Last season of the RHOC was like a multi-episode arc of House as the ladies desperately tried to solve the mystery of whatever ailment Vicki Gunvalson’s long time hustler of a boyfriend Brooks was suffering from. Whatever it was, they know it was not cancer as he claimed. And these women — whose medical expertise likely comes from diagnosing their friends on WebMD — were adamant that they had all the evidence they needed to prove that Brooks lied about everything. Who could forget those calls to Newport Imaging, fake medical records, and conflicting stories from Vicki? All of which made Vicki an outcast and caused her to sever ties with basically everyone. Vicki even said she felt like she was being “nailed to the cross” in the women’s quest for the truth (ironically this was said as Tamra Judge got baptized). Now, can I just interject to say that you have to give these ladies credit — they are the OGs of Bravo in every way possible! Not just the first housewives but also the first to create the dramatic, line in the sand drawing, “are they really sick?” story line that is now all the rage. Brooks and Cancer-gate paved the way for Yolanda Foster and Munchausen-gate on RHOBH and the skepticism over Gigi’s chemo treatments for her rheumatoid arthritis on Shahs of Sunset. Suddenly every Bravolebrity has a medical degree!
But back to present day OC and the start of season 11: Have the ladies even seen Vicki since Cancer-gate was busted wide open? Is Brooks still performing those Jedi mind tricks to make her believe he’s good and her friends are from the dark side? Well, first we open with an awesome, ’80s style split-screen to peep into what Tamra Judge, Heather Dubrow, Shannon Beador, and Meghan Edmonds are up to.
Shannon is playing a pick-up game of basketball with her family — in her indoor home court in her house that she deems way too big. The Beadors are downsizing in the near future because their giant mansion is too much. They’re not moving because the bank is making them — Shannon wants to be clear on that. Her family of five does not need so much space even though they want to add a dog to the mix. I understand, I often sleep in the closet of my two-bedroom apartment to feel snugger in my surroundings. Who needs tons of space when you can store books in your oven and use your shower rod as extra closet space? But really, I think Shannon just wants to be able to see what her husband is doing at any given moment. Yes, they’re in a great place with the two-year mark of David’s affair creeping up on them. This is monumental because the therapist told them it takes two years to get over an affair. So sure, just like mono or the flu, they’re almost cured of infidelity. But I have a hunch that living in a house where they could go for days without seeing each other may not be ideal at this point in their marriage.
Heather “Fancy Pants” Dubrow is in the midst of a very important parenting lesson. Moms, are you listening? It’s never too early to teach the virtues of giving your hostess a gift, preferably champs. Let the mommy shaming begin for those of you who have neglected to have the “talk” with your elementary school aged kids about this important life skill! Otherwise, not a whole lot else has changed. Her husband Terry is still never home and Hotel Dubrow (seriously that mansion is bigger than most resorts) is still not finished. Taking bets now on which will be ready first: the Sagrada Família or Hotel Dubrow?
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Meghan and Jimmy are finally in a new house that none of Jimmy’s ex-wives ever lived in. She’s about to start IVF due to the fact that Jimmy already has four kids and had a vasectomy. She’s tripping over the fact that you need to start the IVF treatment on the second day of your period and that is the exact day they went to the doctor to get started. Jimmy, however, already has a new baby that’s clearly taken up space in his heart and mind: They’ve gone into the candle-making business, and Jimmy is making the candles himself! Let’s take a moment to welcome the latest Real Housewives business venture to the market.
Tamra’s relationship with G-d is better than ever since her baptism — and her sex life is on point because of it. She calls out to G-d like 20 times a night! Her husband Eddie really is a lucky man because beyond the divine sex, Tamra has never looked better. She’s working out hard at the gym with a trainer who cheers her on with motivational mantras like, “the back is the new butt.” So, here’s the thing — Tamra is actually on a mission to fight the war against menopause by getting into the best shape of her life. Seriously, let’s put Tamra on the war on terror or gun control because she’s a warrior who won’t back down. She’s even going to be in a fitness competition that basically looks like a beauty pageant with six packs and dumbbells.
NEXT: What has become of Vicki post Cancer-gate?