Unless you have been more drunk than the RHOC cast this season, you’ve heard time and again how excited Tamra Judge is at becoming a grandmother. This episode is no exception, as we open with her exclaiming, “I’m going to be the hottest grandmother in Orange County!” She’s headed to witness the birth of her grandbaby, though since it’s happening via C-section, she probably won’t be allowed in the room. Her solution? “Strap a GoPro on someone’s head!” I’m shocked Bravo couldn’t finagle some sort of in-utero cam, since they love filming all deeply personal moments.
Speaking of babies on camera, Meghan Edmonds drags her teenage step-daughter Hayley to the beach to learn paddleboarding yoga. Meghan likes to do fun activities such as this with Hayley because it not only helps strengthen their bond, but it also “helps out” Hayley’s mother, LeAnn, who has cancer, as Meghan constantly reminds us. Meghan is also constantly reminding us that she’s a “cool step mom,” something no actually cool step mom would ever say. “I can talk to Hayley about Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat,” Meghan brags. (What, no Kik?) So to summarize, Meghan’s idea of being “hip” is understanding three social media channels. Got it. Afloat on the ocean, Meghan asks an instructor who is doing this yoga better. The teacher politely replies that yoga is not a competition. Seconds later, Meghan falls face forward into the water, while Hayley lets loose some deserved side-splitting laughter. Meghan tells us “hashtag stepmomhood” and does the damn motion with her fingers again. Let me try to put this in terms Meghan can understand: #Youre #Super #Lame.
Back on shore, Meghan tries to have a heart-to-heart with Hayley about Vicki Gunvalson’s mom dying. Meghan again reminds us—and Hayley—that Hayley’s mom has cancer, though Hayley’s distressed face tells us she’d probably rather not think about the possibility of her mother dying, and she sure doesn’t need Meghan to talk about it now. But Meghan forges ahead with this stupid idea and, in true Real Housewives fashion, manages to make someone else’s plight all about herself. “Watching Vicki was like looking through a lens at you, Hayley. The thing that wasn’t fair is that she’s, like, 50 and you’re 17. It sucks.” Hayley agrees and stares at the sand. “There’s nothing we can do,” she finally responds. #GoodTalk, Meghan.
Vicki is still crying as Brooks helps her pack for her mother’s funeral. Brooks cannot attend with her, as Vicki’s entire family hates him, which makes Vicki feel even worse. Tamra and Eddie stop over to help console Vicki a bit. Brooks prays over the group and gets Vicki out the door. Over at the Dubrows, Heather is helping her son Nicholas with a school project: building a model house. This is funny because Heather is “building a big ass house in Newport, and now Nicholas is building a model of a big ass house!” Heather then kvetches about the tribulations of building a big ass house without the help of husband, Terry, though is there a single person out there who pities this woman and her “work”? Building your dream mansion is not a job, Heather. No one cares how hard it is to spend millions of dollars on extraneous crap. Terry tries to get his toddler daughter to kiss him, but she runs away and we see that the production crew has mic-ed this 5-year-old girl. For good reason, though. The next phrase from her cute little mouth? “Daddy, you fart.” Brilliant. Heather thinks her daughter is smart and knows it bugs Terry when she withholds affection, which she does to get back at Terry for working too much. So we’re clear, Heather’s essentially praising her own kid for being emotionally manipulative with her own father. On the plus side, all this kid will have to do when she starts counseling as an adult is show her therapist these episodes.
Shannon “When life gives you lemons, put nine in a bowl” Beador and philandering husband David arrive home after attending a conference where Shannon learned parents have to listen to their children. David explains they also learned that before you say something bad, you have to say something good. … So the sandwich approach? Good, bad, good? Where do the Beadors find their conferences? At this point, these people should just take the cash they’ve earmarked for counseling, therapy, and conferences and just burn it in the fireplace. At least it would keep them warm. One of their three daughters asks David how his day was. “Better,” he begins. “Because you know mommy was upset at me yesterday.” At this revelation, Shannon whips her head around to stare daggers at him. Looks like mommy’s about to be upset at daddy today, too. Undeterred by his wife’s icy glare, David continues to dig his own grave.
“She was upset last night and this morning and pretty much all day because I didn’t respect her enough and call her when I said I would,” David says in his flat tone that reminds me of Patrick Bateman. Shannon stops burning holes into David’s face long enough to snap, “There’s more to it than that. This isn’t fair to me.” Shannon tells us David should talk to her privately, that the kids don’t need any more negativity. So after they’ve gone to bed, Shannon begins her favorite pastime: picking David apart. I’ll give you one guess as to why Shannon was mad at him all day. Here’s a hint: it starts with “A” and ends with “ffair.”
Turns out Shannon’s asked David to compile a list of all the restaurants he went to with “his affair.” I wonder which paid consultant recommended this ridiculous activity. Shannon justifies it because “I don’t want to be surprised by any locations…” where she may know someone or something. I don’t know. She doesn’t make any sense here. Each name that’s added to the list is like “a knife in your heart,” Shannon says. So, uh, don’t ask him to make a list of places he went where he cheated on you…? Or here’s a solution: LEAVE DAVID AND STOP DWELLING ON ALL OF THIS. One of their kids comes back into the kitchen, where they’re sniping at each other, and David pulls Shannon into a pantry and closes the door, leaving their ignored daughter to scrunch her face up and declare, “That’s weird,” before walking away. Did they learn turning your back on your kids at tonight’s class, too??
NEXT: Meghan’s shocked that teenagers can be surly. [pagebreak]
Tamra and Ryan go to the hospital to have her grandbaby, but nothing really interesting happens here so let’s move right along to Meghan Edmonds and LeAnn—Jim Edmonds’ ex-wife and Hayley’s mom—who are arriving at some ritzy beachside hotel. Meghan’s wearing some absurd pink fur vest, which looks like she’s killed and skinned a Muppet. Tonight’s a special occasion because it’s Hayley’s winter formal. When Meghan was a teenager, getting ready for winter formal was a bonding experience for her and her mom, so Meghan wants that same feeling for Hayley. And to include herself in it, too! And her Bravo camera crew! #PublicityWhore
Turns out Hayley forgot her dress and, as a result, is quite moody when she arrives. Jim Edmonds arrives with LeAnne’s new husband, Don, and Meghan giggles to us how great and rare it is for exes and new spouses to get along this well! Now if only Hayley would be more appreciative of all that LeAnn and Meghan have done for her tonight by getting her this fancy suite in which to get ready. But Hayley’s too busy pouting about the dress. Jim Edmonds sums this all up for Hayley in the caring manner we’ve come to expect from the laconic father: “Haley, bring your own crap. Then you can’t get mad at anyone.” Then he stuffs a canape into his mouth and complains about how hot the room is. With winning advice such as this, Jim Edmonds could teach a parenting class. I bet the Beadors would sign up for it.
Tamra’s granddaughter is born and she’s one cute baby. Tamra gives us a bunch of superlatives about how she feels, but the best one is “I feel so old.” Perhaps you will now start dressing and acting your age, grandma. Speaking of aging, Heather takes advantage of Terry’s insecurity about getting fat and teases him about having manboobs. Terry’s over-the-top reaction is to shout “DO I HAVE MANBOOBS?!” repeatedly while taking selfies of his chest from multiple angles. Heather doesn’t actually think he does; she just enjoys needling him. Which is pretty funny.
Hayley’s dress has arrived, though Meghan’s still pissed because she’s yet to get any recognition for putting today together. Uh, yeah, Meghan. Today isn’t about you, sister. Hayley continues to besmirch her mother for forgetting the dress, though Hayley’s two friends remark that LeAnn did remind her to grab it. Faced with the truth, Hayley counters, “Well, I was stressed out.” Meghan and LeAnn find the girls to let them know they arranged for a final surprise. “For me or for the three of us?” Hayley immediately asks. The surprise? “We hired a photographer to take pictures of you on the beach.” This is not a gift to the kids but more to the parents who care about sentimental things such as photos. A surprise for the kids would’ve been a bottle of schnapps or something. Accordingly, Hayley could care less, judging by her scowling face (though that may be hereditary as she IS Jim Edmonds’ daughter). Her friends are kind enough to at least say things like, “Ooohhh that’s sooo nice” in the flat way teenagers do when they want it to be obvious they do not care in the least. “Teenagers suck,” surmises Meghan. Wait, wait, wait. What happened to you being the cool step-mom, Meghan?! The one who “gets” kids, and who, in return, kids love?? #Hmm?
Out to the beach everyone trots, where Hayley
lovingly asks “Why are you guys in the photo? No one cares about you,” to her parents and step-parents. Jim Edmonds tells Meghan everything went great, “other than the fact that you didn’t get the right sunset.” WHAT THE F—, JIM EDMONDS?? MEGHAN IS SUPPOSED TO CONTROL THE SUN NOW?
Heather’s kids are having dinner. She reminisces about when they were younger and it was just potty training and diaper changing. Now that they are older and becoming little human beings with emotions and activities, “This is a lot more work!” she exclaims. Gee, ya think? One daughter throws a tantrum, crying on floor about wanting ice cream, and Heather does what any doting mother would do: leaves the room with her glass of wine and asks the nanny to make some pasta. Heather sits alone with her method champenoise and calls Tamra about needing to get everyone together to “shake it up a bit and do something silly and laugh.” Hard work, indeed.
Shannon visits Vicki and brings her some homeopathic remedies for grief. “Is it going to make my mom come back?” Vicki asks, without any indication that she’s not 100 percent serious. Shannon is forced to answer earnestly (“No, but it may help you though.”) and they sit down on the couch to talk about how hard this has all been on Vicki. Here, we learn Vicki visited a “median” awhile back to conjure up the spirit of her father. “My dad came into the room,” Vicki says, “And the median says ‘Is there a picture in your hallway that’s crooked?’” Shockingly, there was, and the “median” says that’s her father. Also her father? “The bird who taps on the kitchen window,” says Vicki.
Vicki says “median” a few more times and we get a few cuts of Shannon correcting her to “medium,” though with these women, you never know. Perhaps Vicki actually went to a curb in the middle of a road and used it to summon the aura of her deceased relatives. Vicki wants to use a median/medium again to reach her mother. “Would God frown upon that; talking to a spirit?” she asks Shannon, who says no. Good, because Vicki really wants “to get this recipe that my mother never wrote down” and some other stuff. Sigh.
What’s one hashtag you’d use to describe Meghan Edmonds? Have you ever spoken to a dead relative through a piece of road? How many more times this season do you think Shannon will become angry over David’s affair?