Unless you have been more drunk than the RHOC cast this season, you’ve heard time and again how excited Tamra Judge is at becoming a grandmother. This episode is no exception, as we open with her exclaiming, “I’m going to be the hottest grandmother in Orange County!” She’s headed to witness the birth of her grandbaby, though since it’s happening via C-section, she probably won’t be allowed in the room. Her solution? “Strap a GoPro on someone’s head!” I’m shocked Bravo couldn’t finagle some sort of in-utero cam, since they love filming all deeply personal moments.
Speaking of babies on camera, Meghan Edmonds drags her teenage step-daughter Hayley to the beach to learn paddleboarding yoga. Meghan likes to do fun activities such as this with Hayley because it not only helps strengthen their bond, but it also “helps out” Hayley’s mother, LeAnn, who has cancer, as Meghan constantly reminds us. Meghan is also constantly reminding us that she’s a “cool step mom,” something no actually cool step mom would ever say. “I can talk to Hayley about Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat,” Meghan brags. (What, no Kik?) So to summarize, Meghan’s idea of being “hip” is understanding three social media channels. Got it. Afloat on the ocean, Meghan asks an instructor who is doing this yoga better. The teacher politely replies that yoga is not a competition. Seconds later, Meghan falls face forward into the water, while Hayley lets loose some deserved side-splitting laughter. Meghan tells us “hashtag stepmomhood” and does the damn motion with her fingers again. Let me try to put this in terms Meghan can understand: #Youre #Super #Lame.
Back on shore, Meghan tries to have a heart-to-heart with Hayley about Vicki Gunvalson’s mom dying. Meghan again reminds us—and Hayley—that Hayley’s mom has cancer, though Hayley’s distressed face tells us she’d probably rather not think about the possibility of her mother dying, and she sure doesn’t need Meghan to talk about it now. But Meghan forges ahead with this stupid idea and, in true Real Housewives fashion, manages to make someone else’s plight all about herself. “Watching Vicki was like looking through a lens at you, Hayley. The thing that wasn’t fair is that she’s, like, 50 and you’re 17. It sucks.” Hayley agrees and stares at the sand. “There’s nothing we can do,” she finally responds. #GoodTalk, Meghan.
Vicki is still crying as Brooks helps her pack for her mother’s funeral. Brooks cannot attend with her, as Vicki’s entire family hates him, which makes Vicki feel even worse. Tamra and Eddie stop over to help console Vicki a bit. Brooks prays over the group and gets Vicki out the door. Over at the Dubrows, Heather is helping her son Nicholas with a school project: building a model house. This is funny because Heather is “building a big ass house in Newport, and now Nicholas is building a model of a big ass house!” Heather then kvetches about the tribulations of building a big ass house without the help of husband, Terry, though is there a single person out there who pities this woman and her “work”? Building your dream mansion is not a job, Heather. No one cares how hard it is to spend millions of dollars on extraneous crap. Terry tries to get his toddler daughter to kiss him, but she runs away and we see that the production crew has mic-ed this 5-year-old girl. For good reason, though. The next phrase from her cute little mouth? “Daddy, you fart.” Brilliant. Heather thinks her daughter is smart and knows it bugs Terry when she withholds affection, which she does to get back at Terry for working too much. So we’re clear, Heather’s essentially praising her own kid for being emotionally manipulative with her own father. On the plus side, all this kid will have to do when she starts counseling as an adult is show her therapist these episodes.
Shannon “When life gives you lemons, put nine in a bowl” Beador and philandering husband David arrive home after attending a conference where Shannon learned parents have to listen to their children. David explains they also learned that before you say something bad, you have to say something good. … So the sandwich approach? Good, bad, good? Where do the Beadors find their conferences? At this point, these people should just take the cash they’ve earmarked for counseling, therapy, and conferences and just burn it in the fireplace. At least it would keep them warm. One of their three daughters asks David how his day was. “Better,” he begins. “Because you know mommy was upset at me yesterday.” At this revelation, Shannon whips her head around to stare daggers at him. Looks like mommy’s about to be upset at daddy today, too. Undeterred by his wife’s icy glare, David continues to dig his own grave.
“She was upset last night and this morning and pretty much all day because I didn’t respect her enough and call her when I said I would,” David says in his flat tone that reminds me of Patrick Bateman. Shannon stops burning holes into David’s face long enough to snap, “There’s more to it than that. This isn’t fair to me.” Shannon tells us David should talk to her privately, that the kids don’t need any more negativity. So after they’ve gone to bed, Shannon begins her favorite pastime: picking David apart. I’ll give you one guess as to why Shannon was mad at him all day. Here’s a hint: it starts with “A” and ends with “ffair.”
Turns out Shannon’s asked David to compile a list of all the restaurants he went to with “his affair.” I wonder which paid consultant recommended this ridiculous activity. Shannon justifies it because “I don’t want to be surprised by any locations…” where she may know someone or something. I don’t know. She doesn’t make any sense here. Each name that’s added to the list is like “a knife in your heart,” Shannon says. So, uh, don’t ask him to make a list of places he went where he cheated on you…? Or here’s a solution: LEAVE DAVID AND STOP DWELLING ON ALL OF THIS. One of their kids comes back into the kitchen, where they’re sniping at each other, and David pulls Shannon into a pantry and closes the door, leaving their ignored daughter to scrunch her face up and declare, “That’s weird,” before walking away. Did they learn turning your back on your kids at tonight’s class, too??
NEXT: Meghan’s shocked that teenagers can be surly.