This week, we open at Shannon “Lemon Bowl” Beador’s weird astrological party where Tamra Judge is still on the warpath about Bricki. Tamra’s also still trying to find an audience to care about anything she’s saying. Womp, womp. Heather Dubrow thinks it’s time for a heart-to-heart with Vicki Gunvalson about her possibly-lying boyfriend. “I have always supported Brooks,” Heather begins before admitting she’s talked smack but not without good reason.
Back at Tamra’s gym, Heather revealed she was treated by Brooks’ doctor…for cellulite. She finds it fishy that a doctor who does cellulite treatments would also cure cancer, so she’s wondering if Brooks is being duped. (Nice of Heather to give Brooks the benefit of the doubt here.) Heather makes her position on the matter crystal clear: “Every piece of info that floats out is hinky. Who is lying?” Vicki tries to mount a defense, but fails miserably when she says Brooks is going to start chemo again. “No, what was said was this [cellulite] doctor cured his own cancer in six months and Brooks will do the same,” recalls Heather. Vicki protests; a flashback proves Heather correct. “If Brooks is ill, show his labs and say eff you to everyone.” Heather’s pragmatism is so on point and makes sense to everyone except Bricki. “I’m not showing anyone his medical records,” Vicki sniffs. Vicki, this whole cancer storyline is going to be your downfall.
Shannon makes a sad Shannon announcement as Eddie lights the Aries cake. Bricki wants to leave, probably because people are getting too close to the truth. “When is enough enough? You’re feeding a monster that is never going to get full,” Vicki tells us during a talking head. “So I show the medical records. Then they’ll want to see the needle going into Brooks’ arm.” Nah, I’m sure some legit medical records would be enough to appease everyone, though if you have footage of Brooks with a doctor, couldn’t hurt to show it, too. And I mean a real doctor; not some whackjob who advises you to only sit on chairs made of wheatgrass or eat tofu upside down, while humming the national anthem, for 72 hours straight or something.
Bricki leaves, prompting Heather to question why Vicki would leave if she has nothing to hide. Meghan King Edmonds sits all the ladies down and outs Vicki for lying about asking Shannon for medical help. “I’m a lot of things,” Lemon Bowl says, “but I am not a liar. I spent a day on the phone getting him two good doctors that he didn’t see.” Heather recaps her convo with Vicki. There are now nearly more flashbacks that current footage, given all the statements that are being referenced and then refuted. After Heather’s summary, talk shifts to not whether Brooks is lying — it’s assumed he is — but whether Vicki is a partner to these lies or she’s also being duped. ShanShan thinks she’s too smart and would have to be in on it, but Tamra and Heather are not sure.
Meghan and step-daughter Hayley go to a store called Havoc to get Hayley a prom dress. Meghan and her latest ugly headband tell us how important prom was for her, then we hear about how Meghan rented a school bus and cabins and made a spreadsheet to organize an afterparty. Meggers “thought my role was to be the uber stepmom and set rules and whatnot. But after seeing how that affected my relationship with Hayley, I’m not sure this is the right thing to do.” So your step-daughter froze you out when you tried to impart order and now you’re going to try and be besties. Got it. Hayley has a mother and she has friends, Meghan. You’re going to have to keep trying to find a suitable role in her life. This portion of the show ends with both looking at a Chanel dress and going, “Okaaaay” with the same intonation. Sounds about right.
Tamra goes over to see Vicki and apologizes. Vicki also apologizes, but not really. She just wants to take the heat off Brooks, who is somewhere upstairs watching football and hiding from Tamra. Vicki’s ulterior motive du jour is to hammer home that Tamra needs to backchannel the other housewives to get off brooks’ back already! “I mean, what does Brooks need to do? Die to prove everyone wrong?” Nah, just produce some medical records. Haven’t you been paying attention, Fun Bus? Vicki calls Meghan “a 30-year old,” which makes Vicki sound more old, petty and jealous than she already did. Vicki also uses the phrases “you’re not my friend if” and “cookoo birds” and continues to generally be a dumb human about all of this.
NEXT: Heather and Terry Dubrow quarrel! Over glasses of champers!! [pagebreak]
“If you’re my friend, you don’t talk about Brooks,” Vicki says. “That’s not what a friend is,” Tamra justifiably responds. “If you believe in our friendship, you should do everything you can to stop [other people from talking about Brooks],” Vicki tries again. Desperation is a stinky perfume, Vicki. Tamra makes another plea to see some definitive proof but is again denied. I’m all for benefit of the doubt, but this is getting ludicrous. Either produce a piece of paper saying that Brooks has cancer or stop filming this reality show intended to cover every facet of your lives, Bricki. Doing nothing but attacking your attackers is making this all worse. That’s the mark of a guilty person.
Shannon’s made chili for cheating husband, David. It’s Michigan style! David and his serial killer personality listen as Shannon complains about being upset that Vicki left her party early. David nods but just keeps eating. Tamra and Meghan – both clad in pink – meet for a workout. They start on a bike, though they’re barely pedaling so this doesn’t seem like much of a warmup. Of course the only topic on the table is Bricki. Tamra’s now on the “let it go” train, wanting to let fate sort it out. Meghan thinks Brooks will wait three months, say he was tested and the cancer is gone, all because of his holistic treatments. Can’t say that’s not a perfect out for the guy.
Heather and Terry Dubrow head to a ritzy dinner where a waiter in a white tux brings them methode champenoise. Tres chic. Heather wants a tree etched in a huge steel window in some wing of their new monstrosity of a home, and so she shows Terry some designs she made (in collaboration with her mother). “Do you like it?” she asks. “…Do I like it…,” Terry repeats, grimace plastered on his face. Terry does not like it. This etching was meant to represent the family and meant a lot to Heather. Terry just treats it like any other visually unappealing thing he sees during his day of fixing botched plastic surgeries, vetoes it and starts laughing. Although I’m not married, a pro tip for those men who are: When your wife shows you something personal, that she’s worked hard on, it’s best not to laugh in her face.
Understandably, Heather shuts down, drawing unjust indignation from Terry. “Since when does ‘give me your opinion’ mean I have to love it?” he asks, still unable to get the last trace of a smirk off his face. Terry, you don’t have to love it, but you don’t have to be an ass about this, either. Terry tells us he should’ve said he loved it and then changed it later on to get what he wanted. Yikes. This glimpse into the Dubrows marriage is unsettling at best. Terry thinks Heather’s upset that he didn’t like it. But what she’s upset about is that he is not acknowledging all her “hard work on the house.” Terry doesn’t address this by doing anything other than saying “Wow.” Even if your wife thinks that spending your money is dreadfully arduous, if she gets visibly upset at a fancy restaurant, perhaps you should be the bigger person and tell her thanks. It’s not that hard, doc.
Bricki and their “health coach,” Lenka from Russia, are standing on a small patch of grass in Bricki’s driveway. “What are we doing?” Brooks asks. “We de-stressing,” Lenka says. “Get oxygen into body. We stand on grass because we are earthing. Earthing means we are absorbing all needed electrons from earth.” What the actual f—, Lenka.
Tamra’s penniless son Ryan and his absurd pick-up truck pull up to the house that Tamra had to help them buy. Uh, Ryan, why didn’t you sell your monstrosity of a truck, buy a smaller car and use the remaining cash to offset what your mommy had to fork over for you and your family to have a home? Ryan, a Jim Edmonds in training, walks around pointing out all the miniscule things that he doesn’t like but that are perfectly fine. Like the flooring choice and the color of the beige paint in the kitchen. Ryan finally does thank Eddie and Tamra for the financial help, though it’s more in passing than a sincere sentiment. After more grousing, Ryan’s fiancee tells him what I’m thinking: “Shut up.” “Bye, grumpy,” Tamra echoes, hugging him goodbye.
Heather meets Lisa Rinna for a lunch to pick her brain about how to dominate on TV shopping networks with BS product lines. “It’s all about not caring,” Lisa Rinna advises. Unsurprising. Shannon’s meeting Vicki for lunch “because I’m her friend and the cancer talk isn’t stopping.” Vicki thinks everyone is out of line. “I can’t stop what stupid people say,” Vicki says before she stops, not wanting to deal with any more of this: “Call Brooks. I’m done. Let’s talk about me. Let’s talk about you. Let’s talk about my health and what I’m going through.” How delightfully selfish, childish and very Vicki! Shannon also thinks Vicki should also show Brooks’ medical records, drawing crocodile tears from Vicki. “I don’t even want to eat,” Vicki says. “I just want to go to my therapist and tell her about this now.” I wonder if her therapist is also Lenka?
Team Vicki: does that fact that Heather, Tamra and Shannon are all now seriously questioning Bricki affect your support? Why is Ryan such a grouch? Do you remember to keep your palms and feet flat when you are “earthing”?