At this point, it’s safe to say that Lily Salvatore is sort of the worst mom ever. She snaps Damon’s neck, she refuses to say “I love you” to Stefan, and let’s face it: She’s just plain mean at times. Really, did you just call Stefan “sad and alone”? Because I think he has a lot of people in his life who love him. Take your judgment elsewhere, Ripper!
Sorry, now that my rant has ended, let’s get into the episode, shall we?
We start at Whitmore, where Alaric is grading papers in the dark. Yes, he apparently still has a job. As does Jo. But when Alaric gets a hood put over his head and a cop comes to visit Jo, I start to panic. And then the cop starts stripping. And then Damon removes the hood. Let the bachelor/bachelorette parties begin!
Here’s how they compare:
Alaric’s Bachelor Party:
Pros: Booze, an entire house full of women, and a pretty successful turnout from the guys in town. (First person to tweet me a GIF of the guys removing the hood and screaming wins!)
Cons: It’s kind of just like a normal party, and everyone looks really young. Plus, nobody’s focusing on Ric.
Jo’s Bachelorette Party:
Pros: Stripper, dancing, and an entire diner’s worth of food. Plus, party hats.
Cons: Only three attendees—no offense to Bonnie and Elena—not to mention that it gets broken up in a rather violent way.
But we’ll get there in a second. First, Bonnie and Elena have to talk about the elephant in the room. (And no, I’m not being offensive to the pregnant woman.) I’m talking about the cure. Apparently, when Damon did the vampire equivalent of proposing to Elena the other night, she bolted, and he immediately called Bonnie to talk about it. So where’s Elena’s head? Well, let’s just say that if she were Facebook official with the cure, her relationship status would read: It’s complicated.
Meanwhile, Ric informs Damon that he needs to tell his brother of 166 years about the cure. But instead, Damon keeps drinking … as does Matt, who’s quickly turning into the angriest/most depressing character on the show. Just generally hating his life and everyone he’s ever loved who’s a supernatural being, Matt steals the good booze from the back of the cabinet and gets hammered.
Enzo, on the other hand, is having trouble getting drunk, mostly because he chooses a Jell-O shot as his drink of choice. And in an all-too-real moment on the show, he can’t figure out how to get it out of the shot glass. Vampires: They’re just like us!
Upstairs, Stefan leaves Caroline a voicemail updating her and asking her to come home. But when Enzo shows up and asks for Stefan’s help with Lily, Stefan puts the bachelor party on hold to stop Lily from feeding on everyone at the Grill.
Within moments of their Ripper-to-Ripper chat, we learn that Stefan knows the truth about Lily’s “web of lies” that helped him flip his switch. He then finds out about Lily turning Enzo, information that he relays to Damon, who’d rather Stefan lock her up and rejoin the party. But instead, Stefan decides to swap strippers for a ripper and help his mom … because he’s Stefan and he still believes that deep down, she loves him.
And in a heartbreaking moment for Stefan, she gives him a speech that is eerily similar to the one Elena gave him after she became a vampire: Something along the lines of “the woman who love you died.” Really? Can these women stop doing this to our Stefan?!
But just as Stefan’s about to knock her out with vervain, Lily stabs him first, eats a waitress, and leaves. Yep, he should’ve stuck with the strippers.
At the party, Matt continues to have a miserable time as he yells at Tyler for “raging out” on a detective in their deputy training program. But Tyler points out the obvious: He can’t become a cop and risk having to shoot and kill someone. Not unless he wants to become a werewolf again, which he really, really doesn’t.
With that, Matt storms off to spread his misery elsewhere. He heads outside (With a $1,000 bottle of bourbon? Yeah, Damon’s going to actually kill you.) and talks to Ric. Human to human, Matt tells Ric that he’s a dick if he’s planning on bringing a child into this world, where all their friends are killers. His advice? Leave town.
Speaking of a human life, it seems Ric told Enzo all about the cure. As Enzo puts it, Damon is actually considering hanging up his fangs for a pair of khakis. But even Enzo knows that Damon doesn’t want to be human. Nobody changes that much, not even under the magical influence of Elena Gilbert.
NEXT: Someone takes the cure
So while the boys generally suck at partying, Bonnie is busy dancing by herself at an empty diner while Jo continues to stuff her face. Jo then gets in on the cure conversation, asking if Elena will miss the perks. But Bonnie cuts to the chase: Elena’s worried that as a human she won’t love Damon anymore. Jo’s take: being supernatural doesn’t change who you are. (Yeah, tell that to season 3 Elena.)
Just then, Damon texts Elena and asks to meet. Sorry Jo and Ric! This night isn’t actually about you at all!
Sitting up on the clock tower in the town square, Elena enjoys the biggest perk of being a vampire: eating trans fats and not gaining a pound. Finally talking about the cure, Damon decides he wants to show Elena something. So much like Katherine did before them, Elena and Damon jump off the clock tower. (Who else flashed back to Stefan jumping off the roof in the pilot?)
Walking down the street, Damon and Elena discuss their favorite thing about vampirism. Her’s is healing people. His? The speed, the feed, everything being heightened, and “eternally looking great in a black leather jacket’s not the worst thing either.” And, of course, he loves getting in people’s heads.
Just then, he gets into Elena’s and takes us back to the porch that was home to so many great TVD moments. Elena points out that this is only a fantasy, which prompts Damon to tell her that he’s had enough fantasy for 100 lifetimes. He loves Elena and is ready for a little reality if she is. Pulling out the cure—he wasn’t going to leave it in the soap dish!—he hands it to Elena. And she takes it!! (Damon really shouldn’t ever say “till death do us part” in Mystic Falls.)
While Elena’s passed out, let’s catch up with Stefan, who had to compel the entire restaurant after Lily ran off. By the time Enzo shows up, he sticks around just long enough to tell Stefan about the cure, drop the mic, and leave.
Meanwhile, Lily shows up to Jo’s bachelorette without RSVPing—rude—when she sees Bonnie, a.k.a. the woman who ruined the Ascendant and therefore Lily’s life. Bonnie gives Lily a witchy migraine, but Lily retaliates by sticking something sharp—the pen diner’s use for receipts?—into Bonnie’s neck. Then, Lily nearly feeds on Jo before Jo screams that she’s pregnant. Real twist: She’s pregnant with twins! (Thank goodness Kai is in a prison world right about now.)
When Elena wakes up, she realizes that she’s getting her memories back. She remembers all of her firsts with Damon: first kiss, dance, makeout, date, etc. And when she pricks her finger and it doesn’t heal, she kisses Damon like the overjoyed human she is. The bad news? Lily shows up, snaps Damon’s neck, and tries to feed on Elena.
Thankfully, Elena’s still holding that pin—what is it with tonight and sharp objects?—and shoves it in Lily’s eye to run away. She then uses the tunnel entrance at the Grill to get away.
With Elena safe, Stefan finds Damon and asks why he didn’t tell him about the cure, other than Damon just being his “normal, dickish self.” Stefan thinks that being a human is the last thing that Damon wants, but Damon says he wants to be with Elena. The real heartbreaking moment, however, comes when Stefan reveals why he’s really upset: Was he not going to have a say in whether he loses his brother? #TeamSalvatore
Brief pause: Brother bonding has to wait until after Mission: Rescue our Ripper Mother is complete. Back at the Grill, Stefan finds his mother, where she calls him sad and alone (and it pisses me off). Then, she nearly stakes herself and nearly stakes Stefan—seriously, worst mom ever—before Damon knocks her out. Welcome to the Salvatore cell, Mama S. It’s sort of a rite of passage to be here, so try to enjoy your stay.
Oh wait, one more reason she’s a bad mom: Despite Stefan telling her that the beauty of eternity is that it’s never too late to win her back and maybe have her consider him a son again, she tells him that he has no idea what devastation is … but he will. She’s going to bring her people back no matter what. Really, a threat? At this point, she’s making Matt’s mom look like a gem.
Also at the Salvatore house, Elena tells Damon that she remembers everything, which should be a good thing. But she remembers the talk that she and Damon had on the island, when he told her that being a human would be the most miserable thing and that he didn’t want it. She tells him that he needs more time to think it through, and she can’t let him take the cure until then. (And also because it’ll age him à la Katherine, right?)
Finally, Jo tells Ric about the twins and how the Geminis will come after them in order to have the twins merge and strip Kai of his power. And in that moment, Ric decides to take Matt’s advice. He and Jo are going to disappear somewhere that her family can’t find them. But wait, how many people am I losing this season?!
Put that thought on hold, because it seems that Kai and Lily’s “family” are currently enjoying their last supper before returning to present day. I don’t know how they’re going to do it, but I do know that the prison world does wonders for the skin. And one of those wampires must be a great barber, because Kai is looking freaking fantastic.
So here we go: Everything is set up for an action-packed ending. At this point, how do you all think Elena’s going to leave? Might she hit the road with Ric and Jo and the twins?
And be sure to check back to EW.com tomorrow morning for Annie Wersching’s blog on the hour (complete with behind-the-scenes photos). UPDATE: Wersching’s blog is now live!