Shannon and David Beador go out for a date and we’re only 15 seconds into the episode before Shannon commands “vodka in a tall glass.” Next David and Shannon read the appetizer menu aloud, but Shannon can’t eat like she used to and most of this fried deliciousness is off limits. She says she worked out for “two hours today,” prompting a quick montage of her largely failed workout from earlier. Now they debate the fat content of various menu items with the waitress. Onto discussing who is on Shannon’s friendship list (Tamra and Heather) and who is not (Vicki). Riveting stuff, folks.
Tamra Judge welcomes Pastor Mike into her home to talk about baptism. “It’s like I’m coming out of the closet. I’ve hidden it, but now it’s like ‘I love Jesus!’” Of course Tamra would equate finding her spirituality to finding one’s sexual identity. Pastor Mike and his choker necklace tell Tamra that “the Holy Spirit is inside you, like a GPS for life.” Tamra thinks this is a great T-shirt, so she’s going to make one tomorrow. “The bible is not an easy read,” Tamra explains, “Because thou shalt not those you… what? No. They need a blonde version of the bible.” Or at least a series of commandment T-shirts so Tamra can get those down. (I assume she would prefer them to be bedazzled.)
Bricki enter into an office with an M.D. on the door! Whaaaa?? Lenka, the Russian Health Coach of Earthing, must be devastated by this betrayal. Oh, wait. Lenka is here. Annnnd she set this meeting up. Okay, fingers crossed that this is all legit and above (medical) board. Dr. Zemeno brings them into his office while Vicki tells us that “he specializes in both eastern and western medicine and rebuilding the immune system and detoxifying the body, which is what Brooks needs to focus on.” The doctor says Brooks’ records indicate a large mass in the upper abdomen and examines him by pushing on his stomach a few times.
The mass is not cancer, rather an inflammation caused by the cancer, Brooks tells us. Vicki thinks it’s sad for the women who were doubting. “Are all these doctors lying?” she asks us. Considering this is the first doctor we’ve seen, your pluralization of doctor is a stretch, lady. The doctor says there’s cancer, though he does hold up Brooks’ file and says, “Unless someone faked this,” which is a really weird thing to say, especially given the particulars of this case.
The doctor’s recommendations? “Get nutrition in there, because you’ve been missing it for a while” — AHEM, LENKA — “and reduce stress.” Also an IV to help oxygenate the body to start the healing process, which we then see. Because I am neither a doctor nor a meddling Real Housewife who calls doctors with hypothetical situations, I will not weigh in on this visit except to say were it my body with large masses in it, I would be doing a lot more beyond eating right and pumping oxygenated blood into my veins.
Heather and Terry Dubrow are in Minneapolis to hawk their skincare line on TV. Both are nervous, though Terry seems more freaked than Heather. The host comes in, asks if “you’re jazzed!?” and then wants to see if the couple “feels the pressure of a worldwide debut.” Can’t you tell from Terry’s forced grin that he would rather be cutting into someone to install breast implants than go live on TV? Rehearsal starts and Heather’s got it down. Terry’s a tongue-tied mess, though he admits it. He doesn’t even remember what’s in his own products, which is problematic. Heather’s worried, but Terry says the remedy for his jitters is vodka. Oh boy.
Tamra’s helping her penniless grouch of a child, Ryan, unpack in the house that she bought for him. Ryan’s first words to his new baby: “What’s your grandmother complaining about now?” It’s apparently going to be a close race between Ryan Vieth and Jim Edmonds for Jerkwad of the Season, ladies and gentlemen. Ryan walks into the living room, points at a well decorated area and declares it nice despite “not having one picture of me in there.”
NEXT: Heather explains a French word! [pagebreak]
Meghan King Edmonds, her headband and her stepdaughter Hayley are in her kitchen so we can learn Hayley doesn’t like lettuce: “I threw it up and now it scares me.” Mmmkay. Per Jim Edmonds’ instructions, Meggers is gonna back off the rules a bit. “It’s not about what I think should happen,” she tells us. “It’s about conforming myself to the child that has been produced by a mother and a father that doesn’t include me.” If you can figure out what dear Meghan means here, please let me know down in the comments. Meghan asks if Hayley’s given any more thought to “college or hair school or whatever,” but alas, this teenager has given nary a thought to her future. “Okay, well keep me posted on what you do,” Meghan says. Hayley slaps Meggers on the ass, announces Meghan’s underwear is visible and leaves. Really did a 180 on this whole parenting thing, didn’t we, Meghan?
Heather’s fixing Terry a drink to calm his nerves in their hotel room while they both stare at a nice plate of food. Parle Francais avec Heather makes a triumphant return as she informs Terry this is a “charcuterie tray,” adding, “charcuterie is a fancy word for meat and cheese.” Culinary fascists would stipulate that charcuterie actually only refers to the meats, pork products in particular, but let’s give Mademoiselle Dubrow a pass here. They cheers, Terry says “that sucked” for the umpteenth time, and Heather continues to coddle his bruised ego.
Tamra swings by Bricki’s because Bricki wants to show Brooks’ medical records! I’m floored! Vicki’s hoping to use Tamra as a backchannel means to stopping all this chatter. Brooks hands over a copy of the dictation notes from his last CT/PET scan — the same papers the doctor had earlier in the episode. Bricki asks if Tamra can now move forward and support them. Tamra’s response is so freaking grand: “Why don’t you just show everyone? I’d be like ‘Suck it, bitches!’” Bricki sighs collectively.
The reason they picked you, Tamra, is because they thought you’d be the least likely to understand or question that piece of paper (which only seems to confirm masses are present; masses that Brooks himself says are not the actual cancer). If shown to everyone, the other wives would be taking pictures and sending it off to a host of medical professionals for further analysis. Bricki again informs Tamra she needs to “stand with conviction.” But Tamra can’t because “I don’t really know what I read.” Bravo, Tamra.
Meggers has a viewing party for Heather and Terry’s TV thingy, so LFLS, Shannon and Tamra come over to watch. In the studio, there’s a ton of people around, heightening Terry’s anxiety. Heather “loves having an audience, but for Terry it’s kind of like operating in front of a theater!” Perhaps Heather is unaware of the term “operating theater.” The director comes over and demands perfection in a nice manner. Terry’s “extraordinarily nervous” but soon they’re live. Terry’s doing better than in rehearsal, though it’s clear his nerves haven’t fully quieted. Regardless, Heather’s proud. The women at Meghan’s shout their critiques at the screen as they plow through glasses of booze. One of the ingredients (resveratrol) in a Dubrow product causes the housewives to shriek because this is the same antioxidant that Brooks’ is using to cure cancer. LFLS tries to sum this all up: “Soooo… Heather and Terry’s product cures cancer.” Swing and a miss, gurl.
Now the housewives call into the show because they’re 12 and think this is funny. Tamra puts on a half-Southern, half-indiscernible accent, calls herself Cinnamon and screams that Terry is hot. Instantly, the Dubrows identify Tamra’s voice, shocking Tamra. Heather rushes them off the phone (“I need more time to sell my product!”), and it seems like this went well on the Dubrows’ end. But I want to hear those sales numbers since last week they said they’d know in 15 minutes if this was a success. There’s no hard metrics, but Heather says “We sold a s—load of product.” Let’s channel Meghan and demand Heather show us the sales records!
LFLS leaves and Shannon, Tamra, and Meggers get down to business: discussing Brooks’ and his cancer. Tamra mentions viewing the records, and Meggers mentions calling the medical facility on Brooks’ letterhead and asking if they do those kind of scans. Oh jeez. “They stopped doing those scans in 2008,” Meggers shares. Shannon speaks for me when she says, “I’m blown away” by Meghan’s actions. Still, let’s talk about what Meghan’s discovered. Now the women are doubting the legitimacy of Brooks’ medical records. Out comes the fact that Tamra was to be the
pawn group advocate, which Shannon finds ridiculous since she thinks it should’ve been her. “I’m hurt. So, yeah,” Shannon says. “Do you think he’s lying? Do you think he made this report up?” Tamra asks. “Yes. Yes, I do,” says Meghan. “I just want the truth and I want justice,” she says. Given that, Meggers, I can’t decide if you are more Nancy Drew or Walker Texas Ranger.
Tamra’s starting to catch on to how and why Bricki singled her out and the resulting implications (that she’s not the sharpest crayon in the box) aren’t sitting well. The other two housewives don’t help matters by saying, “I don’t know why they told you, Tamra.”
Do you think Brooks’ medical document was faked? More importantly, are you still invested in this story line? Most importantly, do you think Terry got a spray tan before his shopping network debut?