Shannon “Lemon Bowl” Beador brings us to see Dr. Tim, whose chyron reads “Holistic Specialist.” Oh boy. Shannon’s gained 15 pounds and has now come back to Dr. Tim to hold her belly fat for photos then yelp during simple exercises. Tim hits her “chi center for emotion” in her hand and Shannon suddenly wants to cry. You see, Dr. Tim has just released a flood of bad juju. I imagine if Bravo possessed the same technology as The Magic School Bus and was able to shrink down and go inside Shannon’s body, we’d see a bunch of angry little cells with David’s cheating face on them, running amok, scaring the bejesus out of all the happy little cells with Shannon’s face, making the Shannon cells cry. Then vodka would come flooding into the bloodstream and all the little cells would get wasted and pass out.
Tamra Judge and husband Eddie are at their gym for a video shoot. Business fell off, so they want to do something different, namely “quickie videos” for the Internet, says a bubbly producer the duo has hired. This phraseology confuses Tamra: “So we’re doing sex-based workout videos?” The producer patiently explains this is a play on words, while Eddie shouts that sex sells then asks his wife when she became “a prude.” Tamra’s talking head shares they’re having trouble running this venture together before Bravo shows clips of Eddie condescending his wife. (Somewhere, Master Condescender Jim Edmonds is laughing at this.) They start filming, Eddie wearing a backward baseball hat to further appeal to the youths of the Interwebs.
Eddie lobs a hammy intro over to Tamra, who rightfully calls him on it. This isn’t some comedy show; it’s a workout video, she admonishes. Cut to the Judges’ camera guy rubbing his face, realizing this is going to be a looooong shoot. Ever the gentleman, Eddie mocks her in front of the crew and they bicker in that way couples do when they’re each trying for points from on-lookers. The second take is no better and I feel sorry for the now-less-bubbly producer and camera dudes, who likely were way underpaid to deal with this crap.
The mood over at Vicki Gunvalson’s house is equally bleak, as we’re still on her mother’s death. Vicki’s brother Billy is here and he’s not doing so well so Vicki decided to have a
median medium come over to help with some closure. Vicki, I’m sorry your mother passed away. But two episodes of “I want my mommy” later, this is entering ridiculous territory. You’re now going to have a séance “for closure” … and you’re going to film it? C’mon. “If it gives me a sense of peace, what’s the harm?” Vicki seemingly answers me from the TV. It’s your money and time to spend errantly, lady, so let’s get on with it.
Also attending this circus act are Brooks, Tamra, and Shannon. Vicki tells Shannon “I have vodka for you,” to Shannon’s immense delight. The ghost whisperer, Tim Braun, arrives and Vicki deems him “cute” as she ushers him into the living room. Vicki asks some questions and Tim Braun explains the rules of a séance that he has fabricated given that he and his profession are a total joke. We learn that Tamra believes in mediums, but only one that she knows. The rest are “sketchy people who claim they can talk to spirits, but they just can’t.”
Tim Braun needs everyone to have their feet on the floor and their eyes closed. Tamra keeps hers open to spite this charlatan, and I like Tamra more for that. Within seconds, Vicki’s mother has arrived. Well, imagine that! Tim Braun says she’s “chomping away so quickly, saying ‘Billy, Billy, Billy.’” Vicki puts her hand over her mouth as though this is the most astonishing turn of events, but how the hell can it be? You JUST told this fraud you wanted to speak to your mother. Out spews some generic gobbledygook that Tim Braun most definitely recites to everyone who has lost a loved one: “The last thing she remembers was closing her eyes. She wants you to know that there was no pain and there was nothing you could do to stop this.”
Vicki’s mother also shows Tim Braun her teeth, saying they’re finally all perfect. This is shocking because Vicki’s mom did have dental issues! …But doesn’t everyone by age 82? You got lucky on that one, Tim Braun. Then he points at Brooks and says “there’s a charisma in [Vicki’s mom’s] eyes which means she likes you.” Tamra winces and this is also a generic guesstimation. Vicki says otherwise, but I feel like Vicki’s mom didn’t care for Brooks. Next, Tim Braun wants to know if any grandchildren have a tattoo. What a delightfully broad stab in the dark, Timbo. Sure enough, one does. “She loves it though it should be the last one!” Tim Braun chuckles, pleased that he’s selling this dog and pony show so well.
I’m not the only one rolling my eyes. “What’s the tattoo?” Tamra smugly asks Tim Braun. He asks her to repeat the question; a trick dishonest folk employ when stalling for time to answer a legitimate question that could undo their entire house of lies. He then thanks her for this “great” inquiry. Translation: Shut up. “Let’s see if she can show me,” he says followed by a pregnant pause. And he just never answers Tamra. He merely repeats himself that Vicki’s mom likes this one tat. Tim Braun has dealt with skeptics before and so he now trots out the ole catch-all regulation: “It has to be really, really quiet. When things like Tamra interrupting happen, I get cross-interference and I can’t hear your mother anymore.” Duh. Everyone knows you can’t hear ghosts over haters.
Finally Tim Braun says Billy needs a colon cleanse because he’s blocked up, though Tim keeps saying, “I want you to get this.” With the editing, I’m having a hard time discerning if this is the advice of Tim Braun or a specter. Either way, Tim wants to know if Billy knows what he’s talking about. “Yeah,” Billy says. “I didn’t know that, but, yeah.” WHAT? You didn’t know you had bowel issues … because you don’t have bowel issues and Tim Braun is the only one in this room that’s full of s—. This is the end of Tim Braun, though it doesn’t have to be! A quick check of his cheesy website reveals for the low fee of several hundred dollars, Tim Braun will call your cell phone and give you a reading! Remotely! WOW! I will wait here while you schedule your appointments.
NEXT: Meghan Edmonds doesn’t understand parenting, money, or teenagers.