Shannon and David Beador go out for a date and we’re only 15 seconds into the episode before Shannon commands “vodka in a tall glass.” Next David and Shannon read the appetizer menu aloud, but Shannon can’t eat like she used to and most of this fried deliciousness is off limits. She says she worked out for “two hours today,” prompting a quick montage of her largely failed workout from earlier. Now they debate the fat content of various menu items with the waitress. Onto discussing who is on Shannon’s friendship list (Tamra and Heather) and who is not (Vicki). Riveting stuff, folks.
Tamra Judge welcomes Pastor Mike into her home to talk about baptism. “It’s like I’m coming out of the closet. I’ve hidden it, but now it’s like ‘I love Jesus!’” Of course Tamra would equate finding her spirituality to finding one’s sexual identity. Pastor Mike and his choker necklace tell Tamra that “the Holy Spirit is inside you, like a GPS for life.” Tamra thinks this is a great T-shirt, so she’s going to make one tomorrow. “The bible is not an easy read,” Tamra explains, “Because thou shalt not those you… what? No. They need a blonde version of the bible.” Or at least a series of commandment T-shirts so Tamra can get those down. (I assume she would prefer them to be bedazzled.)
Bricki enter into an office with an M.D. on the door! Whaaaa?? Lenka, the Russian Health Coach of Earthing, must be devastated by this betrayal. Oh, wait. Lenka is here. Annnnd she set this meeting up. Okay, fingers crossed that this is all legit and above (medical) board. Dr. Zemeno brings them into his office while Vicki tells us that “he specializes in both eastern and western medicine and rebuilding the immune system and detoxifying the body, which is what Brooks needs to focus on.” The doctor says Brooks’ records indicate a large mass in the upper abdomen and examines him by pushing on his stomach a few times.
The mass is not cancer, rather an inflammation caused by the cancer, Brooks tells us. Vicki thinks it’s sad for the women who were doubting. “Are all these doctors lying?” she asks us. Considering this is the first doctor we’ve seen, your pluralization of doctor is a stretch, lady. The doctor says there’s cancer, though he does hold up Brooks’ file and says, “Unless someone faked this,” which is a really weird thing to say, especially given the particulars of this case.
The doctor’s recommendations? “Get nutrition in there, because you’ve been missing it for a while” — AHEM, LENKA — “and reduce stress.” Also an IV to help oxygenate the body to start the healing process, which we then see. Because I am neither a doctor nor a meddling Real Housewife who calls doctors with hypothetical situations, I will not weigh in on this visit except to say were it my body with large masses in it, I would be doing a lot more beyond eating right and pumping oxygenated blood into my veins.
Heather and Terry Dubrow are in Minneapolis to hawk their skincare line on TV. Both are nervous, though Terry seems more freaked than Heather. The host comes in, asks if “you’re jazzed!?” and then wants to see if the couple “feels the pressure of a worldwide debut.” Can’t you tell from Terry’s forced grin that he would rather be cutting into someone to install breast implants than go live on TV? Rehearsal starts and Heather’s got it down. Terry’s a tongue-tied mess, though he admits it. He doesn’t even remember what’s in his own products, which is problematic. Heather’s worried, but Terry says the remedy for his jitters is vodka. Oh boy.
Tamra’s helping her penniless grouch of a child, Ryan, unpack in the house that she bought for him. Ryan’s first words to his new baby: “What’s your grandmother complaining about now?” It’s apparently going to be a close race between Ryan Vieth and Jim Edmonds for Jerkwad of the Season, ladies and gentlemen. Ryan walks into the living room, points at a well decorated area and declares it nice despite “not having one picture of me in there.”
NEXT: Heather explains a French word!