Well, there you have it. As expected, our Final Four consists of Team Cee Lo’s Vicci Martinez, Team Adam’s Javier Colon, Team Blake’s Dia Frampton, and Team Christina’s Beverly McClellan. To anyone who watched last night’s performances — let alone the iTunes singles chart — these results are about as shocking as Christina wearing a boob-bearing top, Blake waxing rhapsodic about Xenia, Cee Lo saying something lascivious and ludicrous, and Adam not recognizing a popular song… which is to say, not very shocking at all.
Even so, Carson and co. managed to draw the results out for a full hour. That’s even more impressive when you consider that the show was preempted for 15 minutes by a special address from President Obama. Intending to watch a reality singing competition, then accidentally learning more about the situation in Afghanistan — what could be more American than that?
When The Voice‘s first-ever results episode did actually get rolling, it began with a group mash-up number that wove together two George Michael jams: “Freedom ’90” and “Faith.” Take note: According to how much the audience hooted when each vocalist sang their first solo lines, Dia and Javier are the fan favorites to beat (as if you didn’t know that already). The top eight sounded totally fine, but this performance was a lot less dynamic than most Voice performances — although I suppose there were pyrotechnics, which go a long way toward making even the most staid presentation less dull. Just think how fabulous “Price Tag” might have been if Nakia’s fiyah-wielding baton-twirlers had been swirling behind Xenia!
Throughout the rest of the show, three out of four judges revealed that they were unwilling to make a simple decision regarding which of their remaining teammates had performed best the previous evening. Each coach was asked to divide 100 points among his or her two contestants; those points would be added to scores calculated by tallying how many votes each artist received from Voice viewers. Christina and Blake both totally copped out by giving each of their team members identical scores of 50 points apiece; Cee Lo, by contrast, showed a tiny speck of an opinion by electing to give Nakia 51 points, vs. 49 points for Vicci. Again and again, we were told that even though only four would be moving on, there were no real losers in the Voice Box this evening. Maybe this show is actually executive produced by Syndrome. After all, if everyone’s special, then nobody is.
Only Adam dared to imply that he actually preferred one of his singers over the other. He awarded Casey 35 points and Javier 65, then clarified his reasoning thus: “It’s really easy to explain… This does not reflect you guys as artist as or performers.” Because heaven forbid the scores reflect a judgment on anyone as an artist or a performer! Adam went on to explain that he divvied things up the way he did because he “had” to advance Javier; Maroon 5’s frontman evidently realized he wouldn’t have a prayer in the finale if his team were represented by Casey. When America’s votes were counted, though, it became evident that there had been no contest between the two; Adam’s “help” only secured Javier an even more decisive victory. Tough break, Goaty Locks.
NEXT: The poetic stylings of Cee Lo Green