We open this episode still in Napa where Shannon Beador’s still in the middle of a separation from reality over a phone call about charity from Meghan Edmonds. You know, when Shannon’s kids were in the car?? Well, Shannon’s sure as hell not going to let Meghan paint her as uncharitable. She’d rather be portrayed as childish and immature by clomping away and hiding in a bathroom. So that’s precisely what she does. Heather Dubrow, who catches the tail end of this pointless skirmish, thinks this is like last year at Lizzie’s beach house. We’re treated to a clip wherein Shannon throws a similar tantrum before marching away, all the other housewives screaming “STOP IT” over and over and over. Ah, memories.
Heather is allowed into the bathroom, though Bravo’s cameras aren’t. We hear Shannon announce she felt “ambushed” by Meghan, though that makes me wonder if Shannon’s unclear as to what an “ambush” entails, because there was no trap or elaborate Wile E. Coyote machine to ensnare Shannon. Meghan simply sat beside her on a nice couch and spoke words to her. Shannon leaves the bathroom, stalking past Eddie Judge, Terry Dubrow, and her own downtrodden husband, David, throwing shade the whole way. The men pick up on this, though instead of inquiring as to what happened, they shrug and venture off in search of tequila shots.
Meanwhile, Meghan is flabbergasted this has blown up into a whole thing and tries to seek solace from her
charming and loving husband, Jim Edmonds. Though she’s speaking directly to Jim Edmonds, this is really a soliloquy, as Jim Edmonds offers no response, even when Meghan grabs his face and tries to kiss him. Jim Edmonds may be the biggest turd in the history of turds.
Shannon sits on the very same couch she was “ambushed” upon (BE CAREFUL, LADY), beside Tamra, Katie Hamilton and Lizzie from last year as they continue to deconstruct this fight. There’s a ton of raised eyebrows—as much as eyebrows can still raise under the gripping paralysis of Botox. Meghan comes up to offer an apology for the way the fight went. (But not for the fact that it happened.) This prompts Shannon to spew a bunch of sentences that make little sense and use the word “charity” no less than 2,500 times. “I’m offended that someone told you she gave you my phone number, when she didn’t,” Shannon says. …What? “I have a private cell phone number that not many people have,” she continues. “Congratu-f—ing-lations. Don’t talk to me about your number, Shannon. You’re not some big to do,” Meghan snaps. While Meghan is factually correct, her tone leaves something to be desired and Tamra winces while Lizzie from last year laughs. “This is about charity,” Meghan continues, as though the word has more gravitas when yelled during a drunken kerfuffle.
You see, Shannon didn’t know that she would be getting a call about charity, though Meghan points out that one never knows when calls about charity are coming. This is true; I’ve received several calls about charity since I started writing this recap. Meghan continues to lambast Shannon while Shannon continues to defend herself poorly and condescend Meghan like Meghan is an annoying toddler. In Shannon’s defense, so does Jim Edmonds, so Meghan should be somewhat used to this by now. Shannon finally issues an apology, though Meghan thinks it’s contrived and tells Shannon as much. “I’m not going to accept a bullsh-t apology,” Meghan sniffs to us. Heather thinks there’s a bottle of booze being opened somewhere nearby, so the women are all off to drink more, because more alcohol is clearly what these people need.
Onto Vicki and Brooks and Brooks’ cancer. Vicki’s home from her trip to Florida, feeling a little guilty that she wasn’t there to comfort Brooks during his latest round of chemo. But “you can’t sit with him by his side for the five days he’s violently ill,” she says. “Life has to go on.” As the self-proclaimed “fun bus” mentioned last week, her trip was for work (to pick up an award). Now we learn that’s half true; she also took her grandkids to Disney World. So she could have been with Brooks, but instead chose to whoop it up with Mickey. Got it. Her mea culpa for her absence? “I picked you up pea soup at the airport.” Nothing says you care more than airport soup. Lastly, Brooks mentions that he may start getting coffee enemas because, as Vicki puts it, “shooting coffee in your ass will take the toxins out of your liver.” Brooks is skeptical about this and asks if Vicki would join him for the procedure. Uh, no. Vicki takes her coffee in a cup, not “in my butthole.” And now we all have to picture Vicki’s butthole. Vile.
In the Edmonds’ home, Meghan’s jabbering away at her assistant, which seriously begs the question: Why does Meghan need an assistant? Meghan explains: “We need her for everything. She runs errands, she cleans our house, she protects us and keeps all our secrets. She’s like a friend that I pay!” This proves that Meghan doesn’t understand what comprises a friend. Someone should send Meghan a nice Lisa Frank diary with a little lock, so she can write down all her secrets in cute, bubbly cursive, with hearts over the “i”s.
NEXT: Where’s Shannon’s invite?