At some point in season 7, we may eventually get an episode or two without hearing about Elena being stuck in a coffin — but we’re not there yet. That wound is, in fact, reopened this episode when we find out that Lily was the one who gave Kai the idea to tie Elena’s life to Bonnie’s. No one is happy about that, so an all-out war is called on Team Heretics. But before we talk about how we get there, let’s take a trip to the future.
In our weekly three-years-ahead flash-forward, we finally see where Bonnie is…well, kind of. It looks like some type of mental institution. She’s at a group session sharing how she made a mistake and lost someone she loved, but she’d do anything to take it back. Who could that be? The only person we haven’t seen in the future is Matt, right?
But then things get even weirder. Enzo is waiting in her room when she gets back from group. She asks what he’s doing there. Enzo says, “Things are bad out there, love.” Hmm. Then they make out. Wait, what!? I won’t lie to you, TVD fans — I don’t hate this. I’m confused, yes, but I don’t hate it. I’m very interested to see how we get there from where we are now. Because Present Day Bonnie still very much hates Enzo.
In our regular timeline, Bonnie is focused on figuring out how the Phoenix Stone works. It probably would have been a good thing to investigate before using it to bring two people back to life, but she and her friends were a little short on time. Alaric tells her not to worry about it, that Jo is fine. But that is clearly not the case — both she and Oscar are starving (Jo for Thai food, Oscar for blood) and have no memories. Alaric is walking Jo through their life together, and she very sweetly takes it all in. Lily & The Heretics (great band-name idea) try to do the same with Oscar, but he just sits there and occasionally has rage outbursts.
Everyone should be a little more worried about these zombies they just created (iZombie/TVD crossover idea!), but instead everyone is focused on Julian. Lily tells Enzo that Julian is about to come home, which he relays to Valerie. She’s not eager, but definitely willing, to help when Damon and Stefan corner her and ask to go find Julian with her. The drive down to Myrtle Beach to get him, which gives Valerie and Stefan the perfect time to catch up. And don’t worry Caroline is totes kewl with it and tells Bonnie this is just an opportunity for him to “clear away all the 19th-century drama.” Riiiiight.
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So while Damon tells Valerie every little word that his little brother wrote (and Damon memorized) in his diary about her breaking Stefan’s heart, she tells them about how awful Julian is. She says he once massacred a whole coastline, but Damon says that’s just run-of-the-mill vampirism. We know the real reason, and we know it’s understandable why she wants to set the guy on fire. So she’s going to do exactly that once they finally find his body — yes, as well all suspected and Damon and Stefan are just learning: Julian is dead.
Valerie tells the Salvatore brothers that’s the reason Lily needs the Phoenix Stone. Oh, and surprise! It’s not a stone to bring people back to life; it’s a stone that stores vampire souls. Which means that whoever’s hanging out in Jo and Oscar’s bodies are definitely not Jo and Oscar.
NEXT: Never piss off a heretic[pagebreak]
Meanwhile, Bonnie heads to the boarding house to figure out what’s going on with Zombie No. 1. Enzo is trying to keep him from eating the maid. When Bonnie asks him about Myrtle Beach, Oscar is confused. All he remembers is Bonnie getting him “out of there,” he says as he points to the Phoenix stone.
And right around that time is when Damon calls Bon-Bon so she can do the dirty work of telling Alaric. And right around that time is when Fake Oscar realizes Real Oscar’s body has witch powers. As Bonnie and Enzo flee from him, she drops the stone only for her future love (?) to pick it up and keep it. Things are getting dicey with Oscar, so she makes a run for it. And Enzo stays behind and kills Fake Oscar.
At the world’s largest coffin-storage warehouse, Valerie is trying to kill Julian, but it doesn’t take. And before you can say “incendia” (again), Mary Louise, Nora, Beau, and Lily arrive. The gang’s all here! Valerie tries to tell Lily that she was doing this because Julian is bad news; Lily just says that he’s the love of her life, and she won’t hear it. In a rage, Valerie spits out that Lily was the one who gave Kai the idea for the Elena “Sleeping Beauty spell.”
Oh, shit. Are you ready for this epic fight? Oh, wait. Just kidding. Beau’s a badass and just shatters EVERY COFFIN IN THE ENTIRE WAREHOUSE WITH A FLICK OF HIS HANDS. Stefan, Damon, and Valerie are left in the wreckage, and the heretic train leaves the station with Julian in tow.
Stefan finds Valerie, and as he picks out the world’s largest splinters from her body, she tells him the truth about Julian: that he killed her and their unborn baby. She tells him the whole story that we got a couple episodes back. Stefan is obviously shocked, and hurt, and confused. He answers an un-asked question: Yes, he would have wanted a child. And Valerie and Stefan most definitely have strengthened their connection. (Caroline, who had nothing to do this episode except makeup college tests — LOL — and who got stood up on her date with Stefan, is not going to be happy about this. Maybe this is the start of why she has a new fiancé in the future?)
Damon is so outraged to hear about Lily’s part in Elena’s coffin-ing that he wants to kill her. But once he finds out that Enzo has the Phoenix Stone, which of course he hands over to Lily without question, Damon hopes that Lily brings Julian back. He wants his mother to see the man she’s missed for 100 years and to be able to hold him — so that when Damon rips off Julian’s head in front of her, he’ll be breaking her heart, as well. “I want to destroy her,” he says. Nothing like a Salvatore family bond, amirite?
But it’s not all sad endings: Bonnie calls Ric to tell him the truth about Jo (kind of a cop-out, but she had been drinking). He doesn’t want to accept it at first, but when he finds New Jo on the street — she had run away from the house with a gun in hand when she remembered a different death than the one Ric described — he knows it’s true. And she does, too. But because Ric is the best person in this whole messed-up world, he tells her that he’ll help her and she’s not alone. And they walk off holding hands. Let’s get a shipper name for this couple, stat.
I’m sure you have lots of questions — as do I — and a few of those can be answered by this week’s Julie’s Diary, the showrunner’s blog, exclusively on EW. And for the ones not answered, let’s chat below or on Twitter @realdalener.