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'Judgy Eyes and Tahitian Skies'

Meghan struggles to parent, Shannon struggles over David’s affair, and Heather struggles to spend more money. Spoiler alert: Heather succeeds.

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The Real Housewives of Orange County

TV Show
Reality TV
run date:
Current Status:
In Season

Props to whoever named this episode. While it’s perfect for the episode, it also sounds like an ’80s synth pop double bill, which makes me love it even more. Down to business. Meghan “#ZOMGParentingIsHARD” Edwards and step-daughter Hayley are setting up for Meghan’s game night, though Hayley won’t stick around. “I have better plans,” the teen sneers. “You always say that, then want to go out at 11 o’clock,” Meghan says. Wait, out where? To a bar? Where is this child going at 11 p.m. on school nights?? After the homework debacle that saw Meghan forced to use a calculator and her smart glasses, Meghan made some rules for the house: “guidelines to respect the home.” This ought to be good.

First up, “We will take turns going to the grocery store.” Well, this just sounds like Meghan’s lazy. Then Meggers whines about having to “do Hayley’s dirty work” of turning off the pool heater. I used to install pools and heaters—you literally flip a switch to turn off the heater. Unsure where the “dirty work” comes in here. Lastly, Hayley’s curfew will be midnight, which causes Hayley to make a face as though someone just served her a plate of vomit for dinner. How dare you cage this social butterfly, Megs. Let her fly free. Hayley announces she will wait for Jim Edmonds to come back to get these absurd “guidelines” overturned. Smart.

Heather and Terry Dubrow are in the back of some limo when Heather asks to hear her favorite sound: a bottle of champers opening. Terry (and I) want to know what we’re celebrating. “Spending money?” he grins. No, the fact that they’re alone! Any time without the kids is like a mini-vacation, Heather explains. Okay, so where are you going? To upscale boutiques to buy expensive things… So Terry was right all along. I suspect Heather’s actual favorite sound is the swipe of her Black Amex card.

First stop is some clothing store where there are very few items so you know each item is, like, $2 million. Heather would like you to know she NEEDS this shopping excursion. You see, all Heather’s current free time is spent buying “wallpaper, flooring, tile, stone, and doorknobs” for their new universe home. “It’s all so boring, so I’m really happy to spend money on something other than the house!” To summarize: Spending money is so hard the only way to mitigate all the spending is to spend more money in different ways. Please pour out some of your methode champenoise in honor of Heather’s plight.

Terry and Heather have a quick back and forth where we learn that Terry thinks T-shirts should cost $50. Each. Heather laughs at this, saying Terry would hate the quality of a T-shirt that only costs $50. At this point, I shout “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HEATHER,” at my stack of Old Navy T-shirts in the corner.

It’s game night at the Edmonds’ household, which means that Meghan’s hired not one but two game night hosts. There’s also a slew of caterers and bartenders, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Meghan hired a coat check girl to stand in the closet. Lizzie from last season arrives first and inquires as to the whereabouts of everyone’s favorite jerkface, Jim Edmonds. Turns out when Meghan planned this night, Jim Edmonds said he could be there, but then Jim Edmonds probably thought about how annoying this would all be and said he had to be in St. Louis. So he ain’t coming. Bummer.

Everyone else files in, including Shannon Beador. Her first words? “Oh, you got a bar set up?! Nice!” Atta girl, Shan. Once properly vodka’d, Shannon and Lizzie from last season gossip in hushed whispers about Jim Edmonds’ absence and what that means to Meghan’s marriage. Shannon can’t get over that Meghan would host this night alone, but I can’t get over that she would stay married to David, so I guess incredulity is in the eye of the beholder.

Vicki Gunvalson and Brooks arrive, with Vicki telling him this will not be a long visit before the door has even shut. The hosts are setting up a newlywed-style game, but it’s taking too long for Vicki, who snores to show everyone this is all beneath her. We’re then treated to a montage of Vicki being a real a–hole to people by snoring while they’re trying to talk to her. Imagine if someone did that to Vicki? The ole “fun bus” would blow a gasket. Meghan and I agree for the first time about anything: “Vicki is classless and rude.”

The game starts and Shannon gets to say dated phrases, including, “make whoopie.” Out comes a softball question: Is your partner more or less romantic than a week after you got married? Anyone with half a brain cell knows the answer. You write down “more.” No matter what. Guess the only dolt who wrote “less.” If you said David “Can’t Keep It in His Pants” Beador, you win! “Are you serious?” asks Shannon. “I’m going to cry right now. So…thanks.” Yikes, David. Someone pick him up the CliffsNotes guide to Treating Women Like Human Beings.

Vicki’s still whining about wanting to go home. “I want my pajamas and my slippers and my blankie and I want to curl up and suck my thumb because I’m a big baby.” Well, some of that I added in for effect, but it’s not that far off. She trots out travel timetables of when she was where and honestly, Vicki, who the f— cares? If you go to someone’s event, you go. If you don’t want to be there, don’t go. To show up like a toddler who missed nap time is obnoxious. Where’s the “whoop it up” lady who likes to dance on bars? “It’s a work night,” Vicki snaps, and leaves. Bye, Felicia.

Meghan announces she’s going to get her first Botox treatment soon. A shocked Shannon asks us for a magnifying glass to find the singular wrinkle on Meghan’s face, then stares at Meghan as though she is a four-headed alien. Meghan: you will probably not find sympathy from 50-year-old women who would literally kill you and drink your youthful blood if they thought it would make themselves look younger.

Shannon claims to have partaken in Botox only a few times. Tamra Judge doesn’t believe this and demands Shannon move her brow before calling her a liar, though Shannon’s brow is pretty expressive so I dunno, Tamra. Meghan yips, “I’m going to look great!” drawing a prolonged, smoldering glare from Shannon. Accordingly, Meghan declares, “Shannon, you have judgy eyes.” Shannon’s taken aback, but her eyes get even more judgy. Shannon tells everyone she’s not judging, though moments ago, in her aside to us, you were 100 percent judging, so ease up, Shannon. With that, Shannon leaves. “Me and my judgy eyes have to go find my coat,” she mutters on her way to the door.

NEXT: We finally meet the Beador’s marriage “counselor”