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The Vampire Diaries recap: I'd Leave My Happy Home for You

Elena makes a decision about the cure, Stefan deals with Ripper Lily, and Jo can’t stop eating.

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Wilford Harewood/The CW

The Vampire Diaries

TV Show
run date:
Nina Dobrev, Ian Somerhalder, Paul Wesley
The CW

At this point, it’s safe to say that Lily Salvatore is sort of the worst mom ever. She snaps Damon’s neck, she refuses to say “I love you” to Stefan, and let’s face it: She’s just plain mean at times. Really, did you just call Stefan “sad and alone”? Because I think he has a lot of people in his life who love him. Take your judgment elsewhere, Ripper!

Sorry, now that my rant has ended, let’s get into the episode, shall we?

We start at Whitmore, where Alaric is grading papers in the dark. Yes, he apparently still has a job. As does Jo. But when Alaric gets a hood put over his head and a cop comes to visit Jo, I start to panic. And then the cop starts stripping. And then Damon removes the hood. Let the bachelor/bachelorette parties begin!

Here’s how they compare:

Alaric’s Bachelor Party:

Pros: Booze, an entire house full of women, and a pretty successful turnout from the guys in town. (First person to tweet me a GIF of the guys removing the hood and screaming wins!)

Cons: It’s kind of just like a normal party, and everyone looks really young. Plus, nobody’s focusing on Ric.

Jo’s Bachelorette Party:

Pros: Stripper, dancing, and an entire diner’s worth of food. Plus, party hats.

Cons: Only three attendees—no offense to Bonnie and Elena—not to mention that it gets broken up in a rather violent way.

But we’ll get there in a second. First, Bonnie and Elena have to talk about the elephant in the room. (And no, I’m not being offensive to the pregnant woman.) I’m talking about the cure. Apparently, when Damon did the vampire equivalent of proposing to Elena the other night, she bolted, and he immediately called Bonnie to talk about it. So where’s Elena’s head? Well, let’s just say that if she were Facebook official with the cure, her relationship status would read: It’s complicated.

Meanwhile, Ric informs Damon that he needs to tell his brother of 166 years about the cure. But instead, Damon keeps drinking … as does Matt, who’s quickly turning into the angriest/most depressing character on the show. Just generally hating his life and everyone he’s ever loved who’s a supernatural being, Matt steals the good booze from the back of the cabinet and gets hammered.

Enzo, on the other hand, is having trouble getting drunk, mostly because he chooses a Jell-O shot as his drink of choice. And in an all-too-real moment on the show, he can’t figure out how to get it out of the shot glass. Vampires: They’re just like us!

Upstairs, Stefan leaves Caroline a voicemail updating her and asking her to come home. But when Enzo shows up and asks for Stefan’s help with Lily, Stefan puts the bachelor party on hold to stop Lily from feeding on everyone at the Grill.

Within moments of their Ripper-to-Ripper chat, we learn that Stefan knows the truth about Lily’s “web of lies” that helped him flip his switch. He then finds out about Lily turning Enzo, information that he relays to Damon, who’d rather Stefan lock her up and rejoin the party. But instead, Stefan decides to swap strippers for a ripper and help his mom … because he’s Stefan and he still believes that deep down, she loves him.

And in a heartbreaking moment for Stefan, she gives him a speech that is eerily similar to the one Elena gave him after she became a vampire: Something along the lines of “the woman who love you died.” Really? Can these women stop doing this to our Stefan?!

But just as Stefan’s about to knock her out with vervain, Lily stabs him first, eats a waitress, and leaves. Yep, he should’ve stuck with the strippers.

At the party, Matt continues to have a miserable time as he yells at Tyler for “raging out” on a detective in their deputy training program. But Tyler points out the obvious: He can’t become a cop and risk having to shoot and kill someone. Not unless he wants to become a werewolf again, which he really, really doesn’t.

With that, Matt storms off to spread his misery elsewhere. He heads outside (With a $1,000 bottle of bourbon? Yeah, Damon’s going to actually kill you.) and talks to Ric. Human to human, Matt tells Ric that he’s a dick if he’s planning on bringing a child into this world, where all their friends are killers. His advice? Leave town.

Speaking of a human life, it seems Ric told Enzo all about the cure. As Enzo puts it, Damon is actually considering hanging up his fangs for a pair of khakis. But even Enzo knows that Damon doesn’t want to be human. Nobody changes that much, not even under the magical influence of Elena Gilbert.

NEXT: Someone takes the cure