We open this episode still in Napa where Shannon Beador’s still in the middle of a separation from reality over a phone call about charity from Meghan Edmonds. You know, when Shannon’s kids were in the car?? Well, Shannon’s sure as hell not going to let Meghan paint her as uncharitable. She’d rather be portrayed as childish and immature by clomping away and hiding in a bathroom. So that’s precisely what she does. Heather Dubrow, who catches the tail end of this pointless skirmish, thinks this is like last year at Lizzie’s beach house. We’re treated to a clip wherein Shannon throws a similar tantrum before marching away, all the other housewives screaming “STOP IT” over and over and over. Ah, memories.
Heather is allowed into the bathroom, though Bravo’s cameras aren’t. We hear Shannon announce she felt “ambushed” by Meghan, though that makes me wonder if Shannon’s unclear as to what an “ambush” entails, because there was no trap or elaborate Wile E. Coyote machine to ensnare Shannon. Meghan simply sat beside her on a nice couch and spoke words to her. Shannon leaves the bathroom, stalking past Eddie Judge, Terry Dubrow, and her own downtrodden husband, David, throwing shade the whole way. The men pick up on this, though instead of inquiring as to what happened, they shrug and venture off in search of tequila shots.
Meanwhile, Meghan is flabbergasted this has blown up into a whole thing and tries to seek solace from her
charming and loving husband, Jim Edmonds. Though she’s speaking directly to Jim Edmonds, this is really a soliloquy, as Jim Edmonds offers no response, even when Meghan grabs his face and tries to kiss him. Jim Edmonds may be the biggest turd in the history of turds.
Shannon sits on the very same couch she was “ambushed” upon (BE CAREFUL, LADY), beside Tamra, Katie Hamilton and Lizzie from last year as they continue to deconstruct this fight. There’s a ton of raised eyebrows—as much as eyebrows can still raise under the gripping paralysis of Botox. Meghan comes up to offer an apology for the way the fight went. (But not for the fact that it happened.) This prompts Shannon to spew a bunch of sentences that make little sense and use the word “charity” no less than 2,500 times. “I’m offended that someone told you she gave you my phone number, when she didn’t,” Shannon says. …What? “I have a private cell phone number that not many people have,” she continues. “Congratu-f—ing-lations. Don’t talk to me about your number, Shannon. You’re not some big to do,” Meghan snaps. While Meghan is factually correct, her tone leaves something to be desired and Tamra winces while Lizzie from last year laughs. “This is about charity,” Meghan continues, as though the word has more gravitas when yelled during a drunken kerfuffle.
You see, Shannon didn’t know that she would be getting a call about charity, though Meghan points out that one never knows when calls about charity are coming. This is true; I’ve received several calls about charity since I started writing this recap. Meghan continues to lambast Shannon while Shannon continues to defend herself poorly and condescend Meghan like Meghan is an annoying toddler. In Shannon’s defense, so does Jim Edmonds, so Meghan should be somewhat used to this by now. Shannon finally issues an apology, though Meghan thinks it’s contrived and tells Shannon as much. “I’m not going to accept a bullsh-t apology,” Meghan sniffs to us. Heather thinks there’s a bottle of booze being opened somewhere nearby, so the women are all off to drink more, because more alcohol is clearly what these people need.
Onto Vicki and Brooks and Brooks’ cancer. Vicki’s home from her trip to Florida, feeling a little guilty that she wasn’t there to comfort Brooks during his latest round of chemo. But “you can’t sit with him by his side for the five days he’s violently ill,” she says. “Life has to go on.” As the self-proclaimed “fun bus” mentioned last week, her trip was for work (to pick up an award). Now we learn that’s half true; she also took her grandkids to Disney World. So she could have been with Brooks, but instead chose to whoop it up with Mickey. Got it. Her mea culpa for her absence? “I picked you up pea soup at the airport.” Nothing says you care more than airport soup. Lastly, Brooks mentions that he may start getting coffee enemas because, as Vicki puts it, “shooting coffee in your ass will take the toxins out of your liver.” Brooks is skeptical about this and asks if Vicki would join him for the procedure. Uh, no. Vicki takes her coffee in a cup, not “in my butthole.” And now we all have to picture Vicki’s butthole. Vile.
In the Edmonds’ home, Meghan’s jabbering away at her assistant, which seriously begs the question: Why does Meghan need an assistant? Meghan explains: “We need her for everything. She runs errands, she cleans our house, she protects us and keeps all our secrets. She’s like a friend that I pay!” This proves that Meghan doesn’t understand what comprises a friend. Someone should send Meghan a nice Lisa Frank diary with a little lock, so she can write down all her secrets in cute, bubbly cursive, with hearts over the “i”s.
NEXT: Where’s Shannon’s invite? [pagebreak]
It’s now time for the charity people to come to Meghan’s home and do their walkthrough for the charity event. This charity is benefiting the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. It’s crucial that Meghan’s attached to this charity because charity is important! “Yeah, there’s a charity involved, but this is also how I’m going to introduce myself to Orange County,” Meghan chirps. This charity event must be the charity event to end all charity events, because charity. Charity. CHARITY. If Meghan says “charity” enough times, does the philanthropic version of Beetlejuice emerge? After the planners tour the home, Meghan bores them with tales of how hard it is to be Meghan Edmonds and sell this nice house and have to buy an even nicer house somewhere else. I mean, can you imagine?! The planners laugh politely in that way you do when some rich jackass is talking about the struggles of being a rich jackass.
Speaking of affected people and their homes, over at the Dubrows’
planet new house, Heather and her gaggle of contractors are discussing vital matters, such as whether Heather needs a second chandelier in her closet. “You can never have too much light in a closet,” Heather informs, adding, “Chandeliers give off my kind of light: fancy light!” Then we hear more budget numbers and they are staggering. To install 8,000 square feet of stone, they’ve allocated $700,000, and are now over budget by $250,000. And if Heather wants that second chandelier? “Another $50,000,” says a contractor. Heather reminds us that she doesn’t need this big house. “It’s all for Terry and I hope he appreciates all my hard work,” she laughs. What hard work? Spending his money on an overpriced manse? Sadly, Heather gives us no lesson in pretentious French terms this week. (“Chandelier” doesn’t count.) Je suis tres triste.
Vicki’s out to dinner with Shannon and Tamra, at the Canyon Fireside Grille. You know that shizz is classy because “grill” has an unnecessary “e” on it. We waste at least 30 seconds hearing their drink orders, and I’m starting to question what I’m supposed to be taking away from the fact that Shannon’s vodka concoction must be “in a tall glass.” Shannon does a less-than-stellar impression of Meghan and talks about Meghan’s charity event, occurring the following night. Cue a grimace from Tamra. We then see that Tamra got Meghan’s invite phone call in front of a camera while out to drinks with the gals. “Does that mean Shannon’s not going?” Tamra shouts into her phone. “This is a special night for my husband and I and I can’t risk Shannon flying off the handle. I’m not trying to exclude her, and I don’t want to be mean, but I feel like she’s excluded herself,” Meghan responds.
Claiming she “doesn’t want to be the big mouth,” Tamra inarticulately breaks the news that Shannon’s not invited. “Well, now I have to cancel my hair appointment for tomorrow,” Shannon scoffs. “This is very uncharitable.” Indeed. Vicki, citing solidarity, announces she won’t go to Meghan’s party either. Heather drops by Meghan’s hours before the big bash to let Meghan know that not inviting Shannon could escalate the situation to “DEFCON 4.” However, Heather’s not well versed in DEFCON levels. Five is the least severe and 1 is the worst, so 4 is actually not that bad at all. Regardless, Meghan doesn’t care or back down. Shannon ain’t coming and that’s final. Vicki calls Meghan to announce she’s taking Shannon to dinner instead of coming to the shindig. Meghan’s face contorts at this news, as though she’s smelling a horrendous fart, though she says it’s fine. Vicki hangs up and uses the phrase “buckets of balls,” which is a delightful idiom I have never heard before.
As the event begins, Meghan asks Jim Edmonds if her hair looks good. Unfortunately, Meghan’s obscuring Jim Edmonds from looking at Jim Edmonds in the mirror, so he briskly tells her it looks fine and to ask her sister before focusing on the one thing Jim Edmonds cares about more than anything in this world: himself. Meghan decides she looks “classy as f—” and walks around her husband so he can take her in, but he doesn’t care in the least.
Everyone starts piling into the party. Lizzie from last season inquires as to where Shannon is, and upon the revelation that she’s not invited, Lizzie from last season is shocked. “Shannon wouldn’t cause drama,” she says. Has Lizzie from last season not met Shannon? Meanwhile, Vicki and Shannon are out at the bar drinking, because yay alcohol! Vicki asks how Shannon’s doing. “I’m fine!” Shannon says in that high-pitched way you talk when you are definitely not fine. We hear Shannon’s drink order again. Are vodka companies paying for all these product mentions? Shannon thinks she deserved a phone call from Meghan saying she wasn’t going to be invited, which Vicki, and every other person on my couch, thinks is absurd. Shannon doesn’t know the mistake she made to warrant this. Uh, hit rewind, madam. Right back to the beginning of this very episode. Shannon cries as she says she could give a crap about Meghan and a crap about the party. Mmhmm.
Lizzie from last season calls from the party, wondering where Shannon is. Why, she’s at the bar about to do a tequila shot! Naturally, all the other housewives now want to do tequila shots. They inform Meghan they’re leaving to do just that, and Meghan claims there’s no hard feelings, though, obviously there will be because these women have the maturity of a bag of sand.
They arrive at the bar and Tamra’s quite happy to see food. “They don’t feed people at charity events. They give you two tablespoons of taco meat and send you on your way,” she says. I dunno, Tamra. The food at Meghan’s looked pretty decent and plentiful. Either way, Tamra crams food into her mouth before everyone does more shots. Tamra, ever the tactful broad, toasts Shannon by calling her the “f—ing outcast of the group” and everyone woo hoos and slams back more agave. At the Edmonds’ house, people are leaving and Jim Edmonds admits this party was better than he thought it would be. He then rewards Meghan with the tiniest of pecks on the lips.
If you were Meghan, would you have invited Shannon? Do you think most of the cast has more alcohol than blood in their veins at this point? Should we start a charity just to help these Housewives cope with the stresses of throwing charity events?