I have to be honest, it’s taken me a bit to process what happened on tonight’s episode because an unspoken law in Housewives land was shattered. And, of course, it had to happen while the women were whooping it up on vacation in Ireland — so I’m not sure if rule breaker Kelly thought that meant things don’t count on international soil?
The law? Children are off limits. Doesn’t matter what they’ve done — even if it’s made national news headlines — every city of the Real Housewives has signed a silent treaty that as pissed off as they get at one another, as desperate as they are to take each other down — you never do it by using the kids. You just don’t. And if you do, it’s near impossible to recover as I think Kelly just learned the hard way.
This was an episode where nothing happened yet everything changed. On paper, the purpose of this fabulous Irish vacation is so Meghan can trace her Irish ancestry before her baby is born. In reality it’s so Kelly can escape Michael, Vicki can whoop it up with the girls like she did pre-Cancer-gate, Shannon can bust out her finest leprechaun-inspired couture, Tamra can use the luck of the Irish to stir the pot, and Heather can find new ways to take situations that have zero to do with her and you guessed it, make it all about her.
Things are fine when the girls arrive in Ireland. Vicki has flowers waiting from her new beau/cop Steve with a note that says “I LOVE YOU!” On one hand, I’m so happy that Vicki has moved on from Brooks. On the other it almost feels like she’s so desperate to be loved (and find redemption) that she’s moving things along at lightning speed to prove Brooks is history. Everyone is surprised, but no one is really shocked — this is Vicki. She needs love the same way that Kelly needs her blood alcohol levels. Ireland really isn’t the best place for a woman who has a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde like transformation with a sip of alcohol as we are about to find out.
The ladies (minus Meghan, who’s meeting with a genealogist) go on a pub crawl, and everyone is getting along. Vicki is force feeding Tamra shots even though she’s been told by her fitness/Jesus guru not to drink with her competition so close. Vicki and Shannon are whooping it up together like they never had any weirdness about whether or not they are actually friends. And Kelly just gets more immature with every sip of alcohol she takes. The ladies do not like being hit on the nose by drunk Kelly — especially Vicki — so accidentally drunk Tamra angrily tells her to stop because that’s what you do for your besties, which apparently is Vicki and Tamra’s current status. Well, Kelly does not like being scolded by Tamra and all I can say is evil, drunk Kelly explodes into a rage of anger that doesn’t even make sense. And after Kelly screams at Tamra to walk away, she gets her senses back for a moment and tries to deflect the situation onto everyone else: Why are they so mad? Why can’t they take a joke? Why is everyone so sensitive?
Oddly, Shannon tries to talk Kelly back down to reality. Shannon and Kelly have not had an easy road, and Vicki is the one who has insisted on standing by Kelly’s side. But now that Tamra has let Vicki back in and their “whoop it up” status has doubled, suddenly Vicki is MIA. Kelly spirals. Grasping for ways to come back from this latest drunken outburst, she decides it’s Heather’s fault for not finding her nose swatting funny. After all, Heather is Jewish and therefore supposed to be sarcastic and GET JOKES. As a card-carrying Jew, I apologize on behalf of Jews everywhere that Heather did not see the humor or sarcasm in Kelly’s dumb, annoying, and immature nose-swatting spree. (Please note my Jewish sarcasm is meant to be read in that sentence!)
Kelly is now sure that everyone is ganging up on her, so she tries to get everyone to gang up on Tamra instead. Kelly screams that anything she tells Tamra in confidence becomes common knowledge among the group. Kelly should know better than to poke the bear. Tamra announces that she does keep Kelly’s secrets — like how she never told Heather that Kelly had a real estate agent find out how much the Dubrows owe on their lot. Except, oops, she just did. I’m not even sure I understand what having this information was going to do for Kelly. I can only assume she wanted to see if the Dubrows were as rich as they look (they are Kelly, just leave it alone, they’re building a porte cochere). But, as Tamra puts this “secret” out there, Vicki walks away so she isn’t blamed for anything and ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.
NEXT: Kelly should be tried and convicted for her blatant breaking of Housewives law