It’s a good thing that there’s no official drinking game associated with The Voice. Because if I had to take a shot of root beer schnapps every time somebody cried, and another five shots every time that somebody was me, I’d probably be passed out in a shopping cart somewhere.
Seriously, though. Listening to poor Jamie Lono get choked up because his good friend’s meant to win? That’s heartbreaking. And hearing Jamar Rodgers’ speech about how your life is never really over, even if you’re HIV positive? Well, let’s just say that somebody might be putting her hands over her face to muffle some honest-to-goodness snuffling noises. People, I am truly moved—by a Foreigner song.
But we’ll get to that later. First, we must contend with the night’s very first diva-off. And that’s…
Team Christina: Sera Hill vs. Geoff McBride
You know you’re dealing with major talent when a contestant earns not one, but two Whoa! hand gestures from his coaches. (Yes, Whoa! is the international sign language for “That gigantic voice just came out of your tiny head? Stop it! You’re making the rest of us look bad.”) And that’s exactly what happens when Geoff McBride opens up and nails everyone to Christina’s zebra-print floor with Aretha Franklin’s “Chain of Fools.” Immediately, both Christina and Geoff’s mentor, Lionel Richie, show him the palms of their hands, like, Nuh-uh! “This is not coming out of a microphone!” exclaims Richie. “This is not coming out of a speaker!”
Clearly, during rehearsals, Geoff is the much better singer. You can even tell by the way Carson introduces him and Sera: “passionate vocalist Geoff McBride” vs. “hotel receptionist Sera Hill.” Now, who’s gonna win that one? Geoff could’ve dominated the whole battle, except that Sera, who’s a major talent herself, makes the smartest game plan: “I’m gonna call out my diva card a little bit more.” And so, she struts around in that strapless white dress, puffing up her hair like some Funkadelic rooster, unleashing her sassiness upon the world.
Before the battle even starts, Christina knows that Geoff will need a little help in the personality department: “When she gives you this head thing, you’ve gotta be like, What? What?” she tells him, demonstrating How To Take Attitude. Luckily, Geoff must’ve packed his WhatWhat-to-English dictionary, because he knows exactly what she means. Out on stage, he’s all charisma, turning his back on Sera with a perfect girl, please! expression, falling down on his knees, even pulling off his glasses for dramatic effect. (The guy needs to wear sunglasses for medical reasons, and he’s willing to take them off just to prove he’s a contender? Let’s hope NBC offers good COBRA coverage.)
Sadly, though, Geoff’s role mostly gets restricted to the low harmonies, and with Sera wailing the high, showy parts, he doesn’t stand a chance. Though Sera’s “chain of fooooo-ooools” veers off pitch, while Geoff maintains more control, Christina eventually chooses Sera, praising “the soul that you evoke when you sing.” Sera cries with happiness. Then Geoff thanks Christina for the opportunity, confessing that, “It’s the first time in 51 years that my mother and my brother are in the crowd to see me perform.” Then Geoff’s family gets a little teary. We’ll miss you, Geoff! Root beer schnapps shots for all!
NEXT: Who’s got the best boobs on Team Blake?