If after a long week you found yourself craving a dose of dirty drama, then tonight’s episode of The Royals definitely delivered, touching on everything from romance to revenge in a sexy, salacious way that only this fictional first family can do. Let’s get this recap started, shall we?
At the open of “What, Has This Thing Appear’d Again Tonight?” we see post-surgery Cyrus, woken up after a night of fitful sleep. He looks like hell — puffy eyes, five o’clock shadow. Despite his deepest fears of being alone and unloved, he had company all night, since his servant Violet pulled an all-nighter to stay by his side. (She totally has the hots for him.) She even made him pomegranate juice! As always though, King Cyrus prefers bourbon.
He soon gets distracted by a nearby TV, where Helena is seen unveiling King Simon’s monument to thunderous applause. Naturally, this doesn’t sit well with Cyrus. His insecurities go for a deep dive when he returns to the doctor for a follow up, where he receives the news that his cancer has metastasized. Naturally, he needs an outlet for his anger, so Cyrus decides to announce that he’s putting a stop to Helena’s monument to King Simon, saying that as a unifying gesture between the anti-monarchists and supporters of the kingdom, he’s declaring “the unveiling of this monument hereby canceled.” As one might expect, Helena doesn’t take the news well, and she confronts Cyrus about it. “I told you, I don’t give a s— about your reign,” she screams. “We both know you won’t be around long anyway.” There’s the Helena we know and love!
Meanwhile, Eleanor is awake and hungry, both emotionally and physically. That being the case, her new security guard James brings her some hot tea (what, no toast?) and some advice. “Most of the time if you’re aware of the problem, you can fix the problem. You say you’re a mess, so maybe take some time to pick up the mess.” He suggests eliminating either men or drugs, so naturally, Eleanor picks this as the time to go on a #guyatus. She embarks on some serious girl-on-girl bonding with her new friend Mandy. Dressed in coordinating black outfits — you know, ‘cause that’s what besties do — they hit up the natural history museum and later, some public steps and the shops before heading to her rooms at the palace.
“If I had known I could have that much fun, I would have ditched the guys ages ago,” Eleanor says. At this, Mandy leans over for a kiss – and while Eleanor isn’t into it at first, she shares, “I feel like you’re going to be important to me.”
As Eleanor embarks on her #guyatus, Liam and Jasper— bros 4-ever! — recruit Ted Pryce to look into the matter of the mysterious pendant the prince found in his possession after he was kidnapped. “I’ll look into it,” Pryce says. “I’ll let you know if I find anything.” As Royal head of security, Pryce’s snooping skills are, naturally, on point. He finds himself at Domino’s headquarters. (I think? It looks like a lair and the Domino insignia is seen on the floor.) This is where things get deliciously messy: We learn via a flashback that Pryce’s wife actually died by bullets meant for King Simon and a dark figure emerges from the shadows to drop some perspective on the king’s death.
“It was you, wasn’t it?” our mysterious new character asks. “You killed Simon.” Pryce denies it, but in a way, Mr. Mysterious is right, since King Simon’s murder occurred in a rare moment when Pryce let his guard down. But with suspicion being thrown his way, will he report his findings to Prince Liam? And is there a possibility that Pryce could become a Domino associate?
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Liam is oblivious to Pryce’s discovery, as he’s busy taking on the role of public hero. He’s been a favorite of the people for a while, and when he decides to take matters into his own hands and unveil his father’s monument, they go absolutely wild.
“Remember the man whose legacy was etched in that glass,” shouts Liam from the stage. “And remember how much he believed in all of us. If you don’t believe in the monarchy, if you don’t support it, it’s fine. Some days I don’t support it either. But consider the man, and ask yourself if he’s worthy of being remembered… as someone who believed in the great Great Britain.”
Then in a move that proves that Liam might have more balls than Cyrus was born with, our young prince goes off to find his uncle, to give him a piece of his mind. “No matter what you do, no matter who you think you’ve become, it will never be enough.” Them’s fighting words, and Cyrus knows it.
NEXT: Enough with the fake names, already! [pagebreak]
Though Helena has chosen to align herself with Cyrus since Simon’s death, the matter of the monument and Liam’s ensuing actions brings her and the twins together in a rather touching scene. (Well, if we’re being honest, it was the search for pot that brought them all together.)
With a hit of their found loot, Helena puts her pride aside and reveals she’s proud of Liam. “The people are inspired, and no one in our family’s done that since your father died.” With another relaxing puff, Helena offers this bit of reflection: “You both have Simon’s tenacity and his strength. He was right, you know. The only way to survive any of this is to choose love and to help each other.”
After all that talk of love, Len heads back to her bedroom and straight into Mandy’s arms. (Looks like someone conveniently decided not to go back to her place!) Normally the subject of Eleanor finding solace in someone’s arms wouldn’t be a bad thing, but when Mandy sneaks out of bed after the deed and finds herself face-to-face with Jasper, we learn this leggy blonde isn’t all she seems. It appears Jasper knows her and is startled to see her pop up at the palace.
“What are you doing here, Samantha?” he asks, not at all nicely. Wait, so Mandy isn’t her real name? She responds by giving him a huge kiss. “Finishing what we started, baby.” OMG you guys! What is going on here?
Cyrus is nowhere to be seen during this exchange, because he’s left the palace on an alcohol-fueled rage. What’s a man to do when he’s down in the dumps? If you’re a frustrated king who hates his beloved late brother, it turns out that you drive your fancy expensive car straight into a monument dedicated to his memory. At the scene — where the glass monument breaks into thousands of tiny pieces — Cyrus gets out of his car and begins to drunkenly tell off a bunch of shocked civilians.
“You don’t like me, so be it,” he snarls. “You don’t have to. But guess what, I don’t have to like you either.” Mic drop – or rather, bottle drop. In his words, “Boom.”
Another shocker of sorts? Helena’s feeling lovey-dovey after her bonding time with the twins, and she asks Lucius to deliver a letter to Alistair Lacey. After swearing off their affair last season, she wants to see him. “I told my children to choose love,” she tells Lucius. “It’s about time I did as well.” Um, there’s just one problem: She has no idea Lucius had her boo murdered. Will she learn the truth about her lover — or will Lucius keep his dirty secret under wraps?
Liz’s best lines:
“I’d offer you some tea, but I don’t care to.”
“You’re a cancerous dead king walking.”
“Stop being such a princess. Didn’t your mother teach you to share?”
“For God’s sake, give me the pot.”
Real-life royal reference score: 1 (Maribel went all out on a head-to-toe surgery, with a new face “Kate Upton’s breasts” and “Kate Beckinsale’s ass.” Though a real royal might not be able to get away with that kind of makeover, it definitely takes a royal coffer to play for such top-notch surgery.)