And you thought after last week The River was going to keep you hanging about the fate of Emmet Cole, right? Hanging like Jonas from a Boiuna vine. Well, didn’t you think wrong? “The Experiment” probably could have been the season ender, since it not only revealed Emmet’s fate but reunited him with Tess and Lincoln. And in spectacularly badass fashion, I might add. I mean, what’s more badass than a reality TV star holing himself up inside a makeshift chrysalis for six months only to emerge to blow away a zombie with a shotgun? Sitch, my main man, forget about the GTL shtick. Let’s see if you can do that. And have abs like Bruce Greenwood’s when you’re his age.
The episode opened to a flashback seven months ago, when Lincoln Cole first received the phone call from his mom telling him that Daddy Emmet had gone missing up the Boiuna. Lincoln was all like, “Come on, Dad’s just a glorified Jack Hanna, what could possibly have happened to him?” And Tess was like, “Um…you never heard of Steve Irwin’s little run-in with a stingray? TV wildlife experts are totally vulnerable!” Anyway, that’s how I imagine that conversation going down, but of course there’s really no room for imagination here since Lincoln’s frisky, bored-by-genetics girlfriend decided to record the whole thing on her cell phone.
Cut back to the present: The research base where the Magus crew knows Emmet was taken has been abandoned. Either some terrible jungle threat raided the compound and drove everyone away. Or these were drug runners who packed up shop. Or the world ended while the Magus went up the Boiuna, meaning that now they’re the only survivors. Which, I’m not gonna lie, I hoped was the case. It could mean a season two title change from The River to Up S— Creek. None of the above, I’m afraid. But something happened. Those cars hadn’t been used in months. And for the first time, Clark was really scared. He turned to Tess and told her that no one would blame her for wanting to turn back. But it was really him who wanted to turn back.
Kurt went off and used his satphone to call a woman named Hanna. But no response. It may not have been the German he was looking for, but all of a sudden Kurt, and everyone else, heard the plaintive German refrain of a Kurt Weill-ish song blasting out of the facility. Someone was in there! Time to go inside.
NEXT: Um, is this the same hospital Rick on The Walking Dead wakes up in to discover that world has ended?