The final portion of the reunion is sadly unfulfilling as there’s no sincere mea culpa from the lips of a drugged Vicki Gunvalson, no real come-to-Jesus moment (though the Lord’s name is frequently bandied about), and no real resolution to whether or not Brooks has cancer. While our dubious Housewives circle their prey like sharks waiting to chomp, we’re left with bloodless waters, though there were more than a few highlights.
The funnier fluff:
• Brooks dated a porn star and lied about it. Vicki corrects this mystery woman’s title to “poker-playing waitress.” An interesting mix of professions, to say the least.
• Meghan tells Vicki, “You look like an idiot.” Atta girl, Meggers.
• Vicki’s “not lying, and I’m not going to hell. I’m going to Heaven. Because I am saved.”
• Briana says the last two weeks have been the best in a while, since Brooks is gone and “I can call her up without having her call me a f—ing bitch anymore.” Oh…
• Tamra goes to church as “often as [she] can…online. Pasture Mike is on there.” To Tamra, the proper title of pastor “sounds like the Mexican pork taco you eat.” Which raises the question: What is Tamra eating?
• Brooks’ warm message to the ever-sleuthing Meghan is: “F— off.”
The heart of the matter — Brooks’ alleged cancer:
• The million-dollar question comes early, from Shannon Beador. Did Vicki think Brooks has cancer? “I do. I don’t have any proof he doesn’t, and he won’t give me enough proof that he does. I’ve been busy with my business and this big house, and I’m like there has to be truth in this stuff.” Tamra speaks for all of us when she exclaims, “Oh, f— me” in response.
• Per Tamra, we learn Vicki left Donn for Brooks because Brooks said he had pancreatic cancer and was dying, though he lied and it was just pancreatitis.
• Brooks tells Andy during their NYC solo interview, “I do have cancer.” He adds his treatment, chemotherapy plus holistic approaches, has got his “numbers normalizing. My lesions are gone.” This elicits a nice exasperated grunt from Tamra.
• As to why Brooks never accepted a medical referral from Shannon’s network of world-class doctors, “Shannon’s not the only one with world-renowned doctors,” Brooks says. Just because you have Lenka, the Russian Earthing Expert who makes you commune with the planet, does not mean you have a world-renowned anything, buddy.
• Brooks’ sole medical document, that janky PET/CT scan sheet, wasn’t old. “I went to a different facility and the results were dictated through the first facility,” he claims.
• The two ex-girlfriends who accused Brooks of faking cancer before are lying, according to Brooks. He told the first he had a nose-cancer scare, though he never corrected himself because they had already split. The second one, “my baby momma, if you will, was also involved in that story.” Wait, what? Andy’s also confused. “That’s fine,” Brooks sighs, fidgeting in his chair. Andy tries to go at him a little harder but never ends up anywhere near the jugular for the kill, which is truly disappointing. You’ve got the guy in studio and on camera. Dissect his shady and ambiguous responses, and freaking nail him, Mr. Cohen. Shouldn’t have let this slippery snake off so easily.
• The whole pancreatic cancer which ended up being pancreatitis? That’s a lie too, Brooks says, gulping his water. Man, a lot of people around Brooks must really like lying about Brooks.
• Heather says Vicki is “a smart woman, so why only noncologists? Where are the real doctors?” Vicki mentions one that didn’t want to film. Unfortunately for ol’ Fun Bus, that doctor lives down the street from the Dubrows (in an equally large hotel-house?), and Heather knows this doctor never saw Brooks. “Interesting,” says Vicki. You just got caught in a lie and the best you can muster is “interesting”? C’mon, Gunvalson. Put a little effort in, here.
NEXT: Shannon displays her own medical documents…