Okay, quick: who’s your favorite coach on The Voice? Your answer tells as much about you as it might to reveal your favorite Beatle. Blake’s the heart of the whole operation. (Sharing his sarsaparilla with that poor mustache guy who looked like he’d escaped from the “Dream of the 1890s” sketch!) Adam’s the guts. (He’s willing to turn his chair for some risky choices, but that’s only because he’s too cocky to think he won’t win.) Christina’s the voice. (Blake didn’t concede that she’s “one of the greatest singers of her generation” for nothing.) And Cee Lo’s the loins. (What was all that talk about “the package”?) So, tonight, let’s break this down team by team.
TEAM CHRISTINA: THE BELLOWERS
Brazilian-born family man Jonathas learned English by listening to music, and judging by the amount of time he spends praising “the American dream,” I’m betting that music was a bit of Springsteen, and a whole lot more Springsteen. Jonathas lays it on so smooth during Usher’s “U Got It Bad,” crooning up his finest scented-candle R&B while doing a little pump-it! dance with his hips, that Cee Lo claims he thought Usher was actually singing. But all Christina has to do to steal Jonathas away from Cee Lo is bat those false eyelashes and purr: “I want to mold you and package you and do the right thing by you.” And that’s it. It’s all over. Jonathas, who confesses that he’s had “the hots” for Christina since fifth grade, goes with Team Teenage Crush. Guess he wants Christina to do right by his package. Or something like that.
Next up is Monique Benabou, a.k.a. FreeSpiritSoulSinger. (At least, that’s what she calls herself on YouTube, though one look at her feather earrings could’ve told you that.) Monique, who looks a little like a young, hipster Gloria Estefan, wants to audition because, “Being on The Voice would be a huge thank you to my parents.” (Isn’t it weird how any singer who’s single and doesn’t have kids shows up on set with his or her parents? And that’s true whether that person is 21 years old or 45 years old? We love these moms and dads, but we’re starting to suspect that someone at NBC might be working as a “stay-at-home son.”) Belting out a not-so-shy version of Kelly Clarkson’s “Mr. Know It All,” Monique works the rock ‘n’ roll in her voice, and she sounds pretty good. Christina makes a sniffy face at some of the high notes, but in the end, she takes Monique.
Finally, down from the heavens comes Anthony Evans, whose father is Dr. Tony Evans, the Christian pastor, radio broadcaster, and chaplain to the NFL and NBA. Admits Anthony of his famous dad, “I started to feel this pressure, [like] you gotta be something ’cause your dad’s something.” Though he needn’t worry: according to his bio, Anthony’s favorite musical memories include singing backup for U2 at the 2o01 Grammys. Suck it, pops! Anyway, Anthony eases into Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On” with a trembling tenor that’s tailor-made to give Adam sweet, sweet fantasies of, well, himself. But when Anthony hits the vocal runs right on target, Christina picks him instead. “I thought you had a beautiful voice,” she says, shrugging. Or maybe she just wants to make Adam mad?
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