as long as they’re one of four things: hot, adorable, a drama queen, or a complete and uttah spectacle. So 13-year-old Trevor and 12-year-old Jordyn — two not-cute kids who find themselves overwhelmingly precious — are going to Miami. We’re number four! We’re number four!

After Trevor Moran woke up from his long, well-timed nap — no trip to the hospital necessary, it turned out — he was able to go onstage having snuffed out his dehydration with some water and Gatorade. (PEPSI PEPSI PEPSI.) He romped around “singing” LMFAO’s “I’m Sexy and I Know It,” which was just….no. So uncomfortable. Trevor and I look a lot different, but based purely on body motions and noises emitted, he looked and sounded exactly like I do when I’m drunk at karaoke. Sure it’s fun for my friends, but the last thing I’d deserve, or could have any hope of surviving, is anything remotely resembling “boot camp.” What a disaster.

In other words: “Everything The X Factor is all about, you embody,” L.A. Reid told Trevor. I rest my case.

Jordyn Foley, a large pigtailed cretin with piano-key knee socks and a silver sequined tie, was sooooooo much worse. She screeched out “Tomorrow” from Annie, pausing to insert some original spoken-word prose poetry into the mix. “Listen up! Tomorrow’s always at hand, and always look forward to the future.” Her Ronald McDonald-haired mother nodded vigorously. She’s a believe in tomorrow. You gotta believe in the passage of time! Demi Lovato assured Jordyn she “shined onstage” (yeah, due to the tie), and L.A. got some cheap thrills from Jordyn’s ability to “put Simon in excruciating pain.” You know what that means: She’s through to boot camp.

Owen Stuart is a 16-year-old cutie with a good voice and a girlfriend. Demi, your thoughts?

NEXT: I could really use a whiskey right now, whiskey right now