Vicki Gunvalson’s daughter, Briana, and son-in-law, Ryan, are at Vicki’s house, which means Brooks isn’t. Vicki outlines her plan to sell her insurance business to one of her kids or Ryan, who isn’t thrilled at that prospect. “Would you be a silent partner?” he says. Ryan, the only time Vicki is silent is when there’s alcohol in her mouth. Briana gets “a weird, nasty feeling when you walk through the door” of her mom’s house. That would be the aura of Brooks, away on business. “There’s like a musk,” she surmises, crinkling her nose.
Meghan Edmonds’ quest to turn stepchild Hayley into her bestie continues. Meggers made the teen ice cream sandwiches! Now they’re going to make organic face scrubs! Tamra Judge calls to invite Meggers to her baptism. Jim Edmonds is in St. Louis so he won’t have to suffer through Tamra’s religious farce, though Hayley may be subjected to this dog and pony show. “It’s more important to be a friend to Hayley instead of a mom,” Meghan tells us. “She needs someone to talk to, and I want that someone to be me.” Meghan, if you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be. Please apply this thinking both to Hayley and these heinous headbands you keep wearing.
Shannon Beador and her husband
Patrick Bateman David, welcome “marriage counselor” Tina Konkin into their home. Tina, you may recall, literally has no training to be a counselor other than the fact that she’s been a counselor for 25 years. By this logic, I could become a surgeon merely by starting to do some surgeries. David, you can be my first patient. I will give you a soul and emotions.
David offers Tina a beer or wine, odd choices for a therapy sesh. She declines and gets to business. A flashback reminds us that Tina sided with David the last time Shannon had a freakout about the affair and, as a result, I’m reminded that I don’t care much for Tina. Tina now plays good cop, praising Shannon for her calmer demeanor. “David, I know you’re not touchy-feely and don’t like talking,” Tina says. David disagrees: “I’m very open and honest in a safe environment.” Where?
Ironically, when David opens his mouth to say how open he is, Shannon’s reminded of his affair and begins crying. Frustration quickly flashes on David’s face before it reverts to his resting face: a blank slate with a hint of scowl. “The shame I’ve felt over what I’ve done is brutal. It’s easier to walk away because that’s hard to face,” says David. Tina asks Shannon what she just heard. “That he stayed is harder because he could’ve just walked away,” Shannon says. Did David successfully elicit sympathy from the woman he cheated on? Shannon, I truly feel sorry for you.
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Heather Dubrow meets Shannon and Tamra for lunch. Tamra’s opened a joint bank account with Eddie, which upsets her: “How am I going to spend money that Eddie won’t know about anymore?!” Heather stays mum because she’s probably just spent several million dollars on a platinum bidet encrusted with diamonds and rubies. Talk turns to the Dubrow’s hawking their products on television and Tamra sarcastically quips she was excited to learn it cures cancer, due to the resveratrol. And with that, we’re back to talking about Brooks. I’m impressed because we nearly made it 14 minutes without hearing about B and the C-word.
Vicki and family take the babies to the zoo. “I’m from the Midwest and farm animals are great for kids,” Vicki says. Cite your source, Gunvalson. Vicki takes the kiddies on a train ride. “Is my big butt going to fit in this seat?” she asks before plopping down. Seconds later she’s announcing “I’m getting a circle jerk.” I assume she meant to say she’s dizzy, but, boy, is that the wrong expression to use. “Do you know what a circle jerk is?!” Briana asks. (I’m guessing she does now.) Thank you for including this exchange, Bravo.
Back to lunch and cancer talk: Tamra explains seeing the PET scan dictation notes to Heather who INSTANTLY gloms on to the fact that they picked Tamra. “Why you?” Heather asks Tamra, with quizzical eyes. “Wouldn’t they want Terry there?” No, Heather. Because Terry would see through the smoke and mirrors. Duh. Tamra says she’s supposed to talk to Briana about Brooks while Briana’s in town, but she’s unsure if she will. ShanShan has an emotional breakdown of sorts and — “Because I feel so close to you both” — reveals David’s affair. Tamra’s not surprised and Heather already knew. Both offer kind words and Shannon talks about how she chose to fight for her family and how proud she is. “Knowing that these girls didn’t gossip about these rumors” means the world to Shannon… Though they did, and we see a flashback where Tamra calls Shannon a sad soul and Heather agrees. Oops.
NEXT: Tamra goes to a DIFFERENT lunch! [pagebreak]
Tamra and Briana sit down for lunch. They bonded years ago over being suspicious of Brooks, but they have since let it go. “I never want to see him for the rest of my life. There’s nothing Brooks can do for me to forgive or forget what he’s done,” Briana tells us. Tamra brings up that everyone thinks Brooks is duping Vicki about the cancer. “When I first heard about Brooks’ cancer and his treatments, things didn’t add up to me,” Briana, the ER nurse, says. When they first met, Brooks said he had pancreatic cancer. “If you survive that, walking around cocktail parties like your shit don’t stink, I’m calling all my nursing professors because you belong in a textbook,” Briana says.
She grilled him about his treatment until “he broke down and told me he had pancreatitis, which is an inflammation of the pancreas caused by alcohol abuse,” Briana says. Tamra talks about the PET scan and Briana also believes that these types of scans would not be conducted in the facility that Brooks claims it was. “If he’s lying about this, I’ll kill him,” Briana says. “She’s going to find out. Or he’s just going to be ‘cured’ one day, right? I just hope she doesn’t lose everyone close to her because of Brooks.”
Tamra and Vicki head to some boutique to pick out white outfits for Tamra’s baptism. Tamra holds up and tries on three dresses, all of which Vicki owns, has worn, or “look better on me; that looks like crap on Tamra.” What a lovely friend you are, Vicki. Tamra says “you put me in an awkward position” with the medical records because all the girls have been questioning her. “This is sick,” snaps Vicki. “It’s Satanic. It’s Satan coming in to wreak havoc on our lives. I’m not sharing anything else with the girls because it’s getting twisted around,” Vicki says. Tamra shares that Briana’s not going to change her stance on Brooks though Vicki’s given up on that, too.
Everyone gets ready for Tamra’s baptism, clad in white like this is a Diddy Hamptons party from 2006. Shannon calls Tamra while giving herself a home colonic. “So that means you won’t be full of shit when you get here?” Tamra asks. Over at Shannon’s house we learn her DIY colonic has gone awry and there’s a three-inch piece of plastic “stuck in my rear end.” To fix this, she’s going to give herself an enema. Lemon Bowl’s doubling down. I like it. I hope this ends equally poorly because I can’t wait to see what she’ll try for round three.
She waddles into her bathroom, whimpering the whole way. David, her warm and everloving husband, drones, “See you downstairs or what?” Attaboy David. A few moments later, it’s revealed that David “looked up there” and couldn’t see anything. “I was supposed to be watching the Clippers,” he says. “I think I still have a little bit on my finger,” David says. To be clear, we’re all discussing David having Shannon’s feces on his digit. This is downright nauseating. David scrubs his finger, while Shannon tells the kids that “Daddy showed his love for me by looking in my fanny.” Turns out the plastic was never in there; it had fallen into the toilet.
On their way to the baptism, Vicki (sans Brooks, who didn’t want to face another inquisition) talks to her brother, friend, and some fashion designer about the whole situation. Her brother, friend, and some fashion designer all nod in agreement that this is ridiculous. “The truth is always the truth. Always,” Vicki says. Let’s get that on a T-shirt, tout suite. “This is all Satan’s work.” There’s another T-shirt. Sadly, we have to wait for the finale next week to see the baptism. And the final blow out between Vicki and the women, which looks delightfully intense.
Would you give yourself a home colonic? Since Vicki said ‘Satan’ three times during this episode, do you think she’s accidentally summoned him?