We start out at dinner with Heather Dubrow, Meghan Edmonds, and Tamra Judge in a fancy-schmancy restaurant when the waiter comes over and asks if they’d like a beverage that contains alcohol. Heather shoots this man a look as though he just asked if she’ll continue to need air to breathe. Of course they want booze, silly servant. What a perfect segue for Heather to talk about something she loves more than ordering drinks: herself and her forthcoming sparkling wine! (I refuse to name it here since I don’t want to give Heather any free marketing.)
Everything’s set for the wine’s launch party up in Napa and Heather can’t wait to have everyone crowd around her and also talk about Heather. Yay! Meanwhile, Meghan’s still droning on about the number of times she’s had to move houses, the tally having risen since these same lamentations in prior episodes. She’s “hashtag over it,” and does the motion with her hands again, continuing to demonstrate she doesn’t understand how hashtags work. Oh, Meghan. Have you not seen the Jimmy Fallon sketch that mocks people who do precisely what you’re doing?
Back to dinner. Everyone had fun at Vicki’s party the night before (last week), but Tamra and Meghan think Shannon was being awkward. It’s mostly because Shannon hates younger, prettier women who have spoken to, looked at, or been in the same zip code as her philandering husband David. We’re treated to a clip where Meghan calls Shannon about some charity event that Meghan’s hosting that Shannon hosted last year. Shannon pulls the ultimate Ron Swanson by pretending not to know Meghan’s name and briskly hurries off the phone. Post-call, we’re also treated to Jim Edmonds chastising Meghan like she’s a child he never wanted. It may be a fun drinking game to take a large gulp every time Jim Edmonds is an ass to his wife. Have a large carafe handy. You will need refills.
Shannon’s watching Vicki pack for a forthcoming journey to Florida and listening to Vicki yammer on about how great Vicki is. Vicki’s getting an award, which she loves since Vicki REALLY loves being acknowledged. Uh, we know. You’ve been on a TV show for 10 years. This award show is like the “Oscars but for insurance people,” she tells Shannon. That sounds more dull than the year Anne Hathaway and James Franco hosted the actual Oscars. Shannon asks Vicki to opine on the jaunt to Napa with Tamra and Heather, but Vicki’s packing. She can’t focus on Shannon’s words or feelings. She’s got to get a “rather loud” g-string into her bag! It’s crucial “to have good panties on because if you get in a car accident, the first thing they do is take off your pants and top and make sure [your underwear] is matching,” Vicki says. May Vicki never work in a triage unit. Back to Shannon. Vicki’s advice? “Have fun. Whoop it up!” Though, did Shannon really expect a meaningful response?
All the ladies arrive at the private jet terminal for the flight to Napa. Tamra, Meghan, Heather, Shannon, Katie Hamilton, and Lizzie from last season all climb aboard and are treated to what I can only assume is Meghan’s latest find on Pinterest: hand-painted wine glasses for everyone. Those glasses ain’t empty for long. This ride is the perfect time for Katie and Tamra to talk about how Tamra found the Lord after someone in Tamra’s workout class said, “God reached out and he wants you to go to church.” So, naturally, she went and loved it. Now, Tamra knows what you’re thinking: “She’s going to church because she’s done so many bad things and she wants to look good. But I’m saved! And if you don’t like it, you can suck it.” I think Tamra needs to pay closer attention to the “turn the other cheek” axiom.
Meghan’s also religious but hasn’t found a church that isn’t “boring or chintzy,” which makes me wonder what Meghan thinks the word “chintzy” actually means. She’s “not there to spend the whole Sunday” with all the singing; she needs some open time for Jim Edmonds to berate and degrade her. They all clap when the plane lands because they are the kind of women who do that.
Heather’s off to meet her vintner to test her hooch while the rest of the flock heads to the hotel. Tamra thinks the resort looks like the White House, which can only mean Tamra thinks every house that is white is the White House. The husbands arrive and we get a wide shot of the group before moving into a closely-cropped shot of Katie Hamilton, necessary to exclude her now ex-husband Josh who clearly didn’t want to be a part of this circus. They’re all waiting on Shannon and David, who are in a tiff in their golf cart taxi. David whines that he didn’t do “anything wrong today!” and I love the fact that he has to add “today.”
They continue to fight in that reserved, passive-aggressive way couples who have been through too much therapy do, and David asks the driver to turn the cart around. I’m not sure where they’re headed, but I doubt the cart has enough of a charge to make it all the way to another couples retreat replete with poorly painted Styrofoam gravestones. Turns out David arrived angry due to rush hour traffic and, when David’s angry, that reminds Shannon of the beginning of his affair, so she gets angry. Shannon really needs to get a divorce. They eventually make it to the bus where Shannon lies about having “eyelash issues” to excuse their tardiness.
NEXT: Let’s learn some French! [pagebreak]
At the party, we learn that Heather’s fond of needlessly giving everything a French name. She’s going to call her silly sauce “methode champenoise,” because she legally cannot call it champagne. (Imagine if she gets to drink her methode champenoise under her porte-cochere?! Zut alors!) All this nomenclature confuses Tamra, who would prefer to call it “bubbly wine.” Shannon doesn’t care what the hell it’s called. Homegirl wants some vodka, so she drags David away in search of a full bar, dissecting his every word, grunt, and breath along the way. Tamra discovers the cake is Styrofoam, so where’s the expensive cake Heather ordered last week? The one that could only fly private??
Heather wants to saber a champagne bottle because everyone else got to last season. She does so, then walks around to make sure everyone saw that she sabered a bottle. Tamra checks out her boobs in a mirror. Originally she didn’t want anyone to notice her new implants but, now that her wish has come to fruition, she wishes the complete opposite. Lizzie from last year notices but refuses to acknowledge it. Atta girl. Heather and Tamra call Vicki on speakerphone to tell her how much fun they are having. Vicki wonders how that is possible since she is not there and then refers to herself as “the fun bus.” Though it pains me, out of politeness, I’m not going to touch this perfect set up.
Heather pulls Terry aside to disclose that they’re $150,000 over budget on the cabinets in their new
continent house. Terry is reminded as to the original cabinet budget ($500K), so for you math majors, that’s a crap load of money for freaking cabinets. Heather’s “tried to stay on budget,” but it’s hard! Terry was hoping to save the overages for his movie theater, which clocks in at a cool million bucks, but Heather’s going to need him to come down a bit so she can continue to purchase the most expensive cabinets in the world. (Anyone know the French word for “cabinet”? Actually, never mind. I’m sure Heather will condescendingly tell us in a future episode.)
Heather gathers everyone to give a thank you speech and explain her bubbly wine is named after their five-year-old daughter. Terry thinks this is the perfect time to announce to the room that their daughter was a “mistake.” Heather kindly corrects his terminology to “surprise” and continues on. Their daughter is a handful, something Heather alludes to by quipping, “She’s in a league of her own.” Terry again interjects to call her “so mean.” Jesus, dude. You DO realize you’re being filmed, right? Fingers crossed their pride and joy doesn’t watch this episode when she’s older. Later, Tamra tries to touch Heather’s crotch, telling us she really wants to see Heather’s “fancy” vagina. Tamra imagines it’s bedazzled, and I just threw up in my mouth a little.
The following day, the plan is “public drunkenness,” per Terry Dubrow. This puts a smile on Jim Edmonds’ face, a sight more rare than a sober Housewife. The whole clan goes to a vineyard because they have not ingested alcohol in, like, eight hours and this injustice must be righted. The host of this winery has a French accent, which sets Heather aflutter. “Terry better get an accent,” she grins. Perhaps she can buy him one for $150,000. Take it out of le cabinet budget.
This winery looks like E.L. James was in charge of the decor. Heather rightfully calls it “50 Shades of Cabernet.” There are half-naked mannequins dressed like hookers dangling everywhere, posed provocatively. It looks more like a brothel than a place where wine is produced. Naturally, the Housewives love every bit of it, right down to the horrible accent lighting. In the tasting, instead of using a glass, Tamra wants the host to put a big phallic pipette full of wine directly into her mouth so she can “suck it out because it always tastes better when you suck it out.” Tamra winks to drive home this horrible, thinly veiled joke. Not to be out-hoochied, Meghan follows suit. Jim Edmonds does not look pleased that his third wife is simulating oral sex on a pipette in a vineyard.
That night, it’s back on the bus to go somewhere and do something new for a change: drink! My liver aches just watching these people. Heather brings out the real cake for this party, while Meghan uses this opportunity to talk to Shannon about getting blown off during that phone call. We again see the same clip from earlier in this episode, in case you, too, have been drinking champenoise while watching and have forgotten. (Fun bonus fact: Meghan’s wearing the same earrings in the clip that she has on now.) Meghan begins by telling Shannon she was “offended, truly,” by Shannon’s dismissal. Overreaching but slightly valid, I suppose. Here comes the crazy. Shannon was also offended. Why, you sane people wonder?
Welp, Meghan didn’t say her total name, omitting the “Edmonds,” (a felony in Jim Edmonds’ book) plus Shannon “had my kids in the car and thought this was a sales call.” What? What the actual what? “And I’ve got my kids in the back and I’m thinking ‘Who is this girl and how does she have my number?’” Shannon continues, climbing deeper into her hole of insanity. What the heck does the location of her children have to do with any of this? Later, when Meghan texted, she did use her full name, and Shannon realized this is Heather’s friend, but “so what?” I MEAN, HER KIDS WERE IN THE CAR, FOR CHRISSAKES. Meghan reiterates she was looking for help, and that this was all about charity, but Shannon’s done. She snaps up off the couch, points at herself, and declares, “I START charities, Meghan,” then walks away, saying she doesn’t want to be painted as uncharitable. And our first fight over a meaningless charity event is underway, though it sadly concludes next week.
Do you think Shannon had a right to be offended? Do you remember where Shannon’s kids were? Should Heather just move to France already? How much did your cabinets cost?